lilybart's story

I met him two and a half years ago. I knew he was somewhat crazy and wild, but I hadn't had a serious relationship since my divorce and thought I would just hang out and have fun with him for awhile, but somehow I got really sucked in. He is an alcoholic and informed me early on that he would not drive to my house to see me because of drinking and driving and that when we went out, I would drive him around. I quit brining him around my friends because either he would drink too much and pass out, or try to be funny and insult me and make jabs at me.

So we mostly did our own thing. He wanted to be with me all the time when he wasn't at work or visiting his kids and we were very compatible most of the time, and I felt a huge connection with him like no other I had had before despite his faults. He could be a very mean drunk and the smallest thing would set him off and we would fight and he would throw me out of his house, not speak to me for a few days to punish me and then come back around and act like nothing had happened. I thought his bad behavior was due to his financial troubles. Although he was a lawyer, he got commission and wasn't doing very well. He was filing for bankruptcy and had four kids, one with a disability, and an ex-wife to support.

After too many fights and him punishing me with his silence and distance too often, I finally just got tired and broke up with him. It was hard because he wanted to be friends, which meant we basically carried on as we had before, seeing each other just about all the time, having sex, etc. We just didn't call it a relationship. But I finally got to a point where I had to be free and ended it.

For six months I sat at the pool, talked to friends, journaled and pondered my relationship with him. It had been so odd. I thought it was his alcoholism. I thought maybe he had asbergers since he has a son who is autistic. I felt good to be free of him and missed the connection we had all at the same time. So...I emailed him.

I knew he had a girlfriend because of course he immediately got on a dating site when we broke up and found someone. At first he and I just chatted, then met for lunch. When he showed up for that lunch, he said, "I hate to be the loser ex-boyfriend but I didn't have time to go the bank." I paid. I listened to how he was still broke, still in bankruptcy, still losing his house. I remember leaving that lunch so glad he was someone else's problem and not mine. Yet, still we kept emailing, saw each other again...and again...and things developed. But I felt I could enjoy his company and not really get serious since he had a girlfriend. But then we had sex and that is so not like me, and I felt I couldn't go on, but he had a fight with her and he showed up on my doorstep saying he was free. It turned out the fight was over money she had loaned him and not paid back. It explained where he had gotten the money to take me out the past month.

We were together and I thought he was done with her and we kept seeing each other. Things didn't add up though because they were still Facebook friends and his status still said he was in a relationship and she still had things at his house. Then he lost his job. He was fired. That night I had an event to go to and when I was done I found his car at her house. I was very upset and he called me and said he had had a weak moment and had gone to tell her about losing his job and then had fallen asleep at her house. A few days later I checked on him again after I had been out and her car was at his house. When I confronted him the next day, he said he just wanted to be friends with me. I was relieved and we exchanged emails about how much we loved each other but couldn't get it right. The other woman found those emails and moved her stuff out of his house and ended things. So...he and I got back together.

Things were better this go round. I brought him around my friends figuring he needed to sink or swim. He treaded water. He would sit and talk to some people, but sometimes he would slink off and go be by himself. I thought he was shy. He said he felt the need when he walked in a room to be the center of attention and to control things, but he knew he couldn't and he worked on it. His drinking had it's ups and downs, plus I learned how to manage it. I could see when he was checked out, not there anymore and about ready to pass out and I'd get him home and put him to bed, bailing on parties, ends of football games, everything.

