Is it Normal

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#1 Feb 20 - 9AM
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Is it Normal

Is it normal to go backwards and forwards in the healing process? I have been in therapy for 18 months and on my last session I felt very positive for the future. Now it is saturday afternoon here in the UK and I feel low. I am having obsessional thoughts again. My head just does not understand how my x N the father of my 2 year old can still be with the GF after nearly 18 months. I am here alone with his son feeling really lonely. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder how her family so readily accept him. I exposed him to her family 18 months ago with all the court orders, social services reports showing his abuse to the kids plus all the evidence of his abuse to his previous two wives and kids. Her family emailed me and said they had met him only once as he has isolated the new GF and they did not like him as they felt he was a control freak. They asked me for more evidence against him to protect the GF which I sent and yet they are still together and her family are his FB friends. I don't get it.

He has nothing to do with any of his kids including my 2 year old.

Sorry for rambling.

Feb 20 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you know the answer to this one

PATHOLOGY IS THE INABILITY TO GAIN INSIGHT OR GROW IN ANY MEANINGFUL WAY - Sandra Brown, MA http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/03/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her Take a deep breath and snap back to reality... she hasn't got anything you haven't already gotten from him -- MISERY. If she doesn't have it right now, she will have it shortly. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 20 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Barbara

I will be OK tomorrow. Big job interview coming up on Wednesday. Should be concentrating my efforts on preparing for that really coz I know once I get that I will no longer even have the time to think about him and will meet lots of new normal people.
Feb 20 - 4PM
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Part of the reason I feel

Part of the reason I feel this way is that I gave him a serious narcisstic injury when he met her. He had done enough to me to make any woman take her life. This was just like his brother, who he worshipped did. His wife killed herself and left two toddlers behind. Well I was not going to let him do that to me as much as he tried. However, when he met the GF and pasted it all over FB I had just about had enough and I contacted the family of GF and told them the truth about him. They asked for evidence and I sent it. I also opened a FB group called 'Beware of XXXXXX XXXXXX' (my X), with history of his abuse to women and children and sent it to all his staff. It gave me alot of satisfaction at the time but I now think that it has backfired because I have been made to look the bad one and he is the good one. He even emailed me to say he has changed because he wanted to and has the support of the woman he loves. He has too much to lose by being bad to her because then I will be proved right. Yet it messes with my head because he abused not only three wives but all his kids and does not give a damn about any of us. Yet she has got the best of him and is adament in emails to me that if he treated her the way I 'allege' he treated me she would not tolerate it.
Feb 20 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

folie aux deux

STOP READING HER EMAILS!!! she's in the delusional phase... ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 20 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

Barbara

Just having a bad day today. Do you think he could have changed because of the narcisstic hurt I caused to him by exposing him?
Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

Nope....... and it's good to

Nope....... and it's good to ramble. I was with my exN for 8 years and lived for over 7 in abuse manipulation/denial and coping so it probably looked like he'd changed with me to his exgf, and on top we had two kids. What a lovely looking family we were, how he'd changed and settled down to be the great partner she never had and had the family she didn't. I loved letting her know he got worse and had a criminal record for assault, for her own sanity. It took 10 years before she found this out though.

Ending the dance

Feb 20 - 6PM (Reply to #16)
serene69
serene69's picture

They don't change

I really cannot believe they can change. I exposed my N and caused him severe narcissist injury by talking to his ex partner. From her I heard many times in the past, women had contacted her, or his ex-wife to say they had had affairs with him, thereby causing him severe narcissist injury too. (Each time he threatened - including me - to ruin the women's lives if they did not back down and say it was all a lie.) This has happened over and over, and he just does the same act - shifts the blame to the women he gets involved with. My N was with his first wife for 8 years - cheated all the time - and with his last partner for 8 years - and cheated all the time. They seperated last year but have been still living under the roof with their 5 year old son. She is finally moving out next month. Her friends know they are sleeping in separate rooms but most of his don't. They think he is a wonderful family man and a loving father. It is quite sick. Little do they know that he is a monster at home.
Feb 20 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

totally normal

http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/01/18/normal ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 20 - 4PM
angelgal
angelgal's picture

