Knowledge is Power

Oh WOW...sorry this is so long...~just reread it...sorry girls!...I'm long winded today I guess...anyway, here is my experience of being the OW. One night I was feeling kinda lonely and after speaking to a GF of mine who had suggested I might try creating an online profile and just 'make some new friends'...maybe have a few nice 'dates'...I made a profile on PlentyOfFish. My profile was obviously just simple & nice and not at all suggestive or anything. And I clearly stated I was only looking to make some new friends and read/write in the forums. One day I get an email from a fella who had seen a post of mine in a forum, and we bantered back and forth and started communicating. He seemed really nice. Said he was divorced for 10 years and had 3 teenagers and a married daughter. He lived about 2,000 miles from me...and it all seemed to be a harmless and light hearted little online and long distance 'flirtation'....but as weeks and months rolled on...we started talking on the phone every single day...sometimes 2-4 times...and he always called me each night to say goodnight. I remember during several of our conversations...as we started to develop some more serious emotions and interest in one another...that I had asked him about his marriage. He told me he had not always been the husband he should have been...but that it was his WIFE who had cheated on him and who was a 'rather wanton woman'...etc. and when he had found out that she had been seeing his best friend...he was brokenhearted and they had divorced then. I felt sympathy for him...that his wife had hurt him in this way...(I NEVER knew this was ALL a lie at the time) He also had told me that she was a very vindictive person...and so that if I ever happen to call him at home (and he prefered I only call his cell) if woman picked up and told me she was his wife and that they were not divorced...it was because she might sometimes still come by the house to drop off or pick up one of the kids...and sometimes she might answer the phone, and she liked to break up his relationships and cause him 'problems', he made her sound like some really awful shrew!...and he told me to not ever believe a word she said if this happened...if she answered the phone...because she had supposedly broken up several of his other good relationships over the years by telling the women he was seeing then that he was still married...which he claimed was NOT true!!! ...and I was stupid enough to believe him. For months I only called him on his cell...and he was the one to usually call ME anyway...so there was no phone call to his home for a long time and I continued to believe his story about him being divorced 'for over 10 years', and also that he was having VERY strong emotions for me and wanted to come see me and 'see what happens naturally'. (yeah right! He just wanted some new booty, but I did not know this at the time) Well, He made plans to come see me and sent me the itinerary for his flight and arrival(to prove he had made the flight arrangements and paid for it too with his credit card)...and I was SO excited...I shopped for a new outfit, got lots of groceries, made plans to show him the town and introduce him to my friends!...We had been speaking every single day and every single night...sometimes for hours long conversations...and a guy couldn't stay on the phone for 3 hours at night if he was married...right??? (OMG I was SO stupid! and gullible) He seemed so genuine...so wonderful and decent. We had conversations about everything under the sun and moon...and felt like we really got to know each other. He said he wanted to make plans to bring me back to my own country...and someday maybe, if all went well between us...he wanted to get married again...and wanted to build his new wife (possibly me), a beautiful home...OMG did he really create a 'dream' future and had me believeing it could come true! Anyway, he had built his own home years ago and had sent me recent photos of it...and it was in those photos I recognized decorations that were uniquely feminine...as if a woman lived in the home...especially when I saw the pics of his kitchen...a woman's touch was everywhere...in the wallpaper, the decor, etc....so I asked him about this...and he told me that his 'sister' had decorated for him and had tried to make his new home seem cozy and familiar by adding a feminine touch, cause he had nearly been destroyed years ago by the divorce and everyone had rallied round him (aww poor guy!)...and he explained that I was not to ever think he was married...or living with someone else...because (according to him)...he stated emphatically and absolutely that he was not! (yeah right!)He told me he would NEVER lie to me and would always tell each other the truth about everything. He insisted on complete homesty between us. (OMG...little did I know what an utter LIAR HE REALLY WAS!) Well, the day of his arrival came...and hours went by...and I was high on anticipation and could barely contain my excitedment to my friends and family! I had told everyone about him...