Long Term With an N

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#1 Jan 27 - 12PM

GettingOut

Long Term With an N

Just wondering how many here have been in long term relationships with Ns, how long you've been away from them or if you're still with them and, basically, how you're doing.

Why am I asking? I've been with mine for 30 years and some times, like today, I feel like I will never heal. Like I will spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells, waiting for the rug to be ripped out from under me, uncomfortable making my own decisions, fearful of the next round of verbal vomit in my direction, etc.

I'm divorcing him but get the feeling some times that I will never be rid of him.

I don't know, just wondering if those in long term crap with an N have gone on to thrive and become at least semi-whole again.

#2 Jan 27 - 10PM

inrecoverynow

escaping after 25 years

I have been married to a NPD for 25 years, and tomorrow morning, 9 a.m., 1/28/10, we have what is hopefully our final court hearing. I filed in early April. It's been HELL going through the divorce, because he continues to try to emotionally blackmail and manipulate me, especially by telling me repeatedly that I'm literally killing him. He claims to have had the flu for a month and now pneumonia. Of course, it's MY fault because I'm "destroying him and I've taken everything from him." I have dreams about him at night sometimes, still dwell on everything a lot, but I'm in therapy trying to recover from the control he's had over me for so many years. Look up the co-dependent triangle. You'll probably see the two of you. He emotionally blackmailed me into staying for about 20 years too long. I learned about lying and porn addiction about two years into the marriage. Then I had two children with him. Yeah, they have issues, too. It's been lonely and sad living on my own, and I've been strongly tempted to go back, but then I ask myself, WHAT FOR? He lived in a fantasy world on the Internet and his little world didn't really include me. I was the one who took care of everything so he could pursue his many selfish interests. I not not young, either, turned 56 this month. I feel old and used up right now, but I hope someday to feel good about myself again. I wish you well and can commiserate. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. If he were a reasonable person, it didn't have to be as bad, since our kids are grown. But he has decided I'm the one at fault and I had no good reason to leave him. After all, didn't he do "everything for ME?" I think he really believes that, too. :( He does believe his own lies. I guess they all do. Hikejunkie, I do feel your pain, and I hope you get through this and find yourself again.

#3 Jan 28 - 5AM (Reply to #13)

GettingOut

inrecoverynow

I truly feel for you and am so happy to hear that you are getting out. I know the hell you are talking about with the divorce. The one thing that's really floored me is that even though we settled, he came back with such BS in his documents that my attorney would not take the time to respond and, instead, drew up our own settlement agreement based on what we agreed on in court ordered mediation. What floored me was that his attorney actually sent in something like that and I can't figure out why counsel would allow it. No judge anywhere would agree to what he wants. Never. So, is it the attorney? Him? Both? I don't know. And the funny part is he had sent me an email asking if I had approved his agreement. I replied "the offer is rejected and you will hear from my attorney in the near future." He came home that night, came into my room which I promptly told him to remove himself from, and which he promptly ignored, and he said "well, if you don't want to settle, don't #^%!! settle." Ha!! Typical N. Blames me when it is him who did not adhere to what was verbally agreed upon. Anyway, so I know the hell and I know how they blame you for everything. I told mine for months I was going to end the marriage, he'd curse at me, fling a hand at me, roll his eyes. When I told him one morning I had filed, he said "why?" and then told whomever that he didn't understand why I was divorcing him but that I had a boyfriend (which I didn't). Ah, sick stuff this is. I'm glad you're getting out.

#4 Jan 28 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

itreallyisabouthim

hikejunkie

"...I told mine for months I was going to end the marriage, he'd curse at me, fling a hand at me, roll his eyes. When I told him one morning I had filed, he said "why?" and then told whomever that he didn't understand why I was divorcing him but that I had a boyfriend (which I didn't)." YES!!! Isn't this just a kick? I just have to say this is one of the oddest things I've ever experienced. I flat out told my STBX that it's not a matter of if but when (that I would leave) because I was unhappy and there was no respect between us at all, let alone love. I also specifically went into the reasons I felt it was hopeless. He said "OK..." I told him this sort of thing several times over the course of about six months. When I actually left he had NO idea (a) that I was planning on leaving or (b) why. He insisted everything was hunky dory in our relationship and chalked it up to a new romance for me. Yeah...me with the two children under five, and the business to run... yeah. That's it. The breaks from reality are mind boggling to witness.

#5 Jan 28 - 8AM (Reply to #15)

GettingOut

well, really, it isn't all

well, really, it isn't all that odd if you look at all the other times the N pulled this kind of thing. It's the thing where you tell them this or that and they conveniently forget or try to tell you that you never said what you said. It's also that sick sense of reality they have where they could not possibly do anything wrong and are oh so marvelous and hot that who would want to divorce them? It just could not happen on planet N. I continuously work to apply logic to his illogical behavior and it's like banging my head against the wall. I will never get it, so why do I keep trying? Dunno.