Alfrebob, I sure hope its normal

And, I believe that it is...because I feel the exact same way as you, but in a different sense. The guy I met and was seeing, lied about having a long distance gf for two years...and used me as the girl on the side for his needs and did nothing but lie lie lie! I fell pretty hard for him and feel so lost and used everyday. I, too, constantly think about him and his life and think of how perfect it must be now that she moved in with him from her hometown. I always question why I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend and take to meet his family and spend time with them? His family are on the gf's facebook friends list as well. She was told all about him and how he used another girl for a year, while seeing her long distance and she still left her hometown for him. I don't get it, either. It has left me so messed up inside. I am sooo sorry for what your ex has done to you and your son, I understand so well the constant pain and torture you are feeling. I pray that this pain will end soon. Lot's of hugs!
Feb 20 - 11AM
rache
rache's picture

remember

SHE(gf)is putting up with his abuses and thats WHY she is still around! IT lasts as long as the woman puts up with their sh.t,or,the pathological finds a better(in his opinion NS)-when the newness wears off! AND,they will ALWAYS be on the lookout for more NS!
Feb 20 - 11AM
nycsurvivor
nycsurvivor's picture

Some days feel like...

1 step forward and 2 steps back. I feel the same way. One thing you should remind yourself is just because he has been with her for 18 months, it doesn't necessarily (especially with a N) mean a HAPPY 18 months. It's hard to know why they are still together, but it's very hard for someone to get out of an abusive relationship with a N, as we all know firsthand, unfortunately. Sometimes we erroneously equate length of time with happiness, but we all know of so many relationships that end in divorce after many, many years together. And, then you come to find out they were never happy, despite the happy couple/family appearance. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I've been there, too. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he's been absent from your son, and his other children, and abusive with the other women as well, that's the future this current gf has with him should she choose to stay.
Feb 20 - 10AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

i know how it feels...

I am here also thinking what a hell happenned and i really do realize what happenned !My ex N went total NC on me i am in Holland he in the USA after i have been trough with him i am wondering why am i not happy he is NC and i should be thankful i dont know what he is doing but i am feeling very sad and has been a year already since he dumped me like trash...

Aceonelady

Feb 20 - 10AM
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Alfrebob.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. First, yes, it is very normal to go back and forth in the healing process. One minute you're doing fine and the next: BAM! There he is again getting in your head and it makes you mad! This is totally normal, and as long as you don't get stuck there, you will come out of it on the other side feeling even better. Second, with him and GF, you don't really know if they're happy. My guess would be "no". He doesn't have the capacity to be happy, and she may be still in the early stages of thinking "This is a fluke, it will get back to how it was." You know those thoughts, we've all had them. And as far as her family being friendly with him, that could all be for her. These guys are "out of sight, out of mind" people. They do it when you are dating, living with, or married to them, and they do it after. It makes your head spin how they can forget you ever existed after it's all over. Sometimes I wish I could be that way, just forget about him with a twitch of my nose. But we can't. Because we are thoughtful, loving, caring people, we can't just let that go away like that. I know for your son's sake you would like him to have an involved father, but since your son's father is a N, really, your son is better off without him. My XN has 2 sons. One he left and forgot about for a long time and one he raised on his own. The older son is the sweetest guy, very caring, and totally normal. The son the N raised is turning into his father. Try to get out and do something nice for yourself and your son. Even if it's going to the park or the store to play with some toys for a while. Something to keep your mind occupied. I know this is easier said than done. Enjoy your son and be good to you. This will pass, and when you come out on the other side feeling pretty darn good again.
Feb 20 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
serene69
serene69's picture

