Knock, knock!

21 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 1 - 9PM

venuslovedpluto

Knock, knock!

...he just showed up at my door. Omfg. A lot of nerve. And great timing too. This is when he shows up. Now. A thousand other times I've all but begged him to Show Up...between the lines and out of them...and he never has. He's trounced all of my emotional and mental boundaries, taken my heart and smushed it like it was nothing more than a paper bag that used to carry something he almost thought he wanted, and now he shows up at my door as if he always can. But now of course I'm "The Bad Guy" for not opening it. For telling him to go. Now he'll drive the 20 mins back home, So Rejected...because It's All about Him after all, and I bet you anything I'll get a text right about now starring me as The Asshole.

#2 Feb 2 - 12PM

venuslovedpluto

I needed this.

I need to stay here. Close to this board. I'm losing my perspective, he's trying to keep me engaged in the mindgames but has upped the ante to creepy stuff that's freaking me out. I got disoriented for a bit I think but wasn't wanting to see him. I need to not be communicating with him at all. He's deliberately abusing me now. Because I'm letting him.

#3 Feb 2 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Briseis

Hi Venus, I'm very heartened

Hi Venus, I'm very heartened to hear you speaking "health" :D What you are going through is some kind of psychological warfare, for sure. One where you are the victim, the oppressed and rather "powerless" one. Kind of like you are huddled waiting for the next assault and just hoping to survive it. This isn't because HE is such a powerful, awful Narc. It's because you haven't quite got your warrior girl panties on yet. Don't feel bad, it's a process to figure out you even have them to put on :D And the way to start it is to do whatEVER it takes to spare yourself ANY contact with him whatsoever. What is he physically DOING to mess with you right now?

#4 Feb 4 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

venuslovedpluto

Actually

I didn't mean to skate around your question, I just realized that I didn't answer it directly. Which connected what he was doing to how I'd been feeling, I guess I answered my own question. He was a gaslighter. But denied it. He'd act like I was crazy, look at me like I was crazy, he'd deny things I'd specifically remember him saying. He'd tell me; "Stop looking for hidden meanings in everything, there are none!! I'm simple!! I'm a simple guy." Ugh. Yeah right. He was one of the Narcs who are Never Angry. Perpetually mellow, unassuming was his air. He never lost control, never got upset, seemed mild-mannered and always had this amused, pleasant, contented look on his face. Toward the end I wanted to smack it off. I could FEEL his anger right below the surface. I knew it was there. But he'd deny ever feeling any of that kind of tension. Yeah, because he'd slough it off onto me. Waayyy before I ever found this forum or knew what Narcissism was, I'd felt that way and even told him so. We'd gotten into an argument a few years ago and I was pissed, lost my cool, made myself look idiotic. Later I'd asked him; "What do you do with your anger? How is it that you're never, ever upset? It seems so unnatural to me." He'd explained that he just internalizes it, like most guys. But then just a couple days later we got into it again and I remember texting him and saying; "You don't internalize your anger! Not at all! What you do is shirk it off onto the people around you and then they get to deal with it! I get to feel it, yours AND mine!" I remember feeling insane again after I'd said this but was so perplexed because it had just sailed out of me and when it had, it felt right on target. I should've been listening to myself more. I could've spared myself a few years of this dementia. His latest was dropping hints about some transgression of mine, something I'd apparently done and oh, he's in the know. It was rather unnerving because my stepdad did the Exact Same Thing. So, you're right. He wasn't physically doing anything to me. He was toying with my head. Because I'd allowed it to happen. I think this relationship triggered the trauma from my childhood. When my stepdad used this manipulative tactic, I had nowhere to run. I was trapped. I didn't even have my mom on my side. He lied to her, distracted her, played the rocking boat with her. I felt I had to allow the things he'd do to me or see my whole world upended. One by one, he'd take every source of freedom, comfort. Leaving pleasing him my only route to seeing them back in place, along with my goal- my sanity. A double edged sword. I made the mistake of telling my ex about this and sadly, I believe he used it to his advantage.