(OMG what an idiot I was!)...I was so happy at the thought to finally being able to hug & kiss him and talk to him in person and for us to be able to start a REAL relationship 'in person'...finally, after months of email and phone conversations that went on long into the night...and he had not only created all this, but built on this 'dream life and wonderful relationship over and over to reinforce it all in my mind (what a VERY cruel thing to do, but I didn't know then it was all a lie) As the hours ticked by...and the time of his arrival came...then went...I waited and waited for another hour...and another...then started to feel upset...worried something had happened...I called his cell several times and it was turned off. Well, I told myself, he was still on the plane...or at the airport! I left him a message to please call me as I was getting concerend not to hear from him...and about 20 min.later he called and said he had missed his flight out due to running late at work, and he was in the car driving as fast as he could to the airport as we spoke!...and he would be on the next flight out and be there by late evening...that he was so sorry, but his phone wasn't working right while he was on the road to get to the airport...or he would have called me sooner...He said, "Don't worry Baby, I am on my way! I cannot wait to hold you in my arms"...."Wild horses couldn't stop me from being with you"...(and I still believed him) And evening came and went...and it became clear something was not right...and I called his cell again...but of course he did not answer...so I thought he must be on the plane and had it turned off...needless to say I went to sleep in tears...feeling really really stupid...and when I woke up the next morning, I looked up his home number he told me not to call, and called it anyway...because all my friends started to tell me they thought he was actually married and was 'playing' me. Why would someone do that?...He was getting an emotional and fantasy 'high' from it I guess. Well, when I called his home number...you guessed it...a woman answered. I asked for (his name) and she said, well, I will give him the message as he just left for work...and she wanted to know who I was, and could see by my phone number that I was calling from another country! Well...I told her absolutely everything, at her insistance...even told her he had said repeatedly that they were divorced for over 10 years. She told me they have been married for over 25 years and NEVER once talked about a divorce...but she had noticed that their sex life had really picked up...that they hadn't had such imaginative and frequent sex since the first year of their marriage (I burst into tears at that point, he and I had been having a little 'phone sex' sometimes, and I was so hurt and embarassed)...and she thought perhaps he used me to fuel their fantasy life. We BOTH ended up in a very long tearful conversation...each of us comforting the other...She was also on her computer...so I sent her all the correspondence from him that she asked me for..he had sent me hundreds of emails...and I sent her the photos he had sent me too. She sent me recent pics of them together...and she was utterly lovely...a beautiful woman...and I could tell she was very sweet, a similar kind of woman as I was...she said that he had cheated a couple of times during their marriage, at least that she found out about, but she suspected he had continued to cheat, as she had caught him in a lot of lies, and had been good at hiding his cheating/womanizing from her, obviously...(both with local women and with those he met online) She said the only time she really wondered lately about what he was up to, was one night in bed when he was holding her and asked her if she thought it was possible to ever love 2 people at one time. That and the increase in their sex life were her only clues, but he was telling her so much how much he loved her...that she didn't give it a second thought ...I asked her about all the phone calls...didn't she ever notice him on the phone with me? She said that she DID catch him talking on the phone a couple of times (probably to me)...but he told her that he was talking to his friend 'John'...and she let it go. They had counseling a long time ago...and because he was a good provider, and they had 4 children together...se had decided to give him another chance years ago...and really thought he wasn't cheating anymore. She was heartbroken...so was I...and I also stayed in bed for a few days crying, feeling SO duped and stupid and very hurt. He called me to apologize, told me how angry his wife was at him for hurting me... and he was 'crying' and said how bad he felt for doing this to me. (Uh huh!...I told him off every which way to Sunday and back again and told him that I NEVER wanted to hear from him again in