let it go.
let it go.
I can't say I'm really mad at you for what happened this past weekend, I blame myself for playing into everything when I knew what the enevitable outcome would be. You got me thinking we were going to spend time together, i was very careful to follow your rules, to give you space, to let you call the shots, and then last minute just twisted it around and responded to me with "idk" when I asked if you were going to see me or not. After that, you ignored me. You are all about head games, all about building me up to let me down. Its just what you are. i cant be angry or upset at someone for acting like what they are. its being like being angry for a kid getting dirty outside, or getting mad at a baby for crying when its hungry. you are a hungry baby and your twists and turns and head games are your milk. you need them to survive. There are a few things I understand - I understand I have done things to let you down in the past, I understand that most people wouldn't even talk to me anymore had it been them, I understand that what I have done has given you an enormous amount of bait, supply, and you think that it was going to keep me hooked, because I will spend the rest of my time trying to make it up to you.
In fact, the opposite is true. I held such a dark burden in my soul for 7 years, a secret with literally effected every part of my life, mentally, physically, emotionally. My life revolved around trying to keep you happy and it diminished my identity. I didn't feel like I was even living. Just going through the motions, not appreciating anything, every day just trying to make it through, another day of trying to keep you happy, dealing with your verbal attacks, periods of being ignored, following your rules for my life, doing what you demanded and threatened to leave if I didn't do... Because I was terrified of being without you, terrified of you getting out there and learning the truth, and you did... And although the amount of sorrow I felt for what I did is unreal, a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, bc my worst fear had come true, and I survived it.
For the first time in my life, I feel completely free. I have done so much research on narc abuse, and I know this for sure - this experience with you has been a gift. I do not think of myself as a victim anymore. I do not cry in my bed asking myself what's wrong with me, why couldn't you just treat me like a normal human being, why do I feel like I'm literally dying inside, like I'm empty, like I'm not good enough, like I really am crazy, and a slut, and delusional, and mental, and insane, and all the things you repeatedly accused me of being. For 7 years I was trapped, thinking something was wrong with me, and trying to do anything to get your acceptance, nobody's opinion mattered more than yours. And you always made sure to tell me about how shitty I was. How I had an immature sense of humor. How things I liked were dumb and ugly. How I was stupid. How I only got into the career I did because I wanted to feel better about how much of a shitty person I was. How nobody in life would ever love me. I was the lowest of the low.
Last year, at this time, you randomly blocked my phone number and wouldn't speak to me for 4 MONTHS, with no reason or explaination why. I have never felt so hopeless, lifeless, or depressed in my entire life. I used to pray at night that I would just feel better, and at that point I wasn't even into religion or spirituality at all. I was so torn and confused inside, as I knew that this was actually a good thing, that you were gone, and I knew how horrible you made me feel... But it was like an addiction, an obsession... You were all I thought about, I cried daily, was barely able to get out of bed, stopped eating, started anti-depressants just to survive. I researched the shit out of emotional abuse, the side effects of it, and thought to myself that something must be really wrong with me for me to feel so connected and obsessed with you, even after you treated me like that.
That July I fell onto a site dedicated to narc abuse, and it was like I was reading my life word for word. I started doing the suggested program on the site, and it completely changed my life for the better. I am now in touch with my spirituality, which I never was, and even mocked, before. It was so relieving to know I wasn't crazy, there are other people who are going through the exact same thing as me, and my strong feeling and connection to you aren't because I was crazy, it's because I am literally addicted to you. Addicted to the abuse. Although I have not been strong enough to maintain NC, the difference I feel is tremendous. I don't get as upset as I did. I don't blame myself anymore. I don't think it's all my fault. I forgive myself for my past. And i know that I will heal and empower myself from this, I am strong and determined to do so.
If I can get through today, it will make 5 days NC, which is nothing, but a big deal to me. I usually can't get to 2. I even had an urge this morning to write you a goodbye letter, and instead decided to write it on here, as i know all it would bring contacting you is more pain in either you verbally bashing me or ignoring me all together, and i do not want to take any steps backwards. I am determined to get my life back together. I am determined to empower myself, I am determined to not survive, but thrive. This has been a gift and will bring me back to myself. The gift of my narc experience with you has hurt me so much that it forced me to find solutions. And I have. So thank you.
Although I do feel sorry for you, because you're just the kind of person that is the way you are, and I know you will never be able to feel genuine love and happiness in your life, I feel like you were sent to me from god to help me with myself, help me look at the bigger issue, help me realize why I have been targeted, and what from my past has made me a match for a narc, and help me heal those parts of myself and thrive.
I do not want to spend any time bashing you, as I want to put all my energy and concentration on me from now on, not you, not what is wrong with you, not how terrible of a man you are... But on me... How I can use this to heal. How I can grow from this. How I can finally get to the light at the end of a long, pitch black, 7 year tunnel.
This is up to me now. You have no control of myself unless I allow it. And I am not going to allow it anymore.