#5 Feb 4 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

Briseis

Wow, thanks for getting in

Wow, thanks for getting in there and digging into my question. It really helps me understand what you meant. There was so much despair in your post and I wanted to know what was behind it :( I understand the despair now! A gaslighter who never gets openly angry. That is particularly awful because the almost complete lack of validation. He doesn't rage at you, so you lose that bit of validation, raging at someone is inarguably a bad thing. Your situation is a lot like the women (erm, like me for instance :D ) who lose it and go about provoking their Narc to go ahead and hit them. Thank God my Narc was SO controlling he wouldn't hit me (because it was my idea LOL). If he would hit me then YES, that would have been validation. You've suffered a massive degree of invalidation, perhaps more so than most of us who have at least a nice solid list of nasty behaviors that are obviously wrong. I'm struck with how difficult that makes it to wake up to his NPD. How fortunate you are to have woken up at all :( What you said to him about foisting off his anger and having other people act it out is EXACTLY right. A very on target description of what he does do. Besides being a Narc, this dude is also passive aggressive as hell. Most of us here, I think, have Narcs with sociopathic traits (at least easy to identify that way) but you have a Narc with a passive aggressive twist to him. Maybe it will help to look up Passive Aggressive personality disorder (before the DSM 5 throws it out with NPD :D ). In your response below, I am very heartened to hear that you have had an internal shift. You see him clearly. You have the beginning of being able to shut him out of your head. He really cannot get in once you understand what he is. He's not your PEER, he's a ragingly disturbed person. It may waver and you'll find yourself questioning yourself again, and you may not. Remember this: he is one of the most cleverly disguised kind of WHACK JOBS, OK? He is a nutbag through and through, and you are on to him. He can show up on your doorstep all the live long day, and you know what? You don't have to answer the door. Imagine that! Or answer his phone calls or read his texts. Close the door (and nail it shut while you're at it). He is a nasty kind of poison.

#6 Feb 4 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

venuslovedpluto

Briseis

The points you made in your post are exactly what I was dealing with. I have read all about passive aggression, in fact it's where I started when my intuition kept screeching at me; "This is a big problem!" That feeling led me to an online search. I'd taken Abnormal Psych a few years before and had remembered the term for the behavior. I just hadn't known where it was going to take me of course, I'd figured he just had some bad behavioral habits that could probably be tweaked if I assured him that he was safe talking openly to me. Wrong! He just took that and gave himself free reign to be a jerk more often...the passive/aggressive behavior continued. Then I found out about his wife and the way he'd handled that horrible mess (yes, I actually stuck around for more) led me to Narcissism. I couldn't believe it as I was reading. I'd forgotten all about it from my classes. Reading the character description was like reading something written by someone who knew him up close and personally. What an eye-opener, holy crap. But yes, JUST like you said, I second-guessed myself. EVEN though when I'd read it, my stomach was POSITIVE. I would have bet everything I had on my ability to correctly diagnose his ass right then and there and prescribe him anti-Narc meds. I wish there were some out there. Because I like being around him. He's sweet, playful, affectionate, gentle, he's like a little boy- down for anything, he just wants to be with me and have fun. Sounds like I'm describing my puppy. But the passive/aggressive behavior was heart-wrenching because of the deep feelings I had for him. My attachment, I guess. This made me start watching him more closely. And then I got scared. Really scared. I remember crying one night, he was over at my place...it was right before I'd found out he was married. The pain inside was so deep, I knew something was so wrong, I cried and cried so hard I could not even breathe and he just held me. And told me to cry. Looking back, that makes me so mad. How could he? I've been on the rollercoaster for over a year and a half. Since I found out. =( In the last 12 months, mostly off though. Maybe weaning myself off. Sometimes I feel like my mind guided me through it that way on purpose. Allowing me to go back but stay away longer each time, seeing more each time, more convinced each time that this was irrepairable. The invalidation just about killed me. I needed to voice my feelings about his wife. He stonewalled me completely. I'm not a person who can internalize that kind of pain. And because of my past, validation is even more crucial for me I think. Once again, it stung even more that he knew this about me and still shut me down each time I tried. There he'd be, rolling his eyes...and there I'd be, trying over and over and over to express myself, looking for something akin to empathy or regret, but seeing instead this grown brat having a pout and calling me names because he only wants to talk about Fun Stuff. I didn't want him to be broken up about it inside just like I was. I only wanted him to see me, feel for how I felt. It never happened. I became dead-horse beater. Gloom and Doomer. Get over it already, he'd tell me. Live in the now. I said sorry.... I did provoke him, girl. You bet I did. It got so bad that I'd dare him, goad him, tell him exactly what I thought- no holds barred, I tore us both down hoping probably that he'd break and I would too and then finally we could bleed this horrible blockage and pass through the pain. That never happened either. I got sick. Emotionally, physically. I know in my soul that he has this disorder. I know it. And I know I have to stay away. My instincts tell me it's worse than wanting to use me now, he wants to break me. I can feel it. He won't get to. I've been through enough.

