The List.......

About a week ago, Jamie53 challenged me to write a list of my good qualities. I started that list but I could only write one quality down.

As I been reading about depression, I had a ahh moment. There have been some recent postings about how brain patterns are formed from trauma. With reading books, the net and my therapy session, I am understanding why I allowed it. My ex-narc and his treatment of me just fitted perfectly to how I interpeted love. Of course, it would lead me to a depress state, but I have learned how to cope with it. (so I thought)

What I am learning is when I am in the depress state that is not the real me. When I would curl up in my bed feeling unlovable, alone, like a failure, a fool and all those other lies we tell ourselves. I thought that was the real me. When I would meet people they would tell me wonderful things about myself, but I would always think what it they really knew how I really was.

Depression twists all that around. My real self is outgoing, confident, loving, kind, open-minded, smart, creative and other things. When I would accomplish something wonderful, I would always feel that it happen because I was lucky or just blessed. I never took any credit for the qualities that were given to by God My false self is the one curled up in the bed. My brain is not firing right inside. I got it, my brain is NOT FUNCTIONING RIGHT. Trauma affects the brain nerves, no doubt about that, plenty of research out there. It is a illness. (I had plenty of trauma in my life, so much that even when I begin to tell my life story, I think this is crazy)

So when the ex-narc experience came sliding in my life. The pretence for addiction was already there, my brain has formed around traumatic experiences since I was four. So now I found myself in bed, playing some of the same tapes I have for years. I'm unlovable, I'm alone and I just don't know how to really live. The false me, the real me knew it was wrong, and that I deserved better.

So now I know when depression hits, that is not the real me. My brain not firing right, so I will take care of it the best that I can. There is so much interesting research on the brain is currently in the media.

I have stated I am on the search for my authentic self, I am making some small breakthroughs.

hugs
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