I wish I'd read about Narcissism like twenty years ago. I can't believe it, but learning what NPD is, now I know my mum definitely has the traits. She is not a psychopath, as far as I can tell, lol, (are all Narcs psychopaths?) She does however fit the shoe pretty darn well! I can't believe it. Now I understand why everything has always been about her. Everything -- always.
I feel guilty for saying it. Like I'm calling her, and I do love her, a bad name. She cares for me. I know it hurts her if I hurt, so she does everything she can to not listen or hear me when I begin to speak about hurting and I mean any kind of hurting, like my finger I recently cut. She just changes the subject. Been doing it my whole life.
If I say hey, you know it did kind of bother me that I was abused as a child, and in several ways. It did kind of bother me when I found her in a room full of blood when I was eight -- but woe to me if I mention the past in front of my family.
She can only respond to me with, "I guess I did everything wrong," or "I guess I'm a terrible parent," or the most used response, "I just won't say anything to anyone anymore b/c I just say all the wrong things."
She never ever says things like, "Things will work out," or God forbid she would ever say she is sorry for what I saw and went through. Instead, she will tell me a story about someone either on TV or in the family who endured "worse things than (I) did."
I told her what happened to me while she was in hospitals. She asked rudely, Why didn't you tell then? I did! Nobody listened nor cared! Same as now.
Right now, I'm being punished for having been so depressed a week ago that I didn't call her for two days. I needed a break. God knows she has taken enough of her own kind of breaks. How many times have I had to bust her door open to save her life? Many! How many times has she nearly died from her own hands? Many! But my sis's and bro, and mum, well, none of these events occurred in their minds. They all re-write history, as in two hours ago.
So, since the two days when I didn't talk to anyone, much less her, I get punished. When we speak, every time I start a sentence she interrupts and changes the subject. Several times she has handed the phone over to a cousin I don't even like. He is a flat out 100% Narc and is in the process of ruining his son. Apparently narcissism runs in my family!
She is aloof, and several times hung up without even saying bye, much less our usual "I love you." I told her the other day I was in pain. Nothing. Zilch. No response. Changed the subject and then she said, Have a nice day.
She can be the cruelest most cold-hearted person. Once I lived in the mountains, 4 hours from her home. I was coming to visit but she had cut off her phone service as a way to punish her children and sisters. I had an asma (sp?)attack and had to go to the ER. I had no way to call and let her know. I called her sis and asked if she would drive over and tell my mom, all of four miles. Yes, I was told but she didn't.
After they treated me at the ER I called one of my sisters and ask if she could go tell her that I could not make the trip. She did, late that night, and I was punished for years. "I had to throw away all that good food," she'd say, and she would list the items she'd cooked and tell how she threw it all out the back door for the dogs.
I say but I was in the hospital. Nothing. No response. Only, "Well you sure wasted a lot of food and I cooked for days." Never once has she asked about that ER visit or my lungs.
Sometimes, she throws all of her meds away, BP meds and things. Tells me "that will serve you right for threatening to dial 911." She has told me if I dial 911 she will "stab herself before they make it inside." She has told me that I will pay dearly and forever if I ever dial 911 on her, even if she is near death and I can't count the number of times in my life I've found her in this condition.
So, I'm in therapy. I'm a bit shocked. It does help explain though, most of my life -- in regards to my family.
Well, I have written now. I'll probably feel guilty for it.
Thanks again to everyone here for the space to share.