Letter to M

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#1 Dec 23 - 1AM
bgirl's picture

Letter to M

Do u remember the moment when everything changed for me? I was minding my own business in my car watching the kids train when you hopped in my car. It was freezing outside. Do u remember that? I remember I couldn't meet your eyes. You were so intense I felt uncomfortable. Then you held my hand...it was like a bolt of electricity and I can remember having to tell myself to breathe. I was scared but we didn't let go of each other did we? From that moment I knew I never would want to let go of you. I told you how I felt. That was my biggest mistake. My raw honesty. Taking the risk with you. Knowing at that moment that my old life was no longer going to exist.
You knew how much I battled with hurting my family. You knew I couldn't deceive my husband. You knew it would kill me. You knew I would tell him and you knew he would support me even though it was a shock and the pain must have been immense.....that's something I will never forget. How you got off on the fact that you duped us both. I wonder whether you were laughing at us when u were alone? When u were in the box seat in both your worlds....I often wonder now what you were like at home with your family and how you managed to maintain the charade and carry on as 'normal??' I often think about what you would've been saying, doing, how you would've been feeling?
You told me nothing meant anything anymore if I wasn't with you.
I prepared my family for this. You asked me to try and see if I could make this work for us.....I tried so hard for us. I told my children I loved you more than their dad. The devastation on my daughters face was something I will never forget. It took me months to work through things with my family with as much compassion and tact I could muster but always, ALWAYS in the back of my mind was YOU. I thought you were worth all the pain. You said you cared for my children. You cried for them. You were so loving to me...you told me we could ge through anything together.
Then BAM out of the blue....you say.
I can't do this I have to go home. I miss my house, my kids. In that order too. You told me you couldn't risk the damage to your reputation? I was damage then was I? I was something to be ashamed of was I? Well why were you with me in the first place?
I couldn't jump through the last hoop could I? I didn't leave my children and make you my only priority did I? Even when I was prepared to come 3rd in a sense...behind your two beautiful children. I was happy for them to be your priority...they should always be....but to be 4th, 5th or even last behind your reputation, your football and cold pieces of bricks and mortar. There was no way I could do that....and well you punished me then didn't you?
You had me by a string, like a puppet. You used me. You abused me. You used my body for you own pleasure. You used my intellect to help you achieve your goals. You used my emotion to feed off to make you feel alive.
I wanted to die. Do u know I looked at my children and felt nothing. Then I despised myself for feeling nothing. What sort of disgraceful excuse for a mother feels nothing?
I even looked up how to end my life so that it would be as fool proof as possible. I didn't want to do half a job and be a burden on my family forever. You do realize if I hadn't been a person who had received a good education I would not be here today. I knew I was in trouble. I went for help. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to get well. There is nothing you could've done to me to hurt me any worse. I would have preferred you to take all my money. What you took was my soul. I don't even know who I am anymore. You were a drug for me. There was so much I wanted to share with you. So many things I wanted to do for you so you felt special. I respected you. I valued your opinion. There were things I wanted you to teach me. There were things I wanted to teach you. Together I thought we'd be complete.
You told me 'just move on will ya.'
I will never forget the tone of your voice. You also said you didn't have 'time for this shit.' funny isn't it that there was nothing I did for you that was too much trouble for me, all while I was working, running a house and driving over 1500km per week to take my children to their elite sporting commitments.
M....you were my world. I was your nothing.
I don't hate you.
I don't understand you though.
Why did you set out to ruin someone else's family? You already had one.
You don't trade them in on performance or ability or looks or status M. You love them for who they are.
I still love you even though I now know what you are. That tells me I need to have a good long look at me and figure out why. I pray that answering these questions may unlock the chain that has my heart still imprisoned to you.
I want you to be happy. I want you to have peace. Most of all though I don't want you to keep hurting people. I know what your kids live with M. That was me.
We were a collision waiting to happen. The resultant trauma has been devastating.
You walked away. I have to learn to walk again.
I hope we never meet again....that scares the he'll out of me...
Goodbye and all the best xx B

Dec 25 - 7PM
fraidythecat's picture

Keep working on you

It's good you have sought help to sort through your own emotions. I have found it very helpful in understanding, as best as I can anyway, why it seems I find N's over and over - to one degree or another. This last one being the worst case and sending me nearly over the edge. And I had been working on myself - getting more confidence and an "I don't care" attitude. But whamo - when they get ya, they get ya good. But, I'm recognizing now why and how. I'm hoping it will make me better able to see traits before I get involved. I'm also hoping I'll be able to clarify the difference between a confident and strong man, and an N. I hope you can find the same in your search. I'm so sorry so many people became casualties. I hope you can all find some level of understanding and peace - and get back to life. Better than it was. :) fc
Dec 26 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
bgirl's picture

Your advice and kind words

Your advice and kind words are os helpful...thank u and best wishes to you xx