my life!...what an absolute creep!...he just used me for supply...how sick and twisted is that!) He begged for my forgiveness, but I felt he was insincere and told him I would never believe a word he ever said...and thanked him for initiating me into being something I vowed NEVER to be...the OW who played a part in hurting another in the sisterhood of womankind! I was completely unaware all along!...His wife and I stayed supportive & friendly and would call each other from time to time to see how the other one was doing...but eventually we let go and moved on... The point is...even the nicest of us in this 'Sisterhood' without the intentions of ever being the OW...can be manipulated and lied to by these NARCOPATHS...and be completely fooled and unaware...and by the time we DO find out about his wife or his GF...we have developed some bond or emotions for the SNAKE which makes it VERY hard and confusing. OMG the utter stories they tell and the lies!!!...these guys are SO incredible at lying to anyone and everyone...and will do anything to get what THEY want...supply...no matter WHO they hurt or devastate. Let's be good to each other...some of you may not even know you have ever been an OW! It's possible! Being duped and manipulated into a triagular relaitonship with one of these NARCS can happen to the very best of us...especially when they go after you and pour on the charm...and lie thru their teeth about everything! I really wonder how many OW really know they are actually OW??? Remember how good these guys are at hiding the truth about everything...especially about themselves! And as for those female femme fatales who may persue your man on purpose with relentless behavior, even when they know he is in a relationship with YOU, or is married...and that you are NOT the bi*ch he makes you out to be...let's hope they are really few and far between...but the ones that actually do this are possibly narcopaths themselves, certainly they've got their own major 'issues' and have lost their moral compas or don't care who they hurt either. Those that go after another woman's man deliberatly...deserve what they get! Let her have him. IMHO They deserve each other! Her ultimate punishment is HIM!!!!!

Your so right DHA, that is what's it's all about. I appreciate your post more than you know.

Ditchhisass - Great thread. Knowledge is power and we should learn from one another, not fight with one another. Briseis - this is soooo true and I want everyone to keep this in mind please: "This is the 21st Century!! I can go get my own squirrels, and have value on my OWN. I can feed my babies on my OWN. So having a man (keeping him, getting him) is icing on the cake. Hell, sperm is free and exists in MASSIVE quantities :D . You want a baby? Octomom has 14 and has not given the slightest hint she wants a MAN (I think this woman is NUTZ but anyway)."

I swore up and down when I was young that I would never, ever cheat on anyone, nor would I tolerate it. Then my bf at the time cheated on me, and suddenly I couldn't see it so black and white anymore. I married the guy, but the trust had been broken several times. I think he was a cerebral N and our sex life dwindled to nothing. A year after we were married I met the XN and being the somatic narc he was, I was in big trouble, a sitting duck. He told me he was married, but that he was in an open marriage and that both he and his wife had lovers on the side all the time. He also told me that he wasn't physically attracted to her, beautiful as she was (hello madonna/whore complex!). I was young, naive, in huge need of sexual attention/validation. So, we started a torrid affair. According to him, this was all part of his agreement with his wife. I on the other hand was just flat out cheating on my husband, something I'd said I'd never do. I will always feel bad about that. Months down the road I left my husband as I knew it was over. Not necessarily to be with the N but I hoped for it. He left his wife a few days later. We ended up together in another "open" relationship because he'd convinced me that it was the only way to go, that humans aren't by nature monogamous, that this is more natural, etc. As I'd been so hurt by cheating all my life (father, every bf I ever had, etc.) it sounded pretty good to me, maybe I could avoid the hurt this way. Karma came for me when I learned that he indeed had an agreement with his wife just as he had with me, and that he broke every rule in the book even with a leash that long. He broke every rule we ever set up as well, and was incapable of telling the truth consistently. The relationship that was supposed to be so honest, so "real" was excruciatingly painful. To make myself feel better, as he had all kinds of OW, I had an affair with one someone at the company where I was consulting. He was married, and of course, he said, unhappily (yet another madonna/whore thing--think by now I'd have gotten the hint that I was the whore in