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It's all about control for me too...

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#1 Nov 18 - 10PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

It's all about control for me too...

It took Mr. N's distancing for me to come to understand that I too have control issues. I have been playing this control dance with Mr. N for a while. As long as things were smooth, as long as things were good, I felt in control. The moment he would start to distance, the moment he would start to pull away, the moment he would not reply...I felt at a loss. My world would spin out of control and I would feel that desperate need to bring it back into control. I wanted to hear things that made things right, that made things ok...I wanted to control the outcome...I wanted to control Mr. N. The problem is..you cannot control another human being and you certainly cannot control a controlling Narc.

Thus tonight I went to the adoption event on the verge of tears...feeling that I had failed...thinking of all the "what if" scenarios that would have led to a different outcome. As if punishing myself would ultimately change the reality. I have cried on and off...wishing to will Mr. N to release his request for no contact just so I could apologize. But apologize for what? For being away for a week and not taking my phone with me? For not answering his booty call text when he specifically requested that I not text him back? For having a life outside of being Mr. N's convenient sex doll? I feel unable to move forward...I feel stuck in a past where things appeared to make sense (even though they did not). At least, I would say to myself, I had this great looking guy who wanted pieces of me every so often. Now...I have nothing except a passive/aggressive text and a fear that I have let him down and can never make it right.

Nov 20 - 8AM
wannaletgo22
wannaletgo22's picture

TRN1

I relate and totally agree with you. I think for me, the control came into play later on in the relationship. Once I realized that something wasn't quite right and my needs weren't going to get met, well then I started to play by his rules in a way, trying every tactic I could to win him back and fix things. It didn't work, of course. Lol. Great post, thanks.
Nov 19 - 11AM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

totally relate

I only get a text about the weather though if I still try to communicate with him...he cannot face what he did and I am crazy if I expect more than "how r u doing?" or "how is the weather". I confess I told him I might move to observe his reaction. I got a text back instantly after 4 months of silence so I guess I am manipulating and trying to force contact still. WHy????
Nov 19 - 7AM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

I agree with others here, and

I agree with others here, and we all know how it feels: you want a good, loving relationship. But no matter how hard you "try," you are teased: moments of feeling appreciated/loved, and hours/days of feeling let down/neglected/rejected. It is human and normal to react in a negative way to that kind of torment. The N sees it and uses it as ammunition against you - as is every little thing you do. You are to be congratulated for 4 months NC, and who am I to talk at 4 1/2 months NC, but it does get easier!
Nov 19 - 7AM
Winter
Winter's picture

I can relate, but...

I don't totally agree with you. I do not think it is about control. It is about your needs which have to be met in a relationship in order for you to feel comfortable. The way you describe your needs, they have nothing extraordinary, just normal human basic needs. This is exactly why almost everyone wrote they feel the same. Now, if when "things were smooth" you would want to make something, so that he "proves" you his love, that would be the control. Ex.: In the middle of nowhere you would strat ignoring him just to see how crazy he is about you. That would be control issue. Again, what you have described sounds more like normal needs and boundaries. You felt your boundaries to be crossed. It is normal to feel bad and out of control. This is the way our psyche communicate to us: "look, I am in danger, please do something to protect me"
Nov 19 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Layla
Layla's picture

COMPLETELY agree with Winter on this!!!!!

If you have not gone through life trying to control other's, and only find that THIS relationship you were "controlling", then something is not right in Denmark....you were not controlling, you were trying to get your needs met. This happened to me too.....I was trying to make things "right" and better all the time......that is not controlling, that is trying to make something sane out of a crazy relationshit. love~ Layla
Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #6)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Hey Winter...sure...it's

Hey Winter...sure...it's normal needs...but for me, when things start to go heywire, my perspective goes into a protective, "I must fix this" mode. Fight or flight goes into gear and yes, I want to figure out how I can influence the outcome so that he doesn't hate me. Gosh, I wish I had just sent him a text message letting him know I was going to be out of the country.
Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
Winter
Winter's picture

I uderstand

I am like that too myself. But we learn, we need to learn to make the difference and to know when it worst trying to fix and when we just need to force ourselves to let it go. A well intentioned and loving person can do something which bothers and hurt you. You can do the same non intentionally. Especially in a long term serious relationship, this is inavoidable. I think trying to fix it through a honest and open communication is a right (even a necessary) thing to do. Then you look at how the person react to it. A normal person will try to accomodate you even if not always succesfully. But at least you can see, he is doing his best. He can also gives you his perspective and try to comfort you. A narc person will use it againts you in the worst case scenario or just plain ignore it (best case sceanario). When we identify this pattern (which is not always easy), we need to abandon the need of trying to fix it. To resign, to accept, to go NC in order to let it go with time. P.S. I know it sounds "easy" in theory, but so difficult to put in practice! It doesn't mean however, we shouldn't try.
Nov 20 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
Redhead
Redhead's picture

Agree

Amen Winter
Nov 19 - 7AM (Reply to #8)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I know..I should be grateful

I know..I should be grateful that Mr. N has ended it because I would not have been able to...but it sucks. I never wanted to hurt him ever. I tried to be so careful and caring and loving and understanding and yet...this happens and I know I can't do anything to change his mind. The injury occurred, I am now under his punishment. I fear him returning, if only to hurt me more. That is the only thing that keeps me from sending him an apology. Gosh I wish I was stronger.
Nov 19 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
Winter
Winter's picture

Feeling versus Acting

Feeling weak and acting weak is different. It is not weak to feel strong emotions, to be sensitive, even extra sensitive. To take things to heart. We cannot really change it. But we have power over our actions. This is what qualifies us as being strong or weak. And it is never late.
Nov 20 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I have spent all day and

I have spent all day and night pondering whether to obey his text to not contact him and just "let it go" or whether to ignore the text and either text or email him that I was out of the country when he tried to contact me (knowing that he was reacting out of a perceived Narcissistic injury). All I want to do is have this end with him knowing that I would never intentionally wound him. I am not looking to recreate his childhood wound and abandon him...but I'm left feeling that I have no true option that will rectify things. My heart feels so heavy at the moment.
Nov 19 - 12AM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

totally agree with your

totally agree with your feelings. that's why i'm in therapy now.
Nov 19 - 12AM
newbegginings
newbegginings's picture

TRN1

Yr story is mine... Yr thougts are mine. My problem is exactly yours, wanting to control, wanting to hear words, when all has gone silent :((
Nov 18 - 11PM
Journey
Journey's picture

TNR1, it's good you see how

TNR1, it's good you see how you wanting to control the outcomes kept you trying, kept you in the game, kept you putting up with the roller coaster of emotions and kept you from saying "ENOUGH"! "Now...I have nothing except a passive/aggressive text and a fear that I have let him down and can never make it right" - this is just another arm of that control you want so desperately to still feel you might have. NOTHING you could have done would have been the 'right' thing. The fear you feel about letting HIM down... what about how HE let YOU down? He is a narc. Please see that having a "great looking guy who wanted pieces of me every so often" is NOT really having ANYTHING worth having at all. You deserve someone who doesn't want only pieces of you, but loves your whole being, all the time! Crumbs are for birds, you deserve a three course meal!! Remember that! It's time to let go of that control you think you've needed - you don't need it. Surrender that control and trust you will be just fine without it. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Nov 18 - 10PM
Victim-no-more
Victim-no-more's picture

Wow. I could have written

Wow. I could have written your post myself. You are not alone. We will recover, i believe that. In the meantime, I feel your pain, and I'm sorry you have been hurt. These people are truly monsters.