#7 Feb 4 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

gettinbetter

Yes I did this too. I would

Yes I did this too. I would provoke him. Mine is very passive agressive. Oh how they love that then they get to make you look extra crazy.

#8 Feb 4 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

venuslovedpluto

Extra crazy!

I know!!! He would do it on purpose, I realized! And then next time I had something emotion-based to express he'd say; "Oh GOD here we go again with one of your psychotic episodes/trip-outs/freakouts." Grrrrrr!!!!!! I cannot even BEGIN to describe how much this frustrated me!! It totally reminded me of my little shit of a BROTHER, when we were like 8 and 10. So manipulative! Opportunistic! Traitor! Ugh! I wanted to throttle him. I was in complete disbelief. Like...this is NOT happening to me. Not happening not happening.

#9 Feb 4 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

venuslovedpluto

Sickofit-

How would you provoke him? Just curious lol I turned into a little monster then he turned into a little monster...I was horrified. Omg. I had no idea I was capable of spewing that kind of venom.

#10 Feb 5 - 6PM (Reply to #18)

gettinbetter

When I was younger and we

When I was younger and we would get in a fight and he would hang up or whatever I would go to his house and engage him pouring out my heart and crying. He would say things and accuse (and it was true) of things that I knew would enrage him. I would do things to make him jealous. When we started getting physical I wouldnt leave eventhough I could tell he was getting enraged. I would call him out on stuff on all the time when I could just have let it go. I think I secretly was trying facilitate the end in an unconscious way. Also I always knew that after one of those blow ups he always pull me close. One time my nose started bleeding in one of our pushing/shoving matches and his elbow hit my nose cause it to started bleeding. When he saw the blood I could see the look of terror on his face. I freaked out started screaming. He grabbed me and I screamed and was crying because I thought he was going to hurt me but he pulled close and said OH God this cant happen again and began cleaning my face up in a very gentle way. He held me telling me shhhhhh and stroking my head and back. Things calmed down and we both went silent and he held me and I believe I spent the night. Classic Stockholm Syndrom stuff This time I would say you dont love me which I know enraged him. I "outted him" knowing full well that he would abandon me once he knew I had idea what was wrong with him. Eventhough my heart breaks from the abandonment, I think I instigated knowing he would out of self preservation. I think I did it sub consciously cause I knew I couldnt continue the with the mental torture.

#11 Feb 6 - 2AM (Reply to #19)

venuslovedpluto

SickofIt

I did the same thing at the end =/

#12 Feb 4 - 5PM (Reply to #12)

venuslovedpluto

Briseis

Hi there, I'm doing much better now. Thank you. He really freaked me out earlier this week. I don't know why but I felt anxious, threatened, guilty, uncomfortable. I don't even understand why and I've been able to so far, for the most part. But yesterday something switched. I stopped looking at the phone, I'd gotten some sleep and I felt stronger. I spent a decent part of the day reading Vaknin & that was cleansing for me. I have a story to tell some day. It's pretty crazy. The human mind (and the story). It's just amazing...how much I didn't know I Knew. And I Knew. The guy has no power over me. None. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. What a relief. I felt Happy yesterday. Genuine inside-happy. For the first time in a long while. I'm not concerned with what he's doing, I know I'll be sad still and emotional and miss him but he has no pull on me. I can no longer feel it.

#13 Feb 2 - 7AM

victimnomore

Venuslovedpluto

I hope that I don't offend you but i was married to a Narc/Psycho for 25 years. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you not NC? He cheated on his wife and had no regards for his children, Is this the kind of man you want in your life? He will cheat on you too? You will wake up one day completely deleted and sucked dry of your soul! You should run the other way and not look back! I wish i had it to do all over again but I can't and i have a child by this sicko but guess what? NC for 5 months and I plan on it for the rest of my life. Why let this man control you? Cut him off. send his old ass into the sunset and move on with your life. You sound young and smart please don't engage with him. He had his life and he fucked it up so why let him screw yours up too. Sorry but i hate to see you fall for his shit! CUT HIM OFF!

victimnomore

#14 Feb 2 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

venuslovedpluto

No, I'm not offended at all

Please don't refrain ever from speaking openly to me. I really need it =/

#15 Feb 2 - 7AM

onwithmylife

VENUS

Mine came by on several different times unannounced and when I lived in different towns.When we reconnected again, he called me real late, like midnight or later and asked if i wanted to come down to his place the next day and like a fool Isaid sure.Once he showed up after he must have tired to make love to his 3rd wife, they were separated and asked me if i wanted to screw around, probably to see if he could still perform and I said OK and off we went to the bedroom and his plumbing was still intact. I think of so many different times I was like his puppy dog, it was ridiculous and 15 years later he goes off to another state.He placed so much importance on his male organ, as to who he is, that is probably not uncommon for many men but with these guys I think there is MORE emphasis.

