Just realized Mom is a Narc

I wish I'd read about Narcissism like twenty years ago. I can't believe it, but learning what NPD is, now I know my mum definitely has the traits. She is not a psychopath, as far as I can tell, lol, (are all Narcs psychopaths?) She does however fit the shoe pretty darn well! I can't believe it. Now I understand why everything has always been about her. Everything -- always.

I feel guilty for saying it. Like I'm calling her, and I do love her, a bad name. She cares for me. I know it hurts her if I hurt, so she does everything she can to not listen or hear me when I begin to speak about hurting and I mean any kind of hurting, like my finger I recently cut. She just changes the subject. Been doing it my whole life.

If I say hey, you know it did kind of bother me that I was abused as a child, and in several ways. It did kind of bother me when I found her in a room full of blood when I was eight -- but woe to me if I mention the past in front of my family.

She can only respond to me with, "I guess I did everything wrong," or "I guess I'm a terrible parent," or the most used response, "I just won't say anything to anyone anymore b/c I just say all the wrong things."

She never ever says things like, "Things will work out," or God forbid she would ever say she is sorry for what I saw and went through. Instead, she will tell me a story about someone either on TV or in the family who endured "worse things than (I) did."

I told her what happened to me while she was in hospitals. She asked rudely, Why didn't you tell then? I did! Nobody listened nor cared! Same as now.

Right now, I'm being punished for having been so depressed a week ago that I didn't call her for two days. I needed a break. God knows she has taken enough of her own kind of breaks. How many times have I had to bust her door open to save her life? Many! How many times has she nearly died from her own hands? Many! But my sis's and bro, and mum, well, none of these events occurred in their minds. They all re-write history, as in two hours ago.

So, since the two days when I didn't talk to anyone, much less her, I get punished. When we speak, every time I start a sentence she interrupts and changes the subject. Several times she has handed the phone over to a cousin I don't even like. He is a flat out 100% Narc and is in the process of ruining his son. Apparently narcissism runs in my family!

She is aloof, and several times hung up without even saying bye, much less our usual "I love you." I told her the other day I was in pain. Nothing. Zilch. No response. Changed the subject and then she said, Have a nice day.

She can be the cruelest most cold-hearted person. Once I lived in the mountains, 4 hours from her home. I was coming to visit but she had cut off her phone service as a way to punish her children and sisters. I had an asma (sp?)attack and had to go to the ER. I had no way to call and let her know. I called her sis and asked if she would drive over and tell my mom, all of four miles. Yes, I was told but she didn't.

After they treated me at the ER I called one of my sisters and ask if she could go tell her that I could not make the trip. She did, late that night, and I was punished for years. "I had to throw away all that good food," she'd say, and she would list the items she'd cooked and tell how she threw it all out the back door for the dogs.

I say but I was in the hospital. Nothing. No response. Only, "Well you sure wasted a lot of food and I cooked for days." Never once has she asked about that ER visit or my lungs.

Sometimes, she throws all of her meds away, BP meds and things. Tells me "that will serve you right for threatening to dial 911." She has told me if I dial 911 she will "stab herself before they make it inside." She has told me that I will pay dearly and forever if I ever dial 911 on her, even if she is near death and I can't count the number of times in my life I've found her in this condition.

So, I'm in therapy. I'm a bit shocked. It does help explain though, most of my life -- in regards to my family.

Well, I have written now. I'll probably feel guilty for it.

Thanks again to everyone here for the space to share.

TexN's picture

You didn't ask for that life...Thanks for sharing.
quietude's picture

Not a fun thing to discover, welcome to the crappy club. But at least now you know, and things add up. This is the relief you get, unfortunately, it won't come from them. To make a long story short, I had a big argument with my mom in my 30's. She demanded to know why I wasn't opening up to her. I learned to keep stuff to myself ~ I told her that we don't have that kind of relationship??? She was not happy. Oh well...she fell ill shortly after, I waited on her hand and foot despite the fact that she was giving me the "I hate you looks", and the silent treatment. Sure, I'll open up to a non-empathetic person! Only recently, after being engaged to an N, I figured out my mom was one. Yours sounds really overtly abusive, to say the least. I scratch my head, because as a mother, I can't figure out HOW someone can treat their child so poorly?? But that's me trying to apply logic, which never works when you're talking about an N.
Healingnow's picture

Hi, I say stop saving your mum, save yourself and don't feel guilty. Let her do whatever she feels she has to do it's her life and she is an adult. To control you in that way has obviously worked for her in the past. She can find help if she wants to. You have suffered abuse and need help for that. The worst thing anyone can do is to push down those feelings cos they only emerge at some point later on.
Barbara's picture

I have to agree with HealingNow - STOP SAVING YOUR MOM she does NOT love you - she can't she's using you stop stop stop http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/18/adult-children-narcissists ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Big hug to you, calamity-g. I agree with PP that this is something you should definitely talk to with a very qualified therapist who can help you walk through all of this and sort it out. How it impacted you, what false lessons you learned from all of this madness, etc. I'm just so sorry you had to endure this sort of treatment from your family and were silenced for so long.
masquerades's picture

Hi calamity-g, I really don’t know what to say. I read a lot of pain, a long and complex history, and shock and horror in your post. This really does need professional evaluation, I think. I daren’t say anything more – giving advice or even my opinion would be tantamount to downright dangerous! I can only offer you a listening ear – know that your post has been read, and you have my support 100%. And try not feel guilty for writing what you feel. I am sure that Barbara will offer a far more helpful and better-informed response. Hugs masquerades
calamity-g's picture

Hi masquerades, Thanks for such a warm comment. Honestly, when I read it, and the others too, I thought what horror? What shock? I guess that says a lot about me being "desensitized to negative behavior," as my therapist recently suggested. But it is horrible. It's just hard for me to have the empathy for myself as I guess I would someone else who wrote the same thing. Thank you again. Hugs to you too. ~~~~~~~~ My Blog

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Barbara's picture

there will be a lot of hard to fathom revelations now that you know this... but I had an NMother and I will tell you that once you've dealt with the initial shock, many things in your life will start to make sense. As you know, while we talk about NParents here from time to time, this forum isn't really equipped for this sort of support. I STRONGLY recommend you join the email group below: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits/ they can help you. and get and read CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED by Nina Brown when you can. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
calamity-g's picture

Wow, I really do appreciate you all responding to me with such compassion. Barbara, thanks for the link. I saw it the other day. I guess I wanted to share here first. But I am going to check it out. I don't think I'll ever be able to break all communications with my mom. I will do the best I can to learn skills and coping techniques. I've learned some by default but that was without understanding the process that was happening. I am working hard at doing some things for myself, and honestly, between my son and my mother, well, I've got my work cut out for me. It is sad, and kind of all crazy making to have everyone I love be detached and even, abusive or unkind. Thanks for letting me share that. I did feel guilty but not so much now.~~~~~~~~ My Blog

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Barbara's picture

the people on that support list can help you chill with her... give you some coping ideas and remember - NEVER LOVE SOMETHING THAT IS INCAPABLE OF LOVING YOU BACK ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims