Just Thoughts

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 29 - 2PM

faith_

Just Thoughts

So there was never anything real to be had with him? All five plus years were nothing but manipulation on his part...? How can he have everything else in order in his life, family friends work etc, and just have been emotionally off with me, and manipulating me. I feel so cheated. I feel duped. And for them to think I'm the problem. I know life is not about what other people think, but in this case, when my sanity depends so much on knowing the truth and other people's role in this process, it really hurts me that those in his life that I've known pretty much are strong behind him. If something is SO OFF, why can't/don't they know it as well...and why do I have to suffer in my own private horrible brand of place he created just for me. It's the oddest most surreal thing I've experienced. Where nothing quite makes sense and either others are living in an alternate reality, or I'm the one who's mistaken..

I'm tired of giving him power. I don't want to do this anymore I don't spend major time wondering what he meant by this or that. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that he was almost always trying to manipulate me. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact/idea that this is ALL it was. It's still hard for me to accept, understand and grasp this. That he can truly exist ONLY for what he can take from me...and it was never anything actual...just emotional. It's hard for me to get this...when everyone thinks he's such a great guy and the 'nice guy' is what has caused me to think during the bad stuff..."oh this is not who he REALLY is"...one, because I can't believe a person can only be this "bad" self...and two, because I loved him. So much. I would've done anything to make it work. And to think I was in a no-win situation, crafted by him, for him, for as long as it was useful to Him, is just ahhhh!! Surreal is the only word I can come up with at the moment. Back and forth, 'trying' hoping, it's like I put everything in him...it's all I saw, even when looking somewhere else.

How can someone get joy out of piecing apart Tearing apart? Almost like emotionally choking... How can someone get food/energy from that?? That destructiveness kills and destroys...darkness is right. I thought it was my own special qualities that drew him to me...that he knew my specialness. To him, I guess it's a dime a dozen, and all that matters is how well he can screw over. Gotta say it again, hate that someone can do this.

#2 Dec 29 - 8PM

susnebraska

Understand

To a good-hearted, kind person like you, it's impossible to comprehend someone you loved so much - as sinister. Devalue and discard. I look a long leave of absence to get over the NARC's abuse and the pain it caused me. We were together for 5 years. He discarded me, no closure, he cheated, and I was flabbergasted at the cruelty he exhibited toward me. Oh, I understand how deeply the DISCARD hurts. It's been 5 months since my break up, and whenever he has contacted me it's to threaten and blackmail me, after he used me and didn't follow through on his promises. We had a trade in business. He got my work. And he did not follow through with the trade. Not to mention the fact he cheated on me with an ugly fugly, which makes it easier - that she is sooooooo unattractive. Anyhow, it's still hard. I had nightmares day and night for 3 months straight.Seriously. I dreamt in disturbing metaphors. The psychological damage hurt me bad. Now, from time to time, the nightmares return. Something triggers them, like a call or text, or email from him. Threatening encounter = more nightmares. Naps during the day. Stress. Sadness. Depression and apathy. I blocked him from contacting me. Still, he'll email me from time to time. Threatening me.(I did his website, corporate video, logo, image, etc. and his site got hacked, and he blamed me!) It ain't easy. Yes, it is so hard for the kind-hearted me to comprehend that I meant ZERO to him. Zero. He did not love me. He used me. He is a bully. Still, no one can take away the fact that I did love him...or the illusion of what he could have been - which he was not. It's natural and normal to try to analyze why, why, why. You see...Emotional vampires aren't worth trying to figure out. They have no soul. They never cared. They used you for sex, or whatever. Move on. Move on. NC makes it easier to heal. Block him from all media sources that enabled him to hoover. You will be strong again. One day at a time. No one said it would be easy. In fact, it is so hard. You've been damaged emotionally. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Give it some time. Go on dates. But when you do, you may be dissatisfied with dating and the quality of men you find - for a while. All the screwy men out there. There are many. Don't fret. Just do your own thing, with your child, your girlfriends, for yourself. Don't think nice thoughts of your EX NARC, either. DON'T. He's a loser. A user. HE NEVER LOVED YOU. Remember how unhappy you were with the loser? You walked on eggshells. Held up the fort alone. Were emotionally wiped out.Self esteem - you were robbed. NEVER forget how badly he treated you. Never forget. When you're ready, and give it's some time, like perhaps half a year, or more, you'll find someone that treats you right. If you don't, don't fall for the nearest guy who gives you attention. Just wait. You want to be happy and find someone that balances you in a positive way. WAIT. Promise yourself...No more anxiety-causing men. I am still dealing with the fall out nearly every day.Some days are worse than others. But with 5 months since our breakup, I am doing a lot better. No longer on the leave of absence. Getting myself strong. One day at a time. Sunshine is near. I have faith and hope. No, no, no. That NARC can not win.He can no longer rob me of happiness. I am good. I will find someone equally as great! Please read this: Empowerment...comes..to us. Hold head up high. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/12/29/empowered-other-woman-encounter#comment-180869

#3 Dec 30 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

faith_

Thank you for your post,

Thank you for your post, susnebraska.. "Don't think nice thoughts of your EX NARC, either. DON'T. He's a loser. A user. HE NEVER LOVED YOU. Remember how unhappy you were with the loser? You walked on eggshells. Held up the fort alone. Were emotionally wiped out.Self esteem - you were robbed." Yes, one of my struggles is not thinking nice thoughts of ex. Yes, it was anxiety, hoping, eggshells, pain...confused pain. I Felt hopeless and no answers. Circles. Pain. Trying to figure it out but never getting there. Analysing his every word but never getting there. I guess I just kept pushing the reset button when he'd hoover, and just have voluntary amnesia in order to bypass the pain and have what I most desperately wanted--him. Only the resentment and scars and pain never went away, just compounded. And his understanding, sorry (true sorry in action, not the stupid ones he'd say)...never came. The past was never erased with an wonderful future. It was just more craftily repeated by him, only I had MORE pain and More despair, as he'd get more skillful at it, AND, I would come crumbling down after ANOTHER trying to build myself up after the previous hoover. So it was like my resources inside were dwindling too...since I had given up my fortress to him again (which I had spent so much time trying to build after the breakup before that). ah, we all know how easy it is to go on and on. "NEVER forget how badly he treated you. Never forget." You're right. It's funny, time and NC sometimes makes you forget. It's that fine line of never forgetting and moving on. Thank you for the advice...it sounds like what one of my girlfriends was just saying...about waiting to find someone that balances me in a positive way. "Promise yourself...No more anxiety-causing men." Yes, I'm trying to internalize this promise. It takes so much awareness, introspection, work etc...yet I want to learn healthy ways.

#4 Dec 29 - 5PM

onwithmylife

Faith

here is a perfect example of how much i meant to the exnarc,we were together for 15 years, saw him through a major operation and some minor ones as well, was always there for him, drove hours to see him each week on my days off. When I saw him a few months ago in a store, he acted like I never existed to him, could not even talk to me for 5 minutes, said I cheated on him, wrong, he dumped me first and there you have it, called me horrible names, said i was alowlife trolling in bars, on and on, you get the photo, i do not even go to bars! IDIOT MAN

#5 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

faith_

ya, anything to throw you

ya, anything to throw you off. They're the victim, then you're the pathetic one they're supposedly 'pitying', then they're the righteous one...bla blah...he was either leaving me for (wow, now that I'm trying to remember the reasons, they seem even more distant and non-existent...wow, I was totally internalizing the crazy scrambled eggs...cuz at the time I could've written pages on his reasons for the 'current' breakup at the time..yuck)his issues with me, or saying that he's doing it for my own good and cuz he's inadequate. But that was his reason at the moment. After he started hoovering again, he was clearly not thinking of my own good and his inadequacy. Always about them, for them.

#6 Dec 29 - 5PM

Redhead1

In the end, you need to

In the end, you need to validate yourself. My exnarc walked around town being Mr. Niceguy and kept the real asshole self for me and his two kids. That kept me confused for so long. Even though my two kids and his sister tried relentlessly to validate me, it never worked. When I accepted that what I saw and no I was not crazy, I validated myself. It felt awesome. It didnt come easy and honestly it took about a year of NC to come to and stay in my truth. BUT, he could not take my truth away from me again. No one will, especially someone I know is disordered to begin with. Stay strong and xoxo.

