long time no speak....

Hey everyone,

it's been quite a while since I've been active on the website. Its been an interesting time. After being gaslighted and disgarded by my exN and then bullied at work by what I can only describe as more N's I decided to make the bold move to take some time out from work.

I returned to my office after a period of working away from, had changed my phone number, started getting strong to only be bullied on my return. I was blamed for my deterioration of the quality of my work (a fact I never denied but stated was without a doubt due to the suffering I was put through) and told that I had not performed well enough and if I did not sign a number of performance indicators I would be punished. I was threatened with this, despite crying my eyes out on a daily basis and asking for help and support. I decided enough was enough and sought the support of my doctor. This was not a decision I took lightly but felt backed into a corner. I have a very close family member who is seriously ill and has been for some time which has been added emotional stress.

Anyway, one of my last posts on the site was that it had been a number of weeks with no contact. As it would transpire, that didn't last long. My exN began to contact me at home. I didn't realise for some time until he happened to catch me indoors one day. I then began to investigate looking at caller Id and realised he had been calling a lot. We spoke on one occasion about 8 weeks ago, very late at night. The phone rang and because my relative is very ill my instinct was to answer it in case anything had happened. The caller witheld their number! It was him, drunk and rambling. I told him he had been warned not to contact me and he continued that he was getting in to trouble at work ( we work at the same place although not in the same building) and that we could resolve these issues amicably. I felt weak, broken down and began to listen. I could hear a voice screaming in my head that I shouldn't and that I should just put the phone down but I couldn't. He kept saying he'd never loved anybody like me and that he'd typed out a huge email but could not send it. Anyway, as luck would have it, his phone cut out. However for the following few weeks and up until 2 and a half weeks ago, he called every few days, always late at night and a lot! I didn't answer, I told work, they did nothing. I was told to make a criminal allegation or nothing would be done, despite systems in place to deal with this kind of behaviour.

I just didn't feel I could do it. I just wanted it to stop. I got a representative from a support organisation involved who then asked me out!!!!!! Unbelievable! I really felt like I had no where to turn.

The upshot is, the calls have stopped. I haven't had one for nearly 3 weeks now but all of a sudden I feel like I'm back at square one. I was doing so well, felt my confidence was back and I was moving on.......

well I guess the crazy thing I need to say is...... I almost miss the phone calls. Does this sound ridiculous?! I had become reliant on his calls, it actually made me feel good that he would call and I would watch the phone ringing and not answer. Does anybody else understand that feeling?

It has now made me feel sad. All I want is to just feel free from all of it. I know its not been that long and in reality its only been 4 months since I've finally been free of him. A guy has shown some interest in me and was very full on and I had to be honest and say that I wasn't ready for that and it wouldn't be fair to have a relationship for me to freak out. That makes me feel so angry that I've been so affected by my ex. That he has affected my life in so many ways.

It's the anger that gets to me the most. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life.

I saw an old school friend today and she was married with 2 kids and telling me about other girls I was at school with who are settling down. Its made me feel bad about myself. I thought I was going to be getting married this year, planning a family! I have no real outlet for the anger!!!!! Where can it go?! I want to hurt him so badly and I can't because I know that doesn't achieve my goals!

I am starting a new career in 5 weeks time, leaving my current job with all its existing narcs and my ex and that's a great feeling to know I won't have to see any of them again but my god I'm feeling strange!

I'm sorry to write such a long post, its been a long time and I just feel I have a lot to get of my chest.

Can anyone else relate?

x