just venting

I get so tired of thinking and replaying the same things in my head over and over again. I know I am an obsessive person, but really I have never obsessed so much about anyone else in my whole life.

I am going through a myriad of emotions about my recently ended fantasy relationship with the narc. As we all know, in the beginning "they" flood us with all the bonding emotional romantic (bull****) that can get us to think we are soulmates and that we have something that few other couples have. They ensnare us until we would just about give up anything and everyone for them.

In the beginning I used to think that he was just a red-blooded typical man that had a void in his life and his marriage wasn't working out. And that connecting with me after all these years brought him out of a deep dark depression and that because I was from his hometown, he and I could continue our secret love affair because we both had similar needs (a lot of mirroring going on in our relationship, lol...and I didn't not realize that until I found this website).

He made me feel like he truly needed me for emotional support and our communication was exactly what he wanted to be happy.

But then, after the initial shock of realizing that I wasn't important enough for him to risk (even once) a phone call or text to my cell, or a letter to my private P.O. Box....and much less to drive the distance to be with me if only for a short time.

When the emails slowed down and I began to feel like I was annoying him with my daily emails I FINALLY began doubting his feelings for me. Then I started seeing all sorts of red flags.

Anyway, long venting cut short.....this is bad to say, but I would still not mind the lack of attention from him...what hardens my heart more toward him more than anything is the cat and mouse games.

I can tolerate a lot and am too enabling I know, but I fell in love with this man and I wouldn't have minded being the OW and given up a lot of communication and time with him, but the fact that he intentionally played with my emotions was the turning point. That to me proved that he had no true feelings for me and the seven year old in him kept appearing more and more in my mind.

Ok, sorry to vent, but I just had to get it out.