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just blue

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#1 Jul 7 - 11PM
better off
better off's picture

just blue

Just feeling blue...a lot of triggers this week. I miss my ex pretty badly right now. Feel like curling up and crying...but there's that NH in my bed.

We watched The Burning Bed the other night, and he made several comments about how awful Farrah's husband was...and he was so glad she got off in the end. I couldn't finish watching it because I was having flashbacks to being stalked when in college. He of course kept watching. Then we went to bed and I told him the movie brought back a lot of bad memories...he kept his back to me and gave out an annoyed sigh. Like an idiot, I said, could you hold me?

He just ignored me. Tears started welling up...and then a few minutes later he said...Why? He's such a jerk. I said just for comfort! So he halfheartedly put his arm around me. It was worse than being ignored. I said I can see I'm putting you out...and went over to my side of the bed. He says, all innocently, are you mad about something? I didn't say anything and then he says in his martyr voice, well that isn't unusual.

Yes..after all that, he was the victim.

A couple days later and he's all hugs and "I love you, I love you..."

I'm just tired.

Jul 8 - 1AM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

A typical N. Unbelievable.

A typical N. Unbelievable. No clue. No empathy. I feel for you because I understand what it feels like to be upset watching a movie and then the N continuing to watch. They don't get it. Idiots. I feel badly for you b/c you are still in the relationship. Getting out is HARD....very hard. But in the long run you save your sanity and your dignity. You deserve so much more. Every human being does. Amazing how they turn the blame around and become the martyrs. There's no excuse for them. I just want to give you a big hug. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 8 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

better off

Is the cost to your mental, spiritual and physical health worth it? I doubt it. Here's that article for you: http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/09/illusion-of-management.html and more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8o_19M0J2wI&feature=player_embedded http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/08/decision-time.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/intense-attachments.html http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/01/no-contact-because-their-evil-is.html http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2007/10/dancing-with-devil.html You know what I tell people? That once you KNOW what they are - you MUST do something to get away. And that if you don't, then you have no right to complain when they treat you like crap. Sorry to be harsh - but you know what you need to do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 8 - 12AM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Well, here's a HUG for ya!

One thing that has Supremely Frustrated me about N's is their lack of empathy. I swear, the only reason I even KNOW about N's is because I googled: "Lack of empathy". Guess what came up? Yup, mind boggling information about NARCISSISM. (and THIS BLESSED website!) They cannot, won't, refuse and detest any amount of compassion for ANYONE. I'm so sorry you're dealing with the NH. I have SO been there and DONE THAT. Both my ex-husbands were horrible narcissists. The hurtful and wounding thing was how calous they acted whenever I needed comforting. It hurt so badly that I felt sick to my stomach. They turn your normal emotional reaction to things around and make you look like you're a freak. You aren't. You're NORMAL. THEY'RE the freaks! Hugs, neveragain
Jul 8 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

thanks...I once tried to

thanks...I once tried to discuss the compassion thing with my H...and he truly could not grasp the meaning of what I was talking about. Recently I had false hope when he agreed to read the book Love Without Hurt by Steven Stosny. It's pretty good and talks about failure of compassion...the second half is written to men. He seemed to genuinely respond to it, but it was temporary, and he has since refused to look at it again. Yet he will continually say things like he wishes he knew what would make me happy, etc. That he just doesn't get what the problem is. He acts very put upon that I am ever unhappy. And of course, we all know WHOSE fault everything is, right? One of the articles I particularly remember here is "the Illusion of Management" and that's all it ever feels like anyway, that I'm just trying to "manage."
Jul 7 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

better off

PLEASE say you are planning on getting out. This can NOT be good for you at all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 8 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

guess I have to face

guess I have to face that...this living with someone with two personalities is going to drive me over the edge. Reading sassyredhead's story about the crazy argument where he kept blaming her for picking a fight...ugh, I live that all the time. It's just very overwhelming to think about the alternative as well. I need to go back and see my therapist. It's been a while. I was doing really well, but I seem to be sliding backwards at the moment.
Jul 8 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Protect Yourself

It may be time to realize that no matter what you do or say, it will not have any affect on him. He will only pay attention to things you say and do in a negative, attacking way. He is looking for a fight and you're his supply. Try being robotic and boring. Try (acting!) like nothing he says or does is affecting you. Have a non-plussed attitude about him. Don't be affected in any way about what he's doing or what he's saying and how he's acting. It does take effort to act like a robot, but it's effective and worth it. You can't have any emotions showing....otherwise, he'll attack you for them. Just have a vacant, slight smile on your face like you're drugged with a mild sedative. (I trained my face to have that look so that my N couldn't find fault with me). It's time to start educating yourself, going to therapy, talking to friends and family that are SUPPORTIVE, loggin on here and making plans for getting away from this. You have the ability to leave....you are just really tired right now. It takes a lot of energy to live this way so I suggest using that energy to act like he doesn't bother you while you make plans to escape. I hope you will seriously consider getting out. The sooner, the better. If you delay or doubt, just remember how mean and hurtful his behavious is. Don't Diminish It!! You count. You matter. You have the right to the pursuit of happiness. HEY, isn't that in the Consitution of the United States? Yes, you can have peace and health. Please don't give up or give into him. You may have to ACT like you are going along but this is only while you're making plans to leave....but it's about time we use ACTING to get what WE want....they used ACTING to con us into believing their crap! Hugs, neveragain