Low Self Esteem

12 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 21 - 12PM

Nicole

Low Self Esteem

Hi Everyone,

I think I sunk to new lows I didn't think were possible. I don't know how to stop feeling so bad about myself. I go to therapy, I read, I journal... I do it all. I find out at work today that my ex made a 10 million dollars last year. And I sit trying to figure out my budget for this month and everything that I have to cut out, which includes basic things. I just work for a nonprofit. I don't make a lot of money and I know it shouldn't be important. I don't judge anyone else on what they have - only him. As if somehow his success and wealth equate to him being a good person. And my situation makes me a failure. That of course just makes me think further about how of course he left me a dozen times over 5 years, and finally for good. Because he can find someone better. I hate that I feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. Unlike most of you, I don't hear from him ever. When he was finally done in December, he was done. Moved on to younger, better, more successful...more everything. He doesn't have to worry about getting married, having kids - he can do it whenever - women fall at his feet. I may never have any of those things because I wasted so much time on him and continue to do so because I can't see clearly. I don't know what to do anymore to pull myself out of this funk and see clearly.

I hope you're all doing well. I'm losing ground and quickly.

#2 Aug 21 - 8PM

Nicole

For everyone

Thank you all, again. I wish I knew all of you in person. I know you are all right, and I would be able to tell you all the same things you tell me. I just need to start believing that I'm worth something. You're right - if you took the money away, he'd be nothing, but yet I just wanted him - for the whole mess that that was. If he lost everything, I would have been there for him. I see it that he can have anything - buy anything, and anyone for that matter, yet I struggle and I know it should be irrelevant. I didn't get anything from him, except of course moving money when it was time for me to leave his place because he was done with me. I just worry that it's too late for me to have what I want and I don't want it to be too late. While I feel lonely now, I don't feel, nor do I even want, to run out and find someone. I think that's healthy and I'm grateful to feel that way, but everyone tells me I need to "hurry up"....I'm 35...if I'm ever going to be married and have kids, I need to "hurry up". That's when I really struggle with the fact that he wasted so many of my good years - my best years. Then people say I need to forgive him in order to get to a better place and excuse me, but I just think that's crap. Forgive him? I don't feel forgiveness for him. I have no forgiveness for him. To me, forgiving him means kicking myself and discounting everything he did to me. And how do you forgive when that person doesn't even show remorse! "They" say that the hatred and anger will do me more damage, but honestly - I feel those things, and I think with good reason. Isn't that actually healthy?

#3 Aug 22 - 4AM (Reply to #11)

Scoop

I understand where you are

I understand where you are at , 2 of my friends had their first baby at 42 and 44 , that gives you plenty of time , women are having babys in their 40s . It might not be conventional with your mom or your friends and sticking to the social norm of things but 100 years ago women didnt even get the vote , its up to us to change convention .If i am ever a mother i will be an "older mother " but i will still be FAB ! Peru x

#4 Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

forgiveness? LOL!

Forgiveness? LOL.... I don't believe in it. Your 'friends' are stone cold WRONG. Anger shows you have some self worth about what someone did to you. You are too valuable NOT to have anger. Anger & rage are my main motivators. Used properly, they can help propel you forward! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/04/those-who-tell-you-just-get-over-it-or-forgive-forget

#5 Aug 21 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Fawn

Not too Late

It is not too late for you Nicole, but I certainly know how you feel. The feeling that you gave your heart and soul to a relationship that was just pretend and your love to a hologram instead of a person is pretty devastating. I was with the N for over half of my life, and I am only 42! He has just walked away from our marriage and our 3 amazing children, with not much guilt it seems. He wonders why everyone thinks he is such a jerk! I know that you deserve better, and once you go through the pain and grief and get to a healthy place, someone wonderful will come along and discover how wonderful you are.

#6 Aug 21 - 8PM (Reply to #7)

dolce (not verified)

Nicole

That whole thing about forgiveness is what kept me with the N. And they count on that, I think. They choose someone with a good heart and high moral standards. First, he has to understand what he's done. Then make amends along with the apology. I'm sorry isn't enough. These are empty words. Because Ns have no compassion, these amends will never happen. Forgiveness? Forgive YOURSELF..then move on. I can't tell you the hours and hours I tried to get my ex to understand how what he did made me feel. He can never know. His condition won't let him. How frustrating. So, don't worry about direct forgiveness..and anger when used properly is good. Let it propel you forward with determination to make your life the best!

#7 Aug 21 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

it's about YOU now

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/12/forgiving-one-who-deserves-forgiveness.html

#8 Aug 21 - 7PM

Beachcolors

Money

It doesn't matter if he had 10 thousand or 10 million....he is still scum and still has to live with his miserable unhappy self. No amount of money will change him or make him happy. It matters not! Your thoughts can no longer be about this man. Do not compare yourself to him, that is a game you can't win. Instead focus on how now you have all of the time and energy in the world to invest into yourself. Be proud of what you do, no matter what it is. Who's to say what value your career has outside of money. Think about why you took the job and if's it close to your heart that's more than most can say. If you took it just because it's a job then go after the new career you really want. You situation is only temporary unless YOU fail to take ACTION. Remember this....money can go as fast as it came but a good heart, solid character, passion for your life and a pure soul last forever. I bet if you made a list of qualities you are far richer than he will ever be. Don't inquire about him anymore. Don't listen to anything regarding him. It's only going to hurt you and prolong your healing. Create a "you" focused mantra and everytime you catch yourself thinking of his so called great life chant that mantra until thoughts of him go away.

#9 Aug 21 - 6PM

dolce (not verified)

Keep moving forward

I was there too. Some days, I still am to be honest. But those days are getting fewer. Think (or write down) all the crappy things he did to you. Then count your blessings. Anger has it's place. I didnt grow until I let myself have anger. Instead of taking it out on myself, I put it where it belongs. On him. He was the bad guy. I'll be damned if he will do even more damage to me now that he's gone. All of that, I have some say about. Treat yourself like the princess you are. Hang out with your girlies and lean on them. You will be in my prayers.

#10 Aug 21 - 1PM

agilitysb (not verified)

Low self esteem.....

He is definately shallow.....if he lost it all tomorrow, I bet that you would be the first woman he thinks of because you loved him for who he was and not the money. Of course if that were to ever happen you would already be over him and living a happy, healthy life. It takes time to get your self esteem back...I go through highs and lows too. Surround your self with good,positive people.

#11 Aug 21 - 1PM

Scoop

% years is along time , to

% years is along time , to go through the trauma of a break up over a dozen times doesnt bear thinking about . Money means shit , its discusting that someone can earn 10 million dollars when there are children in this world that have to go with out food , clean drinking water and schooling because their familys have to live on 50 cents a day. His 10 million proberly came off the labour of that poor family or one like it .You on the other hand work non profit and you should hold your head up bloody high . He left you for someone you think is better than you , this isnt true .Look in the mirror , thats you you see, wonderful you , look at your things around you they are your wonderful things . I bet 10 million dollars you are beautiful , ( i know this as stupid rich men only go out with pretty women ) . Time is your friend ,you and i are at the same age , and what a great age it is and what a great time to be living .I have started to tell myself im great , it felt strange at first but i wrote it down and i say it to myself ,it helps . Your rich pillock N , not so great . Peru x

#12 Aug 21 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Barbara (not verified)

stay in the NOW

I have been there. Keep doing what you are doing and stay focused in the NOW... the TODAY... one foot in front of the other and things will get better slowly over time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off their narcissistic rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. Martha Beck

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