these equations). My rationale was that it was better he had that affair with me, who was just in it for sex and validation, then some other woman who would complicate it with messy emotions and threaten his marriage in that regard. Boy did he praise me a lot for being so practical about it all. Truth is I probably did fall in love with him a bit, not that I'd ever have revealed it. I fully believed in my rationale at the time, and of course the XN, who wanted to be able to keep chasing OW to his heart's content, fully supported my reasoning. Hell he probably was the one who gave me the idea in the first place. To sum up, I was, first of all, young and very naive. Not having a strong core of my own, I believed what I was told to an alarming degree, and the XN was a trained NLP practitioner so he was very persuasive. I was also caught up in the power of youth and beauty and the ability to attract. And probably feeling a bit entitled, as the uninitiated can feel. Despite being fairly smart, at that age the idea that someday you'll be older, and all that comes with that, just doesn't register! At some point I also began to be like the XN in some ways, taking what I wanted and finding bizarre ways to justify it. My moral code? What the hell was it? I lost it, big time. How awful to wake up from that and not even recognize who I'd become. So there you have it. It feels good to write this down actually. I've been on all sides and though I have regrets I'm the wiser for it, and the less likely to judge anyone else's choices as you could probably never understand all the factors that go into those choices. The XN's former wife and I have been good friends for a long time now. If there was a way to say I'm sorry to the woman whose husband I had an affair with I would, but it would do more harm than good. And, I know I was one of many, her husband is her issue. I can't go back and change any of it but I can do my own homework about myself so that I'm a better citizen of womankind. :)

When I was the OW (back in my twenties) I had an affair with a married man, a social worker at my job. It's been a long time ago, now, but what I do remember is one of the FIRST times we were alone (over lunch) he came right out and said he was having problems with his wife. I was very attracted, and bumbling along, pretty horny, and he was a DOLL. And all that social worker "awareness" of personal issues, therapy, blah blah blah. I ate it UP. So we agreed to have an affair. The thing was, his wife knew everything, from the beginning, to the end. She knew when he came over. We were "together" only twice, but the affair lasted months, where we went out and danced or trysted in the car like a couple of horny highschool kids. All the while, he insisted I be clear he LOVED his wife and would never leave her, and that I was just an "interest" he was pursuing. I just sit here now, twenty years later, and shake my head. Finally, his poor wife put her foot down. She, he and I sat in their living room and while he cradled her in his arms, he told me it was "over" and I needed to go back home now. I drove to a parkinglot, got very very drunk in my car, threw up, and passed out. Then drove home quite drunk and decided I'd better get a different job. Six years later, I contacted him again. Of course they had divorced, and he was engaged to another woman. I jumped right in and started flirting and so did he. Then, one day he told me it wasn't fair to his fiance what we were doing. I never contacted him again, though I got a few emails that I couldn't even read. I was humiliated, enraged. It wasn't until after the exN, another ten years later, that I see this guy for what he was. He never said a so called abusive word to me. He simply treated me like SHIT. And on my part? I was selfish. And wrong, morally wrong from my own moral compass. I was cruel to his wife (now ex) and tried to do it AGAIN to his next wife. I wanted my pleasure and didn't care about what this was doing to her. They were having "marital problems", right? If someone told me I was suffering hideous low self esteem to have gotten involved with him, I would agree wholeheartedly. If they told me I was cruel and selfish, I'd agree. I was, and I've accepted that. I am capable of being this way. I think we all are. I am not that way anymore. My current moral compass is very tweaked against extra marital affairs, and NOT because any man of mine had one. But because I was the OW. It's not about groveling and begging anyone for forgiveness, though if I ran into the exwife, I would ask her if it were OK if I did apologize to her. It happened, and I was wrong, and I do wrong things and then learn from them, repent, and not do them again. That's the only thing I can think of to do. I can't undo it, and it's basic Karma to have to live with what I did. It had it's influence on who I am now, and it's taught me to be a more sensitive person. That's my personal learning experience.