#16 Feb 1 - 10PM

Amazed

And why would you like a psycho in your life?

I guess that is my question,,why ruin your life?

#17 Feb 1 - 10PM

venuslovedpluto

Wanna know what makes me the Most Angry about this?

Probably not but I'll tell you anyway. We've fought before and I've been really upset, but if he'd have shown at my door I'd have talked to him. Hugged him. Probably even more too. But he wouldn't. He'd let me cry instead. He'd stop texting, or hang up, like my pain was invisible. He'd ignore my telling him how I feel, direct it off into outer space in some twisted, inane conversational loop, losing me in frustration and resignation. New Years Eve...over at his place, we're wine buzzy. I tell him I'm sorry for some of the intensity, that it's been a rough year. I also tell him that sometimes women test, subconsciously, we do it when we're unsure about how you feel. When maybe your actions aren't up to speed with our need-to-know and we need some help. (I don't remember exactly how I put it but it went something like that.) His reply: "I knew you were testing me with that haha, wanting me to run to the rescue. I thought to myself, screw this! I can stay home and jerk off." Woww. So he pretty much removed every last ounce of doubt I had there about his ability to empathize with me. I could be crying my eyes out and he's thinking...hmmmm....drive to her place, deal with that and maybe get laid....or stay home and not have to drive and get laid with my hand and Amateur XXX Nympho College Cuties. Choice B. No brainer. He said this so matter-of-factly, though of course I could never bring something like that up to him because I'd be told; "Great! I can't even say anything around you, I have to Walk On Eggshells...and you wonder why I don't talk to you openly." Omfg, makes me want to bang my head on my wall just thinking about that game. I would Never have been a priority of his, I am doing the right thing here. He only showed up for himself. Maybe because earlier he was texting & asking me why I have to be "Drama" all the time (arrggghh!!) and I texted back; "Why are you such an ugly person? Does it make you feel good? Being cruel to the people who try and love you?" I didn't even read his responses, I deleted them all. He only came for himself, so why am I sitting here feeling bad and uncomfortable.

#18 Feb 2 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

gettinbetter

I say you did good girl. You

I say you did good girl. You sent his ass packing! Good for you!

#19 Feb 4 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

Hunter

Agree!" Sent his ass

Agree!" Sent his ass packing" I like that .

#20 Feb 1 - 9PM

strongerthanever

Don't you love it when they

Don't you love it when they show up unannounced?! My exN did that one time. Caught him driving by other times. He used to drive in the alley and check to see who was at my house. I never, ever, had the desire to drive by his apartment to see if he was home, who was there...why? Did you let him in and let him speak what was on his mind? If my exN ever does have the balls to show up, not opening the door. I did receive a call that had the number withheld. Not sure if it was him or not. No one said anything on the other end. I have him blocked via email but, he can always create a fake alias and send me an email. But, I seriously doubt it. Just be careful.

#21 Feb 1 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

venuslovedpluto

Whoa

Drive bys? Really? Wow. No, I told him to leave through the door and he said; "Really? You're gonna just blow me off, huh? Okay." Then he left. I let him in once before (he came for his shoes but we'd been fighting too so I knew he came to try and offset it) but he just looked at me. With this uncertain, tentative look on his face. I half expected him to raise one paw. Like my dog when she's trying to figure out if I'm pissed or not. I looked back at him, didn't say anything so then he left. He seriously just wants me to fix our problems by myself, everything is my fault for being "overly-emotional" and "always looking for hidden meanings", he has no idea that he gives the words "high maintenance" a whole new subcategory and exhausts me. He's a brat, he's a bully, he sees everything in black and white, lives by rules I couldn't possibly trust or understand. He's freaking abusive. It's not cute anymore, it never was and I so regret ever letting him slide like it was. He thought he could just waltz in and all would be cool! I've been in my apartment in pain for a week. Tonight, I feel like I hate him for allowing me to become so attached to such a mess. But it's just as much my fault =/ And I hate that. Damn, did he drug me? I seriously fell for this man-child alien con artist.

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