Lundy Bancroft Quotes

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#1 Nov 15 - 10PM
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Lundy Bancroft Quotes

from the author of WHY DOES HE DO THAT? (a great book!)

Abused women aren’t “codependent.” It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.

"If I were asked to select one salient characteristic of my abusive clients, an aspect of their nature that stands out above all the others, I would choose this one: They feel profoundly justified."

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children - he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.

"The Power of those wonderful early months. Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins, so she keeps it to herself for a long time."

"Occasionally an abused woman may decide to push her partner off herself at this point, as scary as that is, because the fear of waiting to see what he will do and when he will do it is worse."

"Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized.

He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple 'abuse each other' and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful'."

"Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she's being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused. Your partner’s abusive incidents may follow no pattern, so you can never guess what will happen next…Random abuse can be particularly deleterious psychologically to you and to your children."

"If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.”

"Life with an abuser can be a dizzying wave of exciting good times and painful periods of verbal, physical, or sexual assault. The longer the relationships lasts, the short and farther apart the positive periods tent to become."