Is it hard for an N to be nice during the idealization phase?

Actually, I think idealization aka infatuation is a drug to the Narc. That is why they are at their best during this phase. It's before they really know much about you (and vice versa) and they can be whoever they think you want them to be (and really...you are supposed to be everything they want as well...right?!) because you aren't like their last conquest...oh no....you are going be so different!!! I really do think they get a high from the chase, from the game, from pursuing you. They don't know how to do it like a normal person which is why they go to such an extreme...put you on top of an extremely high pedastal. I think they honestly equate the infatuation with love. It's only after they have gotten to know you...once you are HUMAN and no longer fitting the vision they had for you....and more importantly, once they HAVE you....that is when they stop being so infatuated. We've all had that rush of emotion...that instant attraction....we hope that there is something more once that wears off....for the Narc, there is nothing more except to go after a new supply.

And you won't believe this but the disordered one I was involved with was so disturbed yet so expert at spreading fairy dust and creating fantasy land I think he actually believed all the 'you are my soulmate' 'smokin hot gem,' 'we'll be together forever,' 'you're everything to me,' 'i love you madly' crap he spewed. I actually think for a while he believed it because I was so naive, unbelieving and so blown away by that kind of attention. I must have had stars in my eyes and he just kept basking back the reflection. IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. Once the idealization was over and I began to suspect he was lying all the time, he found 'being nice' to me obviously much, much more difficult as he repeatedly "punished me" with silent treatments if I asked him a simple question, was always late, lied about plans, always, always had me on high alert and walking on eggshells. He much seemed to prefer that type of behavior than "being nice" to me. PUKE! The sick freak is a borderline (his ex-wife confirmed it after he D & D'd me) and I never, ever had a clue when he went after me with full force. He seemed so "normal," so smooth, so sensitive, so intelligent, so caring, etc. etc. YUCK! Sorry for rambling here. The long and short of it is the freak I was involved with actually believed all the grandiose things he'd come up with until he showed me there was nothing to believe in. Then it was downhill, big time. Hugs to you Sun. You're doing great with this process. Keep it up! Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. I REFUSE TO LOWER THE BAR FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANY ONE!

Mine was an emotional vampire even during idealization. Due to all the drama in his life he would "rant" to me, and I would be there for him to lean on. Being an empath, I'd let him take from me emotionally, thinking I was actually "helping" and it would leave me regularly drained. Not only was he "hooking" me, with his "poor me" stories, letting me think I could comfort the hurt little boy inside, but he led me to believe that I was actually making a difference. I wouldn't exactly call that "being nice."

Bait, hook and throw back is all he is concerned with........ They have to be nice in order to convince us all is good. It isn't good, but once they believe they have you, they go for the kill. It's like foreplay for them........ Don't bite anymore, whats at the other end of that line is an ugly truth that you want nothing to do with!

They do is be nice! It's not them at all... But looking on the other hand, I can see how they're okay with faking it. Remember, these people technically "hate" themselves and who they are. Thats why they pretend- for some pretense is hard, and that could be why the eventually snap & we're shocked and who they are! However, I think for others thats who they "think" they are, until their real self slips & when we figure it out thats when they're done with us. Hmm...

How do they keep up? It's funny. I know that not a lot of things added up when we were together like he'd say one thing one day and then a month later i'd somehow ask/find out again and it'd be a different answer. Same thing happens now when we are NC and he still doesn't make lies succinct, but the difference is.. that I can see right through him now! Whereas before I was so brainwashed and manipulated that I just excused it... over and over and over again I would excuse him, because I felt sorry for him and thought I was in love with him, he manipulated me into being obsessed with him.. ughhhh.