Kicking myself in the butt

I broke NC inadvertently last Thursday and ended up sleeping with him… I already wrote a post about this, and this was after 3 months of NC. It’s been 5 days NC now, and I feel like I have destroyed everything I worked so hard on. I feel ashamed, and I haven’t been myself since that night. It’s so hard to crack a smile. I even bought a pack of cigarettes after quitting for 2 weeks or so. I feel like my depression has come back but, I know what I need to do. I keep on getting this urge to call him to try to “resolve” everything because essentially nothing was resolved. He “apologized” but I feel like it was insincere. It most likely was. All the bad feelings, and obsessive thoughts are back, and I hate it. I keep thinking about when he calls because he will eventually, of what I want to do as oppose of what I should do, and that is to block it. But, a part of me wants to so badly tell him never again, and that I am still hurt by his lies, and his sick, twisted ways of manipulation that I have now realized. I know Contact=Pain. I did this to myself but, if only I could rewind time to last Thursday and had better self-control. The alcohol intake did not help any matters. I am more upset with myself then anything, and I haven’t told a soul about it because I will get the 3rd degree if my friends and family knew. It was a slip up. I know I need to let it go. I have been working out, reading, and writing a freakin’ book about it in my journal. I just think that last and most important thing I need to do is find a therapist I trust. I have been putting this off too long. I am trying to retrain my brain and not to focus on my thoughts… it’s just been a tough couple of days, and I know people can tell. I am just not myself right now. But thanks to this once again wonderful website, I hopefully will bounce back quicker this time around. Everyone on here has helped me a great deal, and I will never forget this life changing experience I am going through because of this place of solace, understanding, and help.
-rebuildingmysoul