Is it possible that we just do not hear what they're saying??

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#1 Apr 6 - 4PM

Veronrose

Is it possible that we just do not hear what they're saying??

In Michele's "All that funky" thread, Dudette posted "Just was not paying attention now was I ?"

I think she made a good point there. I think many times we don't hear what they're saying. Mine told me many times "You're a good woman V, and deserve to be treated like a princess", "I'm too stuck in my ways", "You deserve a good, loving man that will stay the night, the week, the month". He knew he couldn't do any of those things. Why couldn't he have just left me alone then, instead of continuing to dangle the carrot by talking all sweet in the next breath??? I know the answer to that....he knew I adored him and I was a VERY good supply. UGH.
I hung on to his sweet verbiage and ignored the rest. My bad.
Nope, I wasn't paying attention. Maybe they CAN sometimes be honest and forthright, and we just ignore it, hoping for something more out of them????
Going forward, I am DEFINITELY listening to everything a man says, but more importantly, what he DOES.
xo V

#2 Apr 7 - 11PM

jen79

whe should listen to ourselves, not to them

Cause what comes out of their mouth is just word salad. Things they heard somewhere, it applies for today, and doesnt for tomorrow. Today he will say you deserve a good man, and you think oh he warned me, tomorrow he will say I dont want to loose you, you are blahblahblah. It absolutely doesnt make sense at all, and if you try to figure it out, you will go crazy, cause its all just word salad. What we do have to listen to, is our gut, our instinct, our feelings.

#3 Apr 7 - 7PM

narcissizednomore

When someone tells you who they are...believe them

The N once or twice said he had the emotional maturity of an 8 year old and even once admitted his actions were the result of his Jekyl and Hyde personality. Boy, huge red flags I should have believed and ran away right then and there. I processed it as another sympathy ploy and actually thought he was beating himself up so I'd boost him up again and of course it worked! Damn, how could I have been such a fricken enabler???

narcissizednomore

#4 Apr 7 - 8PM (Reply to #17)

Veronrose

"When someone tells you who

"When someone tells you who they are....believe them". NNM, I read that on another site. Not sure if I can mention that site here but the initials are BR. Problem is, it's so easy to love the Jekyl and ignore the Hyde. It was easy for me anyway. xo V

#5 Apr 7 - 4PM

skystar

Yes. Its possible. The use

Yes. Its possible. The use words that we understand or interpret one way when thats not what they meant at all. So the opposite is also plausible. He used to tell me "Thats not the way you should have answered to question" and then proceed to tell me what the answer should have been. Or maybe its the act -- make her believe she's the nut.

#6 Apr 7 - 1PM

Deidre40

Not sure it gets more obvious than this...

He told me when we first started...this song reminded him of us. lol I actually thought this was sexy at the time. But...listen to the lyrics on youtube. It's a fun song...but, listen to the 'I make the good girls bad and the bad girls worse.'

#7 Apr 7 - 1PM

Scoop

Mine use to say on a regular

Mine use to say on a regular basis "we are not right for each other " .. just writing that brings chills to my spine , its like i can hear him say it . But do you also know what he use to say on a regular basis "i love you dont ever leave me " and there is the confusion , of corse i would only want to hear the positive things . His actions where all out too , he couldnt keep his hands off me and i dont mean in a sexual way i mean if we where sitting together he would have his hand on my leg , it we where out walking he would have his arm round me or holding hands and in bed i would have to chuck him off me he held me so tight ... i remember even when i was driving the car he would have his hand stuck to my leg which are not the actions of a man who dosnt want to be with a woman , but they are the actions of a narc making sure bonding and complete compliance was instilled .xx

#8 Apr 7 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

Mell

That is exactlly how mine

That is exactlly how mine was--over-the-top affectionate. Kinda creepy to read your post, Scoop--sounds SO familiar...

#9 Apr 7 - 6PM (Reply to #12)

ifinallygotit

scoop - hard to read but thanks for honesty -ouch

Mine would only say he loved me if I asked. he would either say "You know I do" or "I guess I do". Maybe once did he initiate the "I love you" and it was in heat of passion so does not really count. He would always say he never wanted to lose me but would at the same time always kind of scare me with "You never know what the future holds or what is going to happen...". In other words, yes, I love you now but do not count on it lasting, do not make any future plans... Also, when I was pained by his behavior, he always said it was him who had the problem, not me. He said he was "different". I asked him if he realized how difficult he made it for me to be with him and whether he appreciated me sticking it out and he always said yes. My Ex N was not a mean guy unless you asked him to have discussions or emotions beyond his comfort level... I don't think he has a clue what is wrong with him and I think he feels bad for the things he has done to people - but would never stop to change anything. Being doted on by his mom as a kid and then doted on as a superstar in his profession only fed this disease. He never said to me "You are the one" but always said he was very happy with me - never made me feel totally secure - always left that question. Its good now, but maybe....