He was also better about not completely shutting me out when he was "punishing" me. Rather than completely not speaking to me or seeing me, he would continue to text me or email me and make obligatory good-night phone calls. He also brought me more into his kid's lives. It was difficult getting to know his kids because he doesn't ever have them. They are with his ex-wife all the time and he goes to their house every morning before school and every evening to visit them. A handful of times he has kept his favorite son overnight, but he balks at having to watch them. When his ex took a well-deserved four day trip to the beach and wanted him to watch his own kids, he told me he was annoyed she would ask because he had to "work" and that her mother should do it, but her mother is lazy like she is. I have somewhat gotten to know them because I go to all of their sporting events and I usually go over to their house for a few hours one day each weekend and hang out with them and talk a lot to his ex-wife who has been so warm and accepting of me, and who I really like a lot. Although it has been difficult because I see how hard she works at raising all the kids and how little help my boyfriend is and I feel bad for her and embarrased. I have also been over there a few times after we were out watching a football game or with friends drinking and I felt he was too drunk to be with his kids and he has passed out and I have been angry and embarrased, but of course don't tell him because he will just get mad.

About six months ago, I discovered my boyfriend had been seeing his ex-girlfriend, the one he was seeing when we got back together, THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE BACK TOGETHER, which was six months. I found emails. I sent a friend by her house and she saw them together. I finally emailed the ex-girlfirend and she told me they had been together all along. I broke up with him, and he just got hot and heavy with her and was with her all the time. I was heartbroken. I was so hurt by the betrayal and how easily he had just moved on to being with her. But I emailed him after two weeks and asked if we could be friends and from there we started talking and seeing each other again and he said he wanted to be with me, not her. So he dumped her. I have seen emails they exchanged during the time he was seeing her where she said derogatory things about me and he let her. She would beg him to leave me and be with her, and tell him how much she loved him and couldn't be without him and how sexy and handsome he is. Later he told me that she knew how to push his buttons and had fed his narcissistic tendancies. And once when we had a conversation about her and I said he had never said he was sorry, he got very angry with me and basically told me he hadn't done anything wrong. To him he had been in a relationship with two women.

And so we went on. I had always had trust issues with him and had trouble with it all. He told me he realized that his life had gotten into a bad state and the he wanted to change and live a better life and he could only do that and hope I could trust him again. And from all I can tell, and truly, I should have been a detective because I am checking and certain he is seeing no one but me.

But it odd that I had taken him back because I knew he would be losing his house soon and I didn't want him to come live with me and I was partly relieved when I busted him seeing her and dumped him. But I just couldn't let him go. I couldn't let her win, even though I knew, and still know, I didn't win anything by getting him back. I lost.

I have spent so much money I don't have. When he has money he is generous and takes us out. But he stays at my house mostly and I buy all the groceries. He never thanks me but is sure to tell me when I buy something he doesn't like. I pay when we go out and he has no money and have paid for hotel rooms when we go out of town, thinking he will pay for everything else, but he wants to spend all his money on booze so when I want to go eat he will keep telling me he isn't hungry.

I told him months ago that I didn't want him to come live with me, that I felt uncomfortable about it. He was mad but tried to get into some apartments. They wouldn't have him and no one will. He is bankrupt with no job. He told me a couple of months ago he didn't know where he was going to go and had thought of pitching a tent. His parents and a brother live in town but I know he would die living with them, so I said he could come stay with me and he began moving things in. I was so unhappy about it. I knew I couldn't be with this man forever, but I couldn't dump him when he had no place to go and I didn't feel I could let him go.

Since then we fight all the time. There was a night he verbally attacked me and told me I am the most selfish person he knows. When I asked what he based that on, he just kept saying that he couldn't talk to me, that I won't ever admit I have any faults and that I never apologize for anything and he is always willing to admit when he is wrong. What?! The only thing he could come up with that night was that I go to bed too early and he is bored. He has no job. He can stay up all night and he wants me to stay up as late as he wants to and entertain him. But if he drinks too much and passes out at 7:30 and I'm sitting there awake, that's okay.

