Loss of N (Addiction to Hope) = Loss of Hope

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#1 Jun 30 - 7PM

tresor2

Loss of N (Addiction to Hope) = Loss of Hope

I'm still struggling with the meaning of not having the N in my life anymore. I haven't seen him for a year but, last contact was over a month ago when he announced he's living with someone else. Last year, I ignored his calls and that prompted more D & D. We played the push/pull game for years. I layed into him after his announcement and haven't heard from him since. No surprise, as they are cowards.

Most of the time, the N was an abusive, sadistic deceitful ahole but, of course, there were good times and he possesses some good qualities. The good memories is what kept me in a state of hope and the CD turned me into a zombie...non-stop rumination. My hopes were that one day, he would be there for me, treat me with respect, stop lying, spend more time with me, and dump his other women. The epitomy of twisted thinking, I know.

Hope kept me stuck at home, kept me in total denial and living in a complete fantasy world. Hope got me to learn everything about pathology so I could understand the behavior in order to better deal with it. All the while, the jerk was living it up doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. Not a thought about me until he decided a crumb was in order.

My conclusion is that I was addicted to the hope that my fantasy about the desired outcome of the relationship would come true. Sex also played a large part in my attachment. Same principle as any other addiction. The slots pay off just enough to keep us coming back.

Now there is no hope; it's just plain over. I realize that what i'm feeling today is not much different from what I felt about myself early on in life; lonely, defective and isolated. These negative thoughts are not constant; they come and go. There's a part of me that still thinks that a good relationship is the answer to happiness even though deep down, I know better.

I need to get off of this hope thing and live in the present. Hope is good but can also keep one stuck, as it did me. Bottom line, my issues are about me and not him. The N simply exposed old wounds through his abuse and neglect and forced me to look at myself from a deeper level. He afforded me an opportunity to work through old wounds so that I may never again become sucked into a web of N deceipt and lies.

#2 Jul 1 - 9AM

TNR1

I'm in year 3 and unable to

I'm in year 3 and unable to let go. He's been in and out of my life since the D&D happened over a year ago. I take responsibility for allowing him back and keeping in contact between those times. I am not mad at myself, just working with my therapist towards a day when I can truly break free and find someone who will truly love me and not simply throw me a crumb or two when he thinks he is losing one of his sources of supply. What we have discovered is that this truly isn't about Mr. N at all...it's about a wound from childhood that I am still trying to fill. Mr. N is just a temporary fix (or what feels like one). There is a little girl in me who thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread and is desperate to hold on to him no matter what the cost. The more adult aspects of me know that he will never change and that he will never fix the wound. Fortunately, as I gain more and more awareness..I am able to be more in the adult place...but it is taking a lot of time and I am still deeply addicted. So I take it day by day.

#3 Jul 1 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

tresor2

TNR1

My struggles exactly, only for a longer period of time. I couldn't let go and didn't want to believe the truth about N. Too me, he was the most beautiful man I'd ever met and he was too good to be true (danger). I could not connect the positive outside image to the deceiptful, manipulative, sadistic, liar that he was on the inside. He was like a shiny red apple with a worm inside. He had everyone fooled and was extremely successful. I too know that the problem is all about me, not him. He's just a jerk who poured salt in my wounds. Subconsciously, I've been attempting to resolve my childhood issues by recreating a similar situation with the N. I've set myself up for invalidation, abuse and neglect and he made sure I maintained my core beliefs of insignificance and not being good enough. By staying in it, I recreated all the familiar feelings. I've known all along that he wasn't right but, for the longest I couldn't give up and let go. It's all insanity.