#6 Jan 27 - 4PM

GettingOut

Thanks Everyone

Hi - thanks - just needed a little boost today. Had counseling newly scheduled for son and, I knew it would happen, but the N already got into his head how therapy doesn't really work and then he had the balls to tell son that he "worries about your mother because she's made some bad decisions with this kind of thing before." *sigh* Right. "Before" was when my older son was seeing a therapist who called the N on his abusive behavior and he, of course, didn't like it. Same counselor helped me file for divorce, which was 12 years ago. The N didn't like that either. So, of course, with his current BS, he doesn't want to get found out again. I hate him and this is why I feel like I'll never get away from his crap. He was leaving for a trip with his GF and found a few minutes to undermine much needed therapy for his son. He consistently finds ways to hurt me and his kids.

#7 Jan 28 - 8AM (Reply to #11)

itreallyisabouthim

hikejunkie

I feel ya here too: he "worries about your mother because she's made some bad decisions with this kind of thing before." Just wanted to say - ouch. This is the same sort of comment I deal with from STBX and I, too, feel so sad like it will be this way forever.

#8 Jan 27 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

therapy

therapy is INSTRUMENTAL with children have you told your son "Your dad says that because a therapist helped me get away from the way your dad was treating me." ?? exNH hates therapists too - they always see RIGHT THROUGH HIM. Except the dingbat Marriage Counselor HE hired. Who I reported to the APA! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#9 Jan 28 - 4AM (Reply to #10)

GettingOut

Barbara

Well, what I've done pretty much since the beginning of the divorce thing is kept my mouth shut. I didn't say nasty things about the jerk to the kids, etc. while he was busy bashing me, telling them all about his new victim and lying like crazy to anyone who would listen. I kept quiet until two months ago when he was raging. Had I not intervened he would have hit my older son. I won't get into the words he called me, his tantrum, etc. because I'm sure you can imagine. It was during that incident, when both my sons were present, that I said "enough". I still keep my mouth shut in that I don't initiate saying anything about him. However, if it comes up, I tell the truth. Simple truth. Period. So, long story short, when son told me what the N had said I was livid. And I told the truth. I told him that the reason the N said what he did was because he was physically abusing me and his brother and when the counselor called him on it, he exploded because he didn't want anyone to know what he was doing. He then told me his older brother had already told him about this. I will thank my older son today for his support of his brother. I followed up with telling him that there is a good chance his father will, once he shows up, ask him about the therapy and will ask inappropriate questions or try to tell him why he shouldn't go. I told him that the N does not have the right to pry into what is said in any of his sessions and his stock answer to anything the jerk is fishing for can be "I don't want to talk about it". I told him to repeat it as often as necessary and that it's ok to do. You see, the N is quite intimidating and manipulative and younger son (he's 16) doesn't understand he has boundaries. This whole thing sucks because I don't want son to be a ping pong ball between what I feel is right and what the worthless excuse for a human being tries to destroy. But I pick my battles and this is one I won't lose.

#10 Jan 27 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

hikejunkie

25 years married to exNH 30 years relationship trust me - you get over it - but it takes a LOT of time ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#11 Jan 27 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

rache

OMG!

I feel so much empathy for you girls(sad).I have knew mine in June will be three years.Married last September 5th,2008.Was called wife#3's name(who he had NO kids with,married to her only 18 months/divorced from her 10 years)for the honeymoon period,met the housekeeper a week later who had her name and age etc(he denied it being her-i know/knew better!).came up north to see kids 1 1/2 month later and he was on dating sites again-i divorced him Dec,2008.After 3 months of marriage! Did/do i love him yes! Even though i know he would harm me for financial gain.Would i go back to him,NO! too dangerous.....I just wish i didnt give a sh.t

#12 Jan 27 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

itreallyisabouthim

Man that's a long time.

Man that's a long time. Maybe what you are sensing is that he will still be with you in your thoughts and reactions for a while. Good for you for getting out.

#13 Jan 27 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

neveragain

1st 2nd & 3rd

1st N: 12 years 2nd N: 6 years 3rd N: 3 years Hmmmm....looks like I'm getting better at getting out sooner. My 3rd and final N taught me the most. His D&D was excruciating and led me to research this disorder. Now I know so much more. I've been in therapy, read books, blogs and posts here. I've been NC for 15 months and am just now starting to feel somewhat normal again. Stay strong, and know that it's not you, it's HIM. neveragain

#14 Jan 27 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

rache

three things i have learned

When someone uses these three little words a lot its a strong indicator.1.I 2.me 3.mine there is no us,we,ours

#15 Jan 27 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

fairy wings

Interesting use of words

This is an interesting comment because my ex never used 'i' because he didn't own anything he said and he never talked about his feelings unless he was angry, so it was always 'you' as in accusing me or telling me. He used 'we' when he wanted me to buy something for him, but he would always dress it up as for us, e.g. 'if we got a new touring bike (motorbike) we could go on holiday. Next week his mates asked him to go on holiday with them! I am fed up thinking about the ways he manipulated me and like you rache I now listen very carefully.

#16 Jan 27 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

MsVulcan500

Mine was the opposite.

My XN always said "I my mine". We'd be at a restaurant and the waitress would say, "Enjoy your meal." And he would reply. "I will." I called him on that often. And he told me he just didn't think. I think that means he didn't think about me. One time we were at the mall about 20 miles from his house and his son called, and he told him we would be home in a little bit. When he got off the phone I said "You said 'We'!" And he said, "Yes, we are headed home." And I told him that he never says "we", it's always "I". And he said, "Yes I do. I always say "we."

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