I've gone backwards

After many months many months trying to find answers and finally reaching some kind of acceptance I have fallen into a hole again. A friend has been in my ear about me being impatient and that he had complications with his work and that is why he ignored me because he felt like I deserved better and he could not provide that at that point in time.
There were things that did make me think that he truly meant what he said.
Like a video that I made for him. No one else had access to it and the stats told me that someone watched it, every day. And my website. He visited it every day also.
Why..?
He did not know that I knew these things I'm sure
but upfront it seemed to me like he did not care, in front of other people, ignoring me.
And so now I am back to seeing those things and self blaming.
I have been going so well and I do not want to go back to that dark place in my mind ever again
The questioning the ifs and buts and maybes
and especially the false hope.
But listening to my friend tell me that he did care about me and that is why he kept his distance until he worked out his issues..
That is possible.
But after throwing him out of my life and accusing him of being a narc egotist whatever
it does not explain the eight months of complete ST.
And the nastiness that I'm sure he purposely did to hurt me.
I guess that I am hoping others will tell me that my friend is wrong
and that his complicated life was just an excuse a cover up
for his ulterior motives.
I am trying to rid my mind of these thoughts
but they are like a shadow that won't go away
until I deal with them