Learning from this experience

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#1 Jan 3 - 8PM

stives23

Learning from this experience

I read in one of my books about narcissism that the N usually only goes after compassionate people. As I read this, I found it interesting because I think one of my weaknesses is that I am too compassionate.

So my question is, has anyone learned anything about themselves after leaving a relationship with an N? I feel that as painful as this whole ordeal was, and how low my N made me feel, I am walking away from it stronger, with more knowledge about this disorder and myself. I have learned that the first time a man disrespects me, or talks down to me, he is gone. I gave my N far too many chances. I have also learned I need to work on my self esteem that my N took away from me, and I also learned that I need to appreciate good hearted people who ARE capable of empathy.

My father is a narcissist, which is probably why I was drawn to mine in the first place. My mother spent 27 years with him. Now she is 3 years out, and happy then she ever has been. From my experience with my N, and through the knowledge of this website, I have so much more respect for my mother after all the years of hell she went through.

I am also thankful to this website, because I was strong enough to not fall for my N's fake apologies on Christmas Day, and I took control out of his hands by changing my phone number. I owe all of that strength to the knowledge I have gained from this site.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday, and look forward to telling her of my progress.

So does anyone else have anything that they have learned from their N about themselves? While I still hurt, I know that this experience will make me a stronger person.

#2 Jan 4 - 5AM

Monica

Duplicate post

#3 Jan 4 - 5AM

Monica

Trust no one

1. Trust no one. 2. Everybody lies (courtesy of Dr. House). 3. Never give more than what you get back. 4. Never pander to anyone - not lover, spouse, friend, coworker, family member - just so that they have it better and easier and can look/seem superior. 5. Challenge anything my gut tells me is a lie. 6. Do only as much as you absolutely have to and nothing more unless you are certain it will be appreciated. 7. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. 8. Actions speak louder than words. 9. If someone won't be there for you in your hour of need, they are no longer worth your time and trouble. 10. Someone who tells you "I promise" or "trust me" won't keep their promises and can't be trusted.

#4 Jan 3 - 10PM

destiny (not verified)

I've learned not to give

I've learned not to give trust until it is earned. Never to let one person be your bestfriend. Before N I relied on myself..and then he became my center and the person I relied on for support etc. I'm trying to get that part of me back and boy am I being tested lately..Dec was the month to be tested and thru all the tests even a trip to the ER for me..I never broke NC. I learned how to be the investigator...how to spot a cheater..all the signs to watch for.. most of all I learned to trust my gut it was right all along even though Narc tried to make me go against it. I found out I was correct about it all. Take things slow when and if I date in the future. I learned i am stronger than i thought and he walked away because he knew I know the truth. I almost beat him at his own game...in someways I became him. I learned that even when you think you cant go on that you find away to go on. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#5 Jan 3 - 10PM

Carolyn

narcissists choose women who

narcissists choose women who are compassionate, loyal, patient, empathetic, and sympathetic. They test these qualities usually be telling you some story where they are the victim. If you empathize and sympathize then they know that you are 'available' for their abusive behavior. You don't need to worry about being too compassionate you just have to watch who you are compassionate about. Your mother led a tough life and she is in a good place just to be free of all of that controlling behavior and the attitude of manipulation that they turn on and off. In some books it says that the children of narcissists are conditioned to accept the behavior so they are more tolerant of it. My father was a narcissist also and I have amazing patience with crazies but it is wearing. I have worked for a few of them and that is a trip. Both of the men I worked for were elected officials, drunk on the job, driving vehicles drunk, and none of it bothered them at all. Both were thrown out of office. these are tough folks and a no win. You had a bad experience but it is great that you and your mother are out of the narc wars and have a lot of war stories. Veterans of a crazy experience. You should both be proud you survived it.

#6 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

helpmefromn (not verified)

My father is too, and my

My father is too, and my mother borderline. I adored my father and he me, but my mother was a evil witch, and the two of them were some explosive team. I have left that behind in therapy and 'left home'. But all the narcissistic relationships stem from that --'trying to squeeze blood from a stone', and plus, I had no voice as a kid -- was pretty and that was it, and I too was a narcissist in my early 20's and recovered from it. Karma came and got me so I hope it will to my abusers too

#7 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

helpmefromn

There is no way you were a Narc and recovered. Destructive Narcissism is incurable. ACONS (Adult Children of Narcs) often, early on, take on the traits of their abusers in an effort to understand & deal with the covert abuse. This usually fades as the person ages and the brain matures... which is probably what happened to you. We have a lot of ACONS on this board. This might be of interest: http://www.voicelessness.com/narcissism.html

#8 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

helpmefromn (not verified)

Yea, I guess that is just

Yea, I guess that is just something my therapist and I say and joke. I was a 'player' and a bit narcissistic and overly vain, and definitely a ACON

#9 Jan 3 - 9PM

cynthia (not verified)

what I have learned

I learned what it was about my disposition that attracted me to a predator. That loving and trusting is not a weakness but an honorable trait only meant for those that truly deserve it from me, and I will trust NOBODY until they have proven the same to me. And as Barbara stated so nicely, I will not believe bad things others (especially abusers) say about me. I know my faults God knows we all have them, but I will NEVER allow anyone to abuse me because of them. I will never give into the ideas and convictions of another human if I feel it is wrong, I will simply decline and move on to the path I feel is healthy for me to live with. To do so results in losing who you are and what you have always stood for. I cant say this experience made me a stronger person, for it has taken all the strength I have to accept I fell victim to a psychopath. The experience made me aware of the good human qualities I had that I never saw, my predator saw them or he wouldnt have selected me for his victim. Falling victim to such a person is really a compliment to the good qualities we have. I am no longer afraid of living the life I want for myself, I am no longer afraid of being alone

#10 Jan 3 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

what I learned

I see extra compassion as a strength stives23 what have I learned? - I learned that everything that is good about me will be used against me... so to use EXTRA caution and not trust easily. To make people EARN my trust... slowly. - I learned to continue to educate myself about pathology - and to pay it forward - I learned I am a good person. I am not the person my mother, friends, teachers, bosses, boyfriends and husbands said/ say I am... because they sick, jealous, non-human freaks and I see them now for what they were/are. - I learned to speak up, tell the truth and not be afraid. Not to participate in covering up their actions. - I learned to stand up to threats, even threats of lawsuits and intimidation attempts. Nothing will silence me. Nothing. - I learned to give my unconditional love to my children and to teach them how valuable they are and to GUARD against pathologicals themselves - I learned to manage my PTSD and to be kind to myself first. - I learned not to fall for stupid 'affirmations' or the quick way to healing or schemes (i.e. "the Secret", etc.) Healing is a slow painful and necessary process. - I learned NEVER to worry what ANYONE... yes ANYONE, thinks of me and to do what is best for me and my children above all else... ... and I'm just getting warmed up... ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

#11 Jan 3 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

helpmefromn (not verified)

I have one fear -- that I

I have one fear -- that I wont love and trust again and remain isolated... anyone else?

#12 Jan 4 - 3AM (Reply to #3)

grossot

learning experience - helpmefromn

I have been thinking all night about what my learning experience has been. helpmefromn- I no longer fear that will not trust and love again. I used to. But after 13 months of freedom - I have started to consider my options. You see, when I first met N, I felt I had to get married; pressures from him and I talked myself into thinking that's what every girl ever did. It wasn't a question as to whether or not I would spend the rest of my life with him. Now, after d&d and so much learning and research, I see that if I never find someone to love and trust again, I will be just fine. I am not like N - I do not have to have someone there to supply me at all times. I am an adult and can handle things without someone by my side. I used to wish I would find someone else, but now, one of my options is to spend the rest of my life by myself. Doesn't mean I can't socialize and have friends - heck - I'm doing that now more than ever. But it means I have choices - I feel free in this new found idea. Helpmefromn, you can be free. I've even noticed some of my married girlfriends seem to act a little jealous about me being single! What have I learned? I've learned that strangers can be more empathetic and understanding than my closest of friends. I've learned God's given me a second chance and has answered prayers when I was in desperate need. I've learned there are others suffering this terrible heartache. I've learned my daughter is a gift to be cherished. I've realized just how much love I've been able to express to her without the narc controlling where my attention goes. I've learned what boundaries are. Patience. I've learned that low dose anti-depressants can assist in salvaging my life and sanity. I've learned I was abused. I've learned N's target the most precious of gems.......... Thanks to everyone here for teaching me!! http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#13 Jan 4 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

helpmefromn (not verified)

Thank you very much. I have

Thank you very much. I have often thought that too -- I am not like him - I do not need someone around all the time. I do want a child and that is my only issue, but otherwise I do want to be alone or with a real person, and I do feel free but scared, and I am so heavy in my heart even though I know I did the right thing

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