THE LATEST LETTER

I am sorry to keep having to post these letters. I don't understand how anything could make me pause but the magical thinking comes back sometimes, the idea that maybe he could change blah blah blah blah. Each letter he ups the ante and sounds more sincere and apologizes for even more. Is this normal? I must stay strong. I can't even imagine life withhim in it again with me and family and just being on hypervigilant rollercoaster.

Here is letter:

"I have lots more to say but I would rather talk in person about all of this. I really think that with therapy the issues we both have, trust, anger, dealing with adversity in a productive way, overcoming the parts that feel irreparable….that we could make this work. I am more than capable of expressing how I feel which was a big issue, and continue with therapy. The trust issues that you have are going to affect any relationship without overcoming them. I would like you to try to overcome them with me. I’m not asking to move back in or anything that drastic. I would just like for you to come to therapy with me, put your fear aside, and if we make progress in therapy great, if not we’re getting divorced as it is. If you would just consider coming to dale for a month and working with the issues you feel cant be overcome I think you would be amazed at the progress you could make. I felt a depression worse than anything I had ever felt before. It was paralyzing. I wanted to stop living. I didn’t want to be with anyone or do anything. It felt intensely like i would never or could never feel differently. I wanted nothing more than to just crawl into hole and die. I went to therapy twice a week and its getting better. My self esteem and feeling of self worth were both zero because of our relationship. I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness and would engage in self sabatoge because any feeling of happiness got to the point where it was unpleasant. It was a horrible way to feel and a horrible way to be living. Unfortunately you bore the brunt of that behavior. I am sorry. Through the therapy I really feel completely different. I approach life as a whole differently. I just want to show you this not only because I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life but also because I know the way you deserve to be treated, how to effect the marriage we both want to have, and to show you I am worthy of trust. I think you brought the trust issues into the relationship and the there was always a kind of distrust there. without the depression and anxiety about arguments there is no reason for me to ever be dishonest with you. it can be repaired if you put aside your fear. I felt so much anxiety to be the husband you wanted me to be and had this impossible standard in my head about what I had to do to be that person. Through therapy I have learned that it was my own level of ideal that I had in my head that may or most likely was not consistent with yours that was impossible for me to live up to in my mind and when I couldn’t it would cause more depression and anxiety that lead to self sabatoge. All I had to do was ask you what you expected of me but I was incapable of accessing that area of my brain and that level of emotion since my brain had blocked that access long before we even met. I see things so clearly now that were invisible before. There were so many levels of blocked access to emotion that it was impossible for me to succeed in any more than a superficial level of emotion. That’s why I would say things like lets just move on rather than dealing with the issues because I couldn’t deal with them. I was incapable of dealing with them. it is also how things would get so spun out of control because my brain would literally block whatever feelings I had because it would cause pain and inability to think and my brain would just block the emotion and shut down my ability to communicate. (as an aside, this email was going to be three sentences long tops. But I cant stop myself from expressing how I feel now.) all of this caused me to tell lies or avoid problems rather than dealing with the issues. I am cognizant of that on a very deep level now. The difference is my emotional development had stopped around the age of 12 or 13. Through therapy twice a week I feel like I am gaining an appropriate adult level of emotion and the stability and insight that comes with it. I have such a clarity that I know would benefit both of us. If only you would just give therapy a shot. Now that the anger has subsided. We could just see what happens. Or go to dale individually for a couple weeks and see if that gets you to a place where you consider going back to heitler with me. I know I destroyed your trust in me to whatever degree I had it. I know you were distrustful of marriage and that caused you anxiety as well. I see what I need to do know to allay those fears and rebuild your faith and trust in me. I don’t want you to be the non trusting person either. I know what that feels like. That is what caused me to have thoughts of jealousy racing uncontrolled. I have worked on that in therapy as well. In my situation it was the result of deeper issues tied to the things I have mentioned in this and other emails. In sessions we have done together you said consciously and subconsciously that you didn’t trust men, marriage, that men cant be emotionally available and some other things that are related. If you would just try to deal with those issues and then consider whether you want to try couples therapy, perhaps that would be a possibility."