Lesson learned: Do not talk to mutual friends about exNarc.

I talked with a good friend for a while on the phone tonight . . . I actually met her through exN, and we became good friends fast.

We were discussing how toxic my relationship with exN was, and she totally agrees that it was indeed very damaging. But here's what she said that tripped me up:

"I'm not saying that he'll be toxic with ALL women . . . but yes, with you, the two of you together were toxic."

Ouch. That set me back, seriously, in my healing. Because I took that, internalized it, and went right back to what my exN used to tell me alllll the time: I was the one with the issues. Not him.

I don't think she was specifically saying that, but that's how I took it . . . that with some other woman, he would be a great catch. But somehow I brought something to the relationship that caused it to be toxic and abusive.

My heart is the heaviest it's been in quite a while tonight because I am feeling all kinds of blame now. :( That is the absolute hardest piece of all of this to get get straight in my head. That I wasn't at fault in this. I HAD to have been somewhat to blame, right? He brought out the worst in me and I could be so mean sometimes.

I hate that I feel set back and am dealing with the guilt now of who I am and what I must have contributed. :(