Just had a little cry :-(

Just needed to come on here and reach out to you guys, ive had a one to one with goldie, joined the gym, been trying to keep busy every day, focusing on my babies and getting some structure, routine and bounderies in my home....As since the N left my babies have been pushing the bounderies. Ive been meditating and writing all the good/bad points of the N in my journal to keep me focused. I havent been whinging to everyone who will listen about him, or having a pitty party since last time i posted on here about how much i was struggling. Ive also managed 25 days of LC apart from one message which said how exhausted i felt, and tried really really hard to ignore his abusive messages which have calmed down touch wood.

But yday my grandad died, he been so poorly with cancer and struggling to survive all through the christmas holidays, i understand he was miserable and ill and nothing anyone could do for him, its just so hard, coz no matter how hard you try and prepare for someone to die u cant can u..... I just feel so sad for my nana they been together 54 years and now hes gone. :-(

Which leads me back to the N, ive been desperate to reach out to him, for a cuddle i know he was rubbish with emotional stuff anyway but just a cuddle is all i need... Then out the blue he trys ringing me, obviously i dont answer, he then rings my mum as she is looking after my boy today while i do some studying, he asks her if he can have our boy extra today as he isnt working and says he cannot get hold of me, obviously my mum then tells him about my grandad because hes just now tx'd saying how sorry he is to hear about it, and he knows i dont want to talk to him but if i need him he there for me.....which has just made me cry and come straight on here so i dont reply. I understand he doesnt care, but its so hard when you love someone so much and just need a cuddle.

Im not going to respond to his message. Just needed to get this out, Ive got to be strong, Its so much easier when he txs abuse or how much of an idiot i am or how im cutting him out of his boys life and all the rest but when he is being nice i just wanna reach out. Any way thanks for listening, hope everyone is being strong today xxxx