Irrational Optimism

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#1 Feb 15 - 3AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Irrational Optimism

by Steve Becker, LCSW

There are many of the sociopath’s traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors.

Now, I’m tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath’s tendency to “irrational optimism.”

By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath’s irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he’ll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions.

Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheating on her with three different women simultaneously:

Partner: How could you do that?
Sociopath: Do what?
Partner: Sleep with three different women behind my back. Are you f*cking demented?
Sociopath: First of all, that’s abusive. So stop right there and don’t abuse me. Second, I didn’t sleep with f*cking anybody. Not that I haven’t been tempted, given how lame our sex life is.
Partner: Why are you lying? I know who these women are, and I can prove you’ve been sleeping with them. Do you think I’m that f*cking stupid?
Sociopath: Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me… or maybe you don’t? Does that make any sense?

The sociopath here is (or was) irrationally optimistic on two levels — first, that he’d be able to perpetrate this caper, undetected, indefinitely; and second that, once busted (as, now, he is) he’ll be able to squirm his way out of accountability.

We could address many aspects of this interaction, but I’d like to emphasize his last argument: “Let me ask you something. Why the hell would I sleep with three women and risk getting some f*cking STD? Think about it. You know me …or do you? Does that make any sense?”

This argument captures, I think, the sociopath’s “irrational optimism” beautifully. In offering the glibly insulting invitation to “think about it,” he makes a spectacle of his audacity and contempt: he really expects, and believes his partner should, accept his invitation [to think about it].

But even more than expecting her to “think about it,” which is outrageous enough, he expects her, in his irrational optimism, actually to be persuaded by his argument. In his irrational optimism, he is hopeful, if not confident, that she’ll choose to disbelieve the evidence she holds indisputably in her hands in favor of accepting his insulting logic.

How classically sociopathic is this?

More importantly, what contributes to the sociopath’s irrational optimism?

We might begin with his malignant sense of entitlement — that is, the sociopath’s belief that he is entitled to obtain the gratifications he wants. One of the most dangerous aspects of the attitude of entitlement is how it renders impotent — denudes of power — rule, limits and laws.

When you feel entitled to something, if it’s not accomodatingly forthcoming, you feel entitled to take it. You’ve laid, in your entitlement, a kind of psychic possession of what it is you want, so that now it becomes, in your mind, yours—specifically, your right to have.

And so if someone (or something) obstructs your seizing what now, in your mind, is your right to possess, then you are free to take it—to take, in fact, whatever is yours—by any means necessary.

Conferring this entitled status upon oneself encourages the irrationally optimistic view that, one way or another, accomodation looms… it must!

Closely related to this is the sociopath’s grandiosity: he believes he can and should succeed at his high-wire machinations because he’s that good, that clever and — it can’t be stressed enough — that entitled.

His grandiosity may take the form of thoughts like, “Sure, normal guys couldn’t pull this shit off, but I’m not your normal guy.”

And so, when you feel like you can do things that others can’t—especially things unsupported by “reality” — this is grandiosity. And grandiosity feeds, I believe, very directly, the sociopath’s tendency to irrational optimism.

Then there is the sociopath’s contempt, so inseparable from his grandiosity. As we discussed, the sociopath, in the example above, expects his insulting argument to succeed, either because he’s convinced he’s smart, clever and persuasive enough to be found so convincing, or else he’s convinced that his partner is dumb, naïve and/or desperate enough to believe him. (Or both!)

As a consequence, the sociopath’s contempt leaves him at constant risk of underestimating others, and overestimating himself. In his irrational optimism, fed by his contempt, he fails to appreciate how close he is always is — perhaps just one more reckless risk away — from being busted.

What else feeds the sociopath’s irrational optimism? How about his stupidity?

This may sound provocative, but let me explain. I suggest that blind faith supports a perspective of irrational optimism, and the sociopath operates with a kind of blind faith. That is, he operates in the blind faith that, somehow or other, he’ll escape accountability for his latest transgression.

Where does his blind faith come from? Two good sources, I’d suggest, are his grandiosity and arrogance — they blind him, I contend, to certain realities, effectively making him stupid on some level.

And his stupidity reinforces his irrational optimism.

