Just being honest

Hi...so I made it 3 months NC but was majorly struggling with depression. It's so hard to explain it to others who don't understand NPD and the effect that they have on us but I was sinking fast. This forum helped me get 3 months under my belt, along with some some amazing friends I have made here. Unfortunately, I felt lost, scared and confused without him. I felt like I hardly can be me without him which I recognize is really codependent. So much of my personality changed when he entered my world--suddenly I felt alive and filled with passion and vivaciousness. Without him, despite his cruel behavior, I became a shell of myself. It was really difficult to find any motivation and everyday felt like a struggle. I knew I needed either antidepressants or to reconnect with him to feel better. I go for therapy and it helps to a degree. I broke NC after three months, knowing fully that contact=pain. He has been responsive but is really uninterested in me and it's obvious he could care less if I contacted him or not. For me, the grief is extra complicated bc it triggers other losses in my life and is causing me additional emotional pain. This is not an excuse for breaking NC. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I'm now coping with how uninterested he is in me, which is also painful. I think I need antidepressants to cope with all of this.
I know that all of you have struggled with feeling depressed with the loss. I just can't seem to get myself past three months NC. This is the second time I broke it at the three month mark. I need strength and to figure out how to live w/o him. CD & this trauma bond are absolutely brutal for me.