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I've reached the bottom

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#1 Nov 6 - 2AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I've reached the bottom

I really dont even know how I can describe what Im feeling today. last weekend he embarrassed and raged at me, and this week I thought I could manage it and get myself into a better place for awhile, but this morning he got me in a corner about HIS money which is what hes obsessed with. I hate him I detest him actually, there I said it!!! When I think of all the things Ive accomplished in my life, the hardships I have overcome, the children I raised, to hear this coward tell me that Ive never achieved anything and that He is such a hero, makes me want to vomit. He has broken ever promise he ever made, he gloats to me that he has his family near him and I dont because he made better choices than me. Selfish bastard.
It was hard for me to understand that someone could enjoy watching someone they love writhing in pain, but he does.
He continually undermines me and sets me up to fail in our relationship so that he can maintain control. The cruelty!! Im broken and sobbing again because I have a tax bill to meet by the 8th and hes randomly drawn the money I needed for that, just because he could, He knew my need. I must meet that deadline! He loves the power it gives him to scream at me "why is it always my money we are discussing!" He plays his mind games and when I get so frustrated hes finally happy, he can then walk around with a smirk at me sobbing.

I don't know how to tell my adult children this but this man is a monster. I understand how a woman can be reduced to swallowing rat-poison or to end her life. Last night I watched a TV documentary on how men murdered their wives because they wanted money or freedom to remarry. In one case he murdered three wives over 20 years and got away with it three times in the USA.
I need to come back to the spiritual relationship I had with my maker before this human impostor entered my life.
I despise him! and this board is the only place I have to deal with this. I live in a foreign culture, *although I speak their language, Im away from my roots, and have no money for a therapist. I hate what this soul robber has reduced me to.
Thank you for listening I feel like a piece of shit on the bottom of someones shoe.

Nov 7 - 6AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dear, this pain is not

Dear, this pain is not without a reason. You MUST remember it. Learn the lesson. Now you KNOW for sure that you will not receive one ounce of help from this man. All you will receive will be pain and grief and humiliation. Learn the lesson. You must never ask him anything again-never. Your chin must be up. It will be up when you decide it. Collect yourself and face the truth. face the financial ruin, if it has to be. It is another lesson. From now on, your finances, no matter how little they will be, must be and stay in your own hands only. Noone ever will touch your finances again. face your children, face the financial ruin, face the reality. Collect yourself, find a job, prepare a speech for your family, prepare a debt paying plan. Prepare yourself in silence and strength. This humiliation, no more, fooled no longer. No more. Go out. Take your dignity with you. face reality and face your mistakes-the mistake of being with this man. Noone says it will be easy. But there is no other choice. DO NOT LET HIM WIN.
Nov 6 - 8PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

foolednolonger

I'm sorry I just saw your post; I've been working so much and have only stopped by for a minute a couple of times. Gosh, I know how you feel and I feel so deeply for you. My judge, multi millionaire narc made fun of me because my ex husband set a fire at our church during a bipolar episode before he was diagnosed. My ex is a very loving, nice, sincere person, but he has a lot of problems. He and the narc even really liked each other and talked at the coffee shop each morning. But when it was convenient, the narc used what he did against me to make me feel like it was my fault that a person set a fire. "ha. ha," he used to say. "You make all men crazy." And I used to say, "No, I let all men be crazy."
Nov 6 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Foolednolonger

I think you need to just TELL your family what's going on and get on a plane and GO HOME, honey :(
Nov 7 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