Because of the fights we have spent more time apart than together lately. He still has his house (but will probably lose it next month) so there have been weeks, he comes to my house to "work" and eat during the day when I'm not here, and at night he sleeps at his house, and we just don't see each other. Last weekend we had a huge fight and I told him things very calmly that I needed to say, like I can't afford to support him, that I don't want him to come live with me, that I think he has a drinking problem and he can't find a job because he has a bad reputation. He kept telling me I do too much with my friends and I don't want to do things with him. So we walked away and went to our respective homes. I thought it was over, but the next morning he came crawling into my bed at 6:15, holding me and stroking my hair and kissing me. I was shocked. He wanted to act like nothing had happened. But I had breakfast and Christmas shopping plans with a friend and had to go and I knew he was angry that I was leaving to go be with a friend but he acted like he wasn't.

Since then we talk on the phone and email and act like things are normal, but we haven't seen each other. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I went out with my friends Thursday night and lied to him and told him I was at the gym so he wouldn't get mad. He texted me, and I didn't answer, and he texted me back that I was ignoring him Then when I was on my way home he called but I didn't answer because I knew he would be able to tell I had been drinking. So I just texted him later and said I had fallen asleep. The next day he moved his office out of my house. He moved it back to his house until he can move into a friend's law office where he plans to use an office.

He didn't really say why he was moving his office. I think he was posturing, mad at me for being distant lately and waiting for me to tell him I wanted him to stay. I didn't. I wondered if it was over but I came home and he just took his office stuff and left the few personal items he has here, like some clothes, some games, some kitchen items. And he has continued to email me and call me like things are normal.

It was last week that I started googling Narcissism and found this website. My boyfriend told me when we first started dating that he had been diagnosed as an N. I didn't know much about it and asked what he did about it, and he said he tries to be aware of N things he does and control them. I didn't realize the seriousness of what it really is and how it fits him to a T.

He has longish curly hair that is now frizzy and grayish but he spends a lot of time fixing it. He often says things like, "She wanted me to go out with me, but how could she think I'd go out with her. Look at me." His only hobbies are fixing his hair, working out, tanning, reading and drinking. He has a huge sense of entitlement and is willing to let me pay for everything, expects his parents to give him money (he is 46 by the way) and lets his friends pay for things. He expects me to spend every free moment with him. My house is a mess and there are so many things I have not attended to. The smallest insult will make him completely shut down in anger. He is incapbable of talking about his anger or anything that bothers him, so he sits drunkenly, eyes glazed over, and won't look at you or acknowledge you. He calls it the "three mile stare." He idolizes tragic figures like Jim Morrison, Hemingway, J.P. Donleavy, and other bad boys like Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac. He identifies with the tragic brilliant misunderstood men. He thinks he is like a rock star and lives a rock and roll life. He has said many times that he lives life "full throttle" and most people can't handle that. He also says he is like a roller coaster; Women want to ride him for awhile but then they want off. I once told him in our first break up that the only thing he does full throttle is drink. And it's true.

So...I am sorry this is so long. I know I need to end this. I know I will be better off in the long run. I am afraid of missing the sweet moments we have, the companionship, the person I feel really gets me. I often say that I know I will never love anyone like I love him, but I also say that's because I know this is a very unhealthy kind of love. And I am not sure how to let it go. I am especially afraid because I have let him go before and then missed him so much I went back. I have caught him lying and cheating on me and broken up with him and then gone back. So I am terrified I will make this break and not be able to sustain it. But at this point I am having trouble making the break at all. I have no desire to see him. I have a party to go to tonight and I don't want to bring him and have to take care of him and sit with him when he is sitting alone or take him home when he is too drunk. So things have to come to a head, possibly today. I am just scared. And I know he will give me a hard time because he is at such a low point in his life, but he has been ever since I met him. When I broke up with him the first time he was living with no running water in his house because his hot water heater had rusted out and there was no way to turn the water off to just the hot water heater so he had to turn the water off to the entire house. He couldn't afford to fix it. So he lived with no water and when I broke up with him, I felt bad and called a mutual friend who called another friend who sent someone over to put in a new hot water heater and never charged anything. So, now he is losing his house and I want to break up with him.

I guess, I am just looking for someone who understands and maybe some words of encouragement. Will I ever be able to get past this man?