#7 Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

faith_

Thanks, Redhead. You're

Thanks, Redhead. You're right, it's so important to be able to validate ourselves, especially after something like this. Yet, something like this can make it hard to do so too. I'm so glad you did the work to come into your truth and that's very encouraging.. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that you can get stronger through something like this. Because I'm so used to being affected by others' opinions that it's hard for me to not pay attention to them, especially when it comes to ex, and the total wrong-ness of it all. And not being able to stop his lies to others, esp. when I'm not in touch with them at all...it's like it's his domain, to do as he wishes, even if it concerns me and I can't make it right. But this experience is forcing me to move on despite that. Despite having no control over what they think about me, even when they're not true and lies. I guess you can't control everything in life, actually very little you can control, just yourself, but working with that, it's my job to be as positive as i can (and I know in the end, that can be everything, having control over myself, and faith in God). And with support like this on these boards, it shows that goodness Can prevail and that their darkness and falsehoods can be triumphed over.

#8 Dec 29 - 4PM

bgirl

I wrote a post saying....'who

I wrote a post saying....'who does this....NO REALLY WHO DOES THIS?' I agree with you....it is by far the hardest thing to process how they can dismantle you a piece at a time....then they walk away and we have to learn to walk again. I really wish you all the best with your journey forward. Big hugs xx

#9 Dec 30 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

faith_

Seriously, bgirl...Who does

Seriously, bgirl...Who does this...not any of the 'who's' you're taught exist in the world or grow up to believe exist...I guess the WHO's that you have to painfully learn about and figure out through your own experience then stumbling hopefully upon sites like this and information, etc...rolling my eyes. Thanks b-girl, yup, leaving you to have to figure out how to pick yourself up...after they've pieced you apart. Yes, like Hunter said, it's like they take you somewhere, with expectations, their actions, their efforts, putting so much effort into it that you don't even doubt for a second that it's true, their supposed 'love' for you...then "slam shut the book on our hearts". don't really have words for this non-humanness now.

#10 Dec 29 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Hunter

Bgirl

And I'll answer the same.. Who does this ?. A Fucking Freak Psychopath... Sorry but for some reason that triggered me.. They drag you into a Story then slam shut the book on our hearts.. so there is no Happy Ending.. Well... I take that back.. We eventually do find happiness ,they die alone.. Hunter

#11 Dec 29 - 4PM

Melba

Your special qualities

are what drew him to you, but not in the way we think. Their purpose seems to be to try and destroy and rob those qualities. We cannot even comprehend their purposeful plans because they are so disturbed. Its awful to stand by and see other people/friends duped by him and think he's such a nice guy, when he's the opposite. Not everyone will be deceived by him though. Some people may suspect but just keep it to themselves. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much. You are a very strong woman. :)

#12 Dec 30 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

faith_

Thanks, Melba. I know I must

Thanks, Melba. I know I must focus on myself and move in healthy ways, and not invest myself so much in 'their' opinion and such...huggs.

#13 Dec 29 - 2PM

Hunter

You are special .. And worth

You are special .. And worth a HELL of a lot more ..then to be abused by this Asshole.. You get it ...You're processing it.. This is the begining of the end to this Chapter in your life.. These words show strength and progress.. Hunter

#14 Dec 29 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

faith_

Thanks Hunter. You're so

Thanks Hunter. You're so sweet. I woke up this morning with that sentence in my head..."so for five plus years it was manipulation"? It wasn't a burning question...it was just something my mind came up with and I was trying to grasp the reality of it, in my whole being, if that makes sense...we go through So many stages, doubt, confusion, pain, etc...that knowing something and KNOWING something are different...so I guess here's to Really KNOWING and the gentleness of integrating that in our system. the 'shock' of realizing it can be much somtimes, that's why I believe these boards and the moderators and the people here are a Godsend.

#15 Dec 29 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

spinning

Faith, this is so right on...

...Knowing something and KNOWING (owning it) something are two different things. I am still working on OWNING all of what I know. I do find that truly KNOWING (OWNING IT) is so empowering. Things click and there's one more step forward. You are doing the work and it is so obvious. You will be free and happy, I just know it! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND STRIVING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL SPIN OVER THESE DISORDERED INDIVIDUALS.

spinning

#16 Dec 30 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

faith_

Thanks, Spinning...there's so

Thanks, Spinning...there's so many stages. Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting anywhere, or just going in circles...but I'm reading and asking and hoping that someday I will be completely free of the inner prison these people create in the other.

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