for Briseis in respose to your comment

I think you know my story you have commented on it. Do you have children? I sleep at night and my children sleep at night because they believe I'm safe looked after and loved. in the past I thought that too, I discovered this year it was a big fat lie. I need to be here to work and earn money. I run my own company, which would be 20 times easier if I wasn't dragging this bag of evil behind me and being sabotaged all the time. This man just bought his son (21) a brand new sports car with our savings, right now I have no money to eat till i get my next payment!!! My son has diabetes, he got it when he was 18, he has to inject insulin 4 times a day. I help him with his medical aid. He needs this to survive. I promised to help him go through chefs school this year. Thats why I work so hard here as I can send the money home. My childrens dreams are what is keeping me alive. My daughter is writing her end of year finals at university this month, telling them this now will turn their world upside down. Im not that selfish. I would love to just get on a plane leave this bastard behind and start from the bottom again I have the courage. But Im awaiting residence here Ive fought long and hard for it. It will enable me to set up alone here in Europe and start again. without it I will be sent home broken with no money, no job , no parents they both died 10 years back, and I will not be able to help my children. Its not an easy choice. If it was so easy to tell people (my children) and explain the secret sinister treatment one gets from a narc we would not all be on this board. Normal people cant give us advice here they will think that we are crazy and hes a saint. My heart is broken, over and over as I watch him glare at me with those black empty eyes filled with hatred as I collapse in pain sobbing. I know you understand. Please dont judge me. I will find a way, I opened a bank account in my name today. I will have better days, right now its a nightmare im fighting for breath.
Nov 7 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

foolednolonger

I have read your story, and was thinking very much about what you believe your children and family back home understand. Cutting and running is a very last resort, I understand this. Then you must do EVERYTHING in your power to cut HIM off of you from where you are at. Let's all speak in honest truths, here. At this point, what your children and family back home know about him is a full out LIE. And someday, honey, THEY WILL KNOW IT. The only reason they'll never find out is if you die before you get away from him. Right now, you are so focused on survival that you are not seeing long term in your life. This is ALL going to come out in the wash, eventually. Do you see that? I suspect that your children and family back home will be more ANGRY and HURT that you did not reach out for help when you needed it, and will not give a single shit about your attempts to "protect" them. I suspect that what keeps you from reaching out to friends for help in your life is all a big nasty fantasy in your head. One that I myself had, Foolednolonger. I was completely isolated from my family during the worst and the end of my N relationship. I speak from direct experience here. When I finally realized I had no choice but to tell them, they were dismayed that I did not TRUST them to help me. That's how they felt. I said "I was protecting YOU" and that was complete bullshit to them. They were hurt. They felt a bit insulted, too. I'm just saying these things to tell you that you are locking yourself into your situation with beliefs about your family that they themselves will not have. If you liberate yourself from this IMPOSSIBLE lie you've had on life support, it will free up amazing amounts of energy inside you to do what you need to do. Getting your own bank account is absolutely excellent. Keep going. You can't sneak out of this relationship, honey. You're going to have to get real HELP and stand up and act with power. As long as you keep up this enormous lie, your strength will be drained. Give your children and family the RESPECT they deserve, by coming clean with them. So that you CAN help them, instead of having all your money go to the Narc and his latest impulses.
Nov 6 - 6AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm so Sorry

You are having a hard time. The only thing I can say is that in time, things will get better. I still have ups and downs but since going NC it really has gotten a lot better for me emotionally. I do still get these pangs of anger and resentment, but they are much better *for me to feel instead of heart wrenching pain which I remember quite well. I hope you feel better soon and can get to NC. All the best.
Nov 6 - 5AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

what a monster this man is .

what a monster this man is . Could there be anything more evil than smiking when someone is sobbing ? I think you know what you have to do and its just a case of getting the practicalitys together . You need support and that could come from youre adult children and i imagin they are only a phone call away . There is nothing to be ashamed of in reaching out and telling someone about abuse , in my case i remember the first time i told someone how i was feeling about the narc and it kind of set the ball in motion of me leaving . Lord know i lived in denial for a long time with my narc , i thought i could fix him , love him better but the more i tryed the more abuse was heaped on me . Its strange how we all have our breaking points , mine was over something very small , i had driven his sad arse to Nottingham and back .. a long way ..so he could go to a confrence that i had no intrest in so i hung around all day wating for him and then on the way back home i asked if he could buy me a coke and he said "no i dont have any money " .. and that was it for me something inside just snapped , i almost felt a pysical shift in me , i havnt spoke to him properly since that day .Big love to you . Stay close to the board at this difficult time and we will see you through .. xx