Long term

I don't know if my N has a new woman. But it doesn't bother me because if he does, I know it will not be sweet and lovely. I know my N had one marriage that lasted 8 years and he cheated constantly during that time. He then moved in with another woman he has been with for 8 years. I spoke to her and her life has been sheer hell. She basically stayed with him though because she got pregnant after just 6 months. The emotional abuse she got/gets from him is horrendous. He cheated on her from the start - two long term affairs plus she found out he was on dating sites. When she found out and said she wanted to leave - he accused her of breaking up the family! So he has spent all his relationship life cheating, lying and being a bully. I can't see that ever changing. and oh apparently he said to her that no therapist was clever enough to help him ...
Feb 20 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
rache
rache's picture

thank God

the 66 year old sociopath i married could NEVER fathber a natural child and niether could his brother.
Feb 20 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

The Two Steps Forward One Step Back Dance

I'm dancing the same dance as you. I'm 16 months out and I am getting a little better but I still have those "BAM" out of the blue moments. I just have to be gentle with myself at those times because I feel like I should be stronger and I shouldn't let it get to me. Should, should, should.....I'm shoulding all over myself. I think that the "BAM" moments are just part of the whole process and I will get better at preparing for those. Whatever I do, I will never contact him again. I cannot un-do all the hard work I've done by doing that. That would be emotional suicide. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely....I feel lonely too sometimes. My daughter got married and moved away and I'm totally alone now. It's a weird feeling sometimes but other times it's quite liberating. I don't have to listen to my ex-N's whining, complaining or criticizing!! neveragain
Feb 20 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
serene69
serene69's picture

Feeling down

What i try and tell myself that everyone - even if they seem to have everything going right for them in the world - will feel down at times. it is human nature - if we are healthy people with normal emotions (i.e. not narcs) then we will have days that we do not feel as good as others. I know when I have had great periods in my life when everything has been going well relationship and work wise I would not be 100 percent running around with the biggest grin on my face and the lightest feeling in my heart.
Feb 20 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

That's why I'm here

I was only with the jerk for six weeks! I'm definitely much better than I was, but I'm obsessive and I'm lonely, so it helps to read what the women here post when I find myself thinking about him. I will never go back to him. He is misery to any woman he hooks. I know that if he does marry, it's only for what she represents, or how she allows herself to be SNS, not for who she is. He cannot love. I'm pretty sure mine announced his new relationship on fb so quickly after he D&D'd me just to prove something. He may even marry the poor girl just so he can show his family and friends that he can be a "family man" (he said that's how he see's himself.) I know that after a dispassionate reflection on our six weeks, he was already emotionally abusing me. Making nasty comments that were reverse-reactions, saying horrible things and quickly apologizing for them, canceling plans last minute, playing the silence game, haughty behavior, "omitting" really important things about himself and revealing them gradually when he knew he had me. I know he lied about a lot and when he D&D'd me it was devastatingly heartbreaking. I really believed he was "the one." He lead me on to think he was serious about me and that I had nothing to worry about with him. He said, unprovoked, "You know, I'm not going anywhere." Then called me a couple of days later to reiterate that statement. The following week he lectured me about "trust" and "accountability" (projecting - I had been nothing but good and true from the very beginning) then dumped me over the phone. It's been about four months since my breakup with this guy and I hope everyday that one of these days, I'll wake up without him being the first thing on my mind and I will go to bed without him being the last. That one day, I will think about the day before and realize that I didn't think of him at all that day. SIX WEEKS with a narc did this to me! I can't imagine having been married to him or having had his babies! I read the stories on this board and I'm amazed at the strength the women here have. It's truly truly inspiring! It was emotional rape. It's not going to just go away. There are good days and bad days, but I know it's part of healing and that you will be stronger having survived the narc/psycho. Some people don't open their eyes at all to the abuse. It was really frustrating when my friends just didn't get why I couldn't just move on. When I told some of my friends that I think he's a narc and possible psycho, they didn't understand and they think he was "just scared." I know after reading several books, countless articles and reading the stories here that what I experienced with him was worse than just a flake who got scared. It was a form of abuse by a mentally ill individual. None of it was my fault and I am blessed to be away from him.