#10 Apr 7 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Veronrose

"making sure bonding and

"making sure bonding and complete compliance was instilled". Wow, Scoop, you are spot on with that one!

#11 Apr 7 - 1PM

onwithmylife

Veronrose

funny you should make this a post and a good one, I will never forget the narc said to me several years ago,' you need to find someone else and I need to live by myself', i am 100% convinced and i do not say this often, that he knew he had some type of problem with relationships and women and was trying to tell me to give up on him but I just felt hurt by his comment and did not really LISTEN, so important to listen to what people say, as it always comes out in the en d.he once wrote me a letter saying'could not understand why he cannot sustain a relationship with a woman without all the pitfalls coming into play' because he would never examine his role at all or look inward at himself, sad.

#12 Apr 7 - 11AM

Veronrose

Thank you everyone for all of

Thank you everyone for all of your comments. As insane as it is, every single one your posts brought me a little more clarity. He always wanted to know EVERYTHING that was going on with me, but was very evasive about himself. He would skirt around things I would ask and then say, "I want to keep you intrigued....on the edge of your seat". It WAS all a mindf*ck. Thanks for listening you guys. xo V

#13 Apr 6 - 6PM

gettinbetter

They always tell you who they

They always tell you who they are. We just ignore it. Mine said "Im a little damaged" and "He'll treat you better than I will" or how about "sick of it one day you could just decide not to take my call" all foreshadowing of what was to come. He went on to say.. Im glad you havent been around the last 15 years. Ive been a real asshole and you have been spared that.

#14 Apr 6 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

"You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life"

The ex-Psych prof said that my junior year, when I was dating. He'd speak of how the men were treating me better than I did... and that I was making him old (he was hitting the junk food&alcohol big time, and it showed) At one point, he said "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life." THAT explains why I was relieved when I met the girlfriend who moved in with him. I was miserable, but I wasn't sharing an apartment, finances, etc with him.

#15 Apr 6 - 5PM

momoya

YOU were the carrot .to him

You wrote "Why couldn't he have just left me alone then, instead of continuing to dangle the carrot by talking all sweet in the next breath???" Because you were his carrot. He had to have you despite himself. The NPD disorder goes after what they want at all costs. They focus on nothing but us, and it feels really good during that time. He was overwhelmed with desire for you, to acquire you. He made it all sweet because the strong feelings made him high. You were his drug.

momoya

#16 Apr 7 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Deidre40

to >>> momoya

This is really interesting to me...great insight. The man I'm dating asked me out last year. I said no. I haven't shared that story here, but this guy isn't brand new in my life. I just said no...because I knew the stories about him. His ex wife 'harem.' I shoulda gone with my instinct. Well...this year, he admitted he told himself...''I'm gonna get her, no matter what I have to do.'' I laughed. I said...''you always get what you want?'' He replied...''pretty much. One way or the other.'' I admire ambition. I don't admire people 'getting what they want' at all costs. At the time, it seemed...yes, childish. But, I somewhat like(d) his boyish charm. No more though. A nearly 40 yr old man, acting like he's 20...is NOT charming.

#17 Apr 6 - 5PM

kgirl

Mine would say things like "I

Mine would say things like "I don't deserve you" She said in an email over a year ago "don't let me wreck you"....and I thought what a STRANGE comment to make. There were glimmers of truth in all the BS! Sure wish I would have looked at that closer! ~KG

#18 Apr 6 - 4PM

michele115 (not verified)

V/rose

It's an act...it's reverse psychology...THEY KNOW when they play that role we say: "Oh, look how humble, if only he could see just how....whatever he is..." Let me love him some more and show him the light. THAT IS WHAT WE DO and THEY KNOW THAT! Don't be fooled...we heard them then re-translated I'll say maybe out of being naieve...but the reality is when they say that - yes they are talking the truth...banking we'll change it up to our liking...it's a mind eff. SO next go around...like Maya Angelou said: Well you probably already know what she said, we post that gem here over an over. Hugs!

#19 Apr 6 - 4PM

desprathousewife

Hmmmmm you hear what you WANT

Hmmmmm you hear what you WANT to hear, same as we all do I'm afraid. They sweet talk us and make us all believe that that they are the man of our dreams....BIG MISTAKE, they are what nightmares are made of, but it takes us a long time to realise this :( There is no HOPE or HONESTY, you could be EVERYTHING he wants and more...BUT he doesnt have any idea who or what he wants. He is so dissilusioned and lost, even if you were the virgin Mary, or the whore of Babylon (depending on their preference) makes no difference. You need to listen to YOU from here on in, cos you seem to give yourself very good advise! Forget what men say and do, for a litte while anyway, just listen to your heart :) xxx

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