#4 Jul 1 - 8AM

dolphingirl

Straight into loss

Thank you for your honesty and insight. I also feel the same way. I know that for me, every narc in my life, was an attempt to heal and understand my father and his illness. Not having a narc in my life the feelings of being inadequate and lonely surface hard, very hard. That wounded girl in me still wants to try more and be better to get the love that was always denied to me. I know now there was no real love to give, my father was a true blue ass...f...g narc. He was sexually and emotionally abusive, he would leave for days and weeks, before he finally left for good and disowned me. Dealing with this is my real challange. The answer lies in self-love and lots of it, at least for me, and every day I try to remember this. much love and healing

#5 Jul 1 - 7AM

Littleone

I feel EXACTLY the same way,

I feel EXACTLY the same way, i don't even need to add anything- you described it perfectly!

#6 Jul 1 - 6AM

Sparrow

Tresor, I am so sorry that

Tresor, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is all very painful, we all know that and are here for you. You commented that you thought maybe a good relationship is the answer to happiness. I believe that you are half correct........my thoughts are a relationship is good due to happiness. Same words, different placement of the words.....does that make sense to you? My point is, you have to be happy with yourself first. Being with a man does not define you. You define yourself. I agree also that it is all fantasy. It is for them, and it becomes that for us. You seem to be on the right track, with the knowledge, the acceptance will come as well. Good luck with your healing. Remember, we are here for you! Smiles

#7 Jun 30 - 10PM

empath

Abandon all hope in the N., hope for yourself instead!

I like saying that...because I need to remind myself of it too> Pema Chodron came up with that thought. Once you abandon all hope, you stop the cognitive dissonance and obsessive rumination. You accept the reality of the situation and deal with it, without the blinders on. :) The N filled a void in our lives, and that void remains when the N is no longer there to distract us from it. That void exists with of without the N in our lives, until we decide to do something about it. Don't attach your feelings of emptiness to the N. Don't seek comfort from the source of your pain. You will get through this. Stay NC. (((hugs)))

#8 Jun 30 - 9PM

Jelickuk

Hope

I so agree. Hope can be really destructive. I still cling on to hope like clinging on to a rubber ring in a tsunami. The other killer for me is "maybe"......... maybe he'll realise... Maybe it's because..... Maybe he loves me really Maybe I'm the fucked up one, not him... Maybe it's all in my head... Maybe ....maybe.... Jelic

#9 Jun 30 - 8PM

gettinbetter

yes tresor exactly

Yes it is the addiction to hope. The hope that miraculously he may come to his senses and the fantasy he created will be true. I have a similiar story to yours. I had been in a relationship w him for 5 years off and on in my twenties. I have been pregnant by him. He now came back 15 years later thru facebook and told me that he loved me that he always had and always will and that he wanted us to have another chance for a life together eventhough I am already married. I too went thru months of silent treatment and after the last silent treatment he broke it with I'm getting married to a nice lady named xxxxx in the fall. Good luck and take care of your family and signed his name. I have known this mansince age 17 and we are now 44. I have been pregnant with his child. He knew my family well and this is how u break a 4 month silent treatment. That's how you tell someone whom you claim you will love for the rest of your life that your getting married???? I tend not to believe him as he still has a pic of him and the ex girlfriend on classmates. Can't imagine there are too many fiances that don't google their future husband. Nevermind that he told me he was coming to see me first week of november and by march he was engaged whatever. I hope it is true for if it isn't that would prove how freakin sadistic he is that he purposely told me that to inflict the maximum amont of pain. sick sick mofo. I am rambling but the point is we become addicted to trying to get our happily ever after. The hope that we can get it if only we try a little harder. But it just isn't possible. I have equated it to a rubics qube but there is no solution

#10 Jul 1 - 3AM (Reply to #8)

dudette

I have been pregnant by him

Yes this resonates with me today The N baby would have been due in the last couple of days. I feel sad about that. He always said that if we had a baby together, it would be the most beautiful child in the world, scambled eggs I know... Don't regret my decision, things would be so much worse.... However, I am sometimes haunted by the baby that never was...