Quite obviously, I’m not talking I.Q. stupidity, but rather judgment-level stupidity. The sociopath’s personality pathology mars his capacity to make wise, intelligent judgments in many circumstances.

http://www.powercommunicating.com

Feb 15 - 6PM
Monica
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"You know me...or maybe you don't."

OMG, mine has used this on me, when I started calling him on his lies and his using me and his denials. He would say things like, "IF you really knew me, you would know I am not like that." Cripes. Everytime I read these classic lines that they all use....it truly does freak me out. Is there a playbook they all use or something?? Is there a "Narcissism for Dummies" book out there somewhere? Maybe some kind of "how to" manual they all read and study and commit to memory?? It's like they were cut out of the same mold...yeah, the REJECT mold. The ones the are marked DEFECTIVE by the inspectors, then sold as "seconds" at a greatly reduced rate. And they guys think they are first class, perfect specimens of human beings. NOT.
Feb 17 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
narcsurvivor
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LOL, someone needs to write

LOL, someone needs to write that book! Seriously, it needs to get into mainstream reading. And regarding the top post about confronting the N about cheating -- my ex said the same thing about catching STDs. such total bull!
Feb 15 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
rache
rache's picture

Monica,lmao.....

Mine would say IF you truely love me,or,if you REALY love me you'd break your neck getting down here to take care of me.YOU know i am not able to take care of myself with my broke foot! Well,hire someone asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feb 16 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
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rache - same sh*t

Psycho-Boy, after he was busted... he told his girlfriend in Calif. that as soon as things died down & he "smoothed it over" with his wife they would be together. Then he cut her off. She was beside herself so she called him and wanted some answers, some REAL answers... his response: "IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME you will leave me alone and let [my wife] heal." His g'friend in Calif. went ballistic! She started posting about him all over the net. She was furious! manipulative bastards... ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 19 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
rache
rache's picture

Manipulative bastards

Yeah,and,our best revenge is coming soon!Watching these OLD narc/socio/psycopaths self-destruct.They will be seen as they truely are=OLD ugly con-men.lmao
Feb 15 - 7AM
peacewarrior
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Weere you eavesdropping in

Weere you eavesdropping in my house listening to defensive manipulation about std's???lol When there is evidence of infidelity these sickos divert and seek to convince you or put you on defesive you are suggesting they want stds'..how dare you suggest that...wow..you are a sicko! I asked the ex why his hotel bill listed two people in the room. He was "outraged" telling me I had a sick and perverted mind! Don't blame him (!) for what some clerk did! Liek "don't blame him" for ordering the porn tv channels he's not accountable for the cable sersvice he bought..or the porn flicks..nor the gal calling him for money to get home no siree! I did come across an article that a normal spouse would be concerned that his/her behaviors had indicated or led to distrust in teh relationship. A normal person would be genuinely concerned and seek to demonstrate their fidelity, repair trust etc. I feel anger pathalogic people are entitled to 'all' and have no conscience to deprive another or other human beings of living a life they want and their P entitlement to have all and at the expense robbing others. If one wants a sordid lie with unlimited partners..porn..consorting with prostitutes and the facade of super H dedicated family man....it's plain sick. John Edwards comes to mind that he could get away with and hav his mistress, their baby lie to the camera and drag others down with him and be the loving husband of a woman with cancer.
Feb 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
alfrebob
alfrebob's picture

They all twist it

When I was with my ex N he went to court to obtain access to his son. Prior to that he asked me to send a letter to his ex wife saying what a changed man he was and such a good stepfather to my two children. Stupidly enough I did it because I did not know the real him at this stage. He came home from the court in a foul mood. I asked how it went. I was shouted at and abused that the child welfare officer told him to get me out of his life as I was ruining his chances because I had written three letters to his ex wife! I only sent the one letter he asked me to and worded for me I am ashamed to say. He went on and on about it.Needless to say we never got to discuss the court case, which he lost I presume coz he never saw his son again. I ended up trying to make him believe me when all along he made it up. Actually mentioning the court case became such an issue that it was not worth it. I just spent my life making him feel better about not seeing his kids. I realise now that at this stage I was no longer useful.