#11 Jun 30 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

tresor2

Boundaries

Thanks for your post. These guys have no boundaries. The fact he doesn't respect your marriage is obvious. In his mind, he expects you to get a divorce. Mine re-attached to his high school friend of 45 yrs ago. She divorced her husband of 30/40 yrs. to be with him...the ultimate ego boost for a N. Maybe it will work out, who knows. Love to N's means control and compliance, not love. It feels really good not trying at all, finally. My trying is geared towards getting my life back together. What a mess!!

#12 Jul 1 - 11PM (Reply to #7)

gettinbetter

No he did not. From the time

No he did not. From the time we were younger he felt as if I were his property. This time was no different however it disguised it with some feigned concern for my child and husband mind you he said "I see you pictures and think to myself thats my family" Or how bout this one "I loved you first" or this one "I know its wrong but Im selfish" You are exactly right. He expected me to get a divorce without having to ask me to or provide any commitment on his part. Thats what the horrific D and D was all about. "You didnt make yourself available to me and now Im pissed and Im gonna hurt you" I know thats exactly what he thinks. The behavior of a toddler. "Mommy you didnt and anticpate and provide for my wants and needs. Now I must make you pay Mommy"

#13 Jul 1 - 7AM (Reply to #6)

janine

Hope dies last

What you said in the above post about your N's friend getting a divorce because of N rang a bell. I'd always figured mine wanted me to get a divorce, because I'd have been such a convenient partner for him to live with and his family liked me. But you are right, it's not just that but an ego boost. Thanks for pointing this out. Where hope is concerned while that's fine otherwise it does not work with a N. The only hope I ever had with mine had been that we could simply keep this as an additional relationship to my life and his, not as a base. I do not make any man the centre of my life. The other thing was that I was fighting with myself to accept his extreme promiscuity and other parts of NPD, because we had so many good things together. Same as for you sex played a large part, addiction being the key word. Having felt defective before sounds familiar. In the long run I decided to fight my own demons, hope for myself rather than what I had with him and left. It is tough but when you focus your energy back on yourself, it does get better.

#14 Jun 30 - 8PM

michele115 (not verified)

It may have been a year...

But not sure how far along you are to understanding narcs... The loss of a narc isn't loss of hope because it's based on illusion. In some way, we got caught up. We have to work on ourselves and find our own light, our own path and our own way again. For a time it feels empty, dark, lonely and sometimes we get fearful...but it gets better, keep reading, sharing and processing and you will be amazed the power that educating yourself and purging will have on your whole view... It's a journey but one worth taking. When they're gone we have this gaping hole because we were trapped in the web and lived in a way FOR them, serving their needs, catering to their ego, putting them first...they trained us to do that without us realizing it and we lost ourselves. BUT we were whole and capable of depth of emotion, they're not so when they leave they don't really take from us, we still have what we have but we have to dig to find it again, and usually it's improved... Hugs!

#15 Jul 2 - 9PM (Reply to #3)

fearofuncertainty

so true

i can't agree more michelle, we are so used to evolve around them that we eventually lost ourselves. it's still difficult to dig out my own soul and I question the reason to live without knowing the future still, it's a dreadful feeling that's why I name myself fear-of-uncertainty. every step forward seems heavy! with big hug...

#16 Jun 30 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

tresor2

Understanding

Hi. I was with the N for over 8 yrs., on/off. I realized there was something wrong the first year and began learning about pathology...got my MA in psychology. But, school really didn't help much with understanding. It was when I starting reading self-help books on narcs/psychos, visiting N sites and attending retreats when healing began. The problem for me was that despite all the knowledge, I was stubborn and addicted and did the push/pull thing for 7 years. My ego stood in the way of rationality. It wasn't until a few years into it that I admitted and realized that I was creating my own suffering and that I had issues to resolve. I understand I fell for an illusion but the hope for the illusion to change was a real fantasy for me. That's what kept me in it. Hope that a sadistic malignant jerk would become a nice, kind loving human being. LOL. And you are so right. Life now is about digging and finding myself for the first time.

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