indifferenceis it possible

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#1 May 1 - 5AM
fooled no longer
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indifferenceis it possible

I dont want to stick a pin in anyones balloon, but I believe it is impossible to achieve complete indifference even if you are 10 yrs NC. Thats why women are still on here talking about a relationship of ten years back, some of them are remarried or with new partners but are still trying to work it out.
Its the terrible thought that someone could attack you emotionally rape you pretend to share your ups and downs for years and then discard you like a piece of toilet paper, that is hard to absorb and we often get locked into understanding it, or trying to resolve it.
Its like being robbed and murdered by your kid, except worse there was no desperation, no drug money needed, with N its just an addiction to power that they feed on, they keep going back to old sources.
I wish indifference was a reality. I still feel hatred, deep hatred and i know thats not good, one day I wont care so much, one day it wont hurt so much.

But I know ill never get over this, it will stand as a gaping scar to remind me.

Its like they walk in and step over your dead body and keep going.

Its is the only regret of my life, I always said I dont do regret.

To reach indifference you need closure, they will never give you that.

Ive given myself closure, but Im still looking over my shoulder. In the same way that fear will arise in a woman who has been raped when she hears footsteps behind her in the dark..

They are the devil incarnate, charming, and fatally attractive.

Vampires need garlic to drive them away.

Neediness drives Narcs away, so act clingy and needy and he may disappear for awhile.

May 1 - 2PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Time fades the memory and

Time fades the memory and intensity of the pain but it is still there, and can be triggered when you least expect. And thats why indifference is a difficult goal. Even those who have gone on to find a great relationship still look back and ask WHY?
May 1 - 8AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I do think time helps in the

I do think time helps in the recovery. Pushing forward and enjoying today and trying to keep focused on future fun things and not the past
May 1 - 7AM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Maybe, but here's my take

You make some good points to be sure. Maybe what you say is true. I do know that I've met narcs in the past, and had "relationships" with them. Thought I had to have them only for them to end up spurning and betraying me. Was it traumatic getting over them? At the time yes. However, eventually, my obsessions over them passed into history. I rarely think of them now, and if I do it's only in the most detached way. I don't care about them one way or the other. Its like they are dead to me. I mourned the loss of them, but in time, new people came along and I found hope again. I don't obsess over them. I just don't care! I think indifference is possible. Do you forget them completely? No, probably not, but their emotional hold is gone with the passage of time. Maybe for every woman its different. To talk about them for me, would be like doing a clinical autopsy. It's dead history. Done, gone! As far as my most recent relationship disaster which ended just about 8 weeks ago, increasingly I have trouble even remembering his name or what he looks like. Happily I've been doing a lot of reading, and it's helped. Just read an opening chapter last night on Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It's like wow! As I suspected, my former "partner's" ED likely was present for years in his previous 35 year marriage. He did talk about that the last few years of the marriage, they had no sexual contact. He blamed it on her illness, but I'm sure it was largely an excuse. He was a cerebral narcissist and those guys have very low libidos and are largely asexual. Sex is usually the first thing to go with them unless there is a major crises in their lives like divorce or dissertation. His inability to sexually function, I now realize didn't have a thing to do with me! Say it Class! "It was all about him!" I feel very good now. I am loveable and worthy of a healthy, give and take relationship. I deserve to be happy! I will never subordinate my needs to a man again! Now I can let go and let the OW have him. I feel sorry for her, but its not my problem. If anything, I'd like save her, but she is under his control now, and I must think about getting on with my own life! Thanks for sharing. Good points all!
May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"He has no sex"

This is how Pierre in "War and Peace" is described, as essentially asexual. He feels guilty for feeling sexual passion for his wife Helene... but how he manages to father children with Natasha is astonishing, because she becomes a fat, rude slob like him. "He was a cerebral narcissist&those guys have very low libidos&are largely asexual"-That's a PERFECT description of the ex-Psych prof, who liked that the description of Pierre above applied to him. Unlike somatic Narcs who hit the gym, the ex-P packed on the pounds... once saying "I WANT to be fat." He did end up fat... one of the rare things he said he'd do, and actually did. The ex-P would say that if he&I married, I'd have to put up with his masturbation habit. The ex-P wasn't capable of a give-and-take relationship, even with his fellow professors, or with his students. My experience from a decade ago was traumatic was because it was within the teacher/student relationship. He and I didn't get involved sexually or romantically... but when it's a person who's in a position of trust/authority acts in such a way... it IS scarring.
May 1 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
dudette
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Soaper

Totally agree with everything you say, even the ED part LOL Happy Sunday x
May 1 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Redhead1
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I wonder if the ones that had

I wonder if the ones that had thier narcs come back years later knew what they were dealing with. Did you girls who let them come back after years just not realize what they were until they came back the second time. I think if I had not realized my ex was a narc I may have kept playing his game without realizing it. Now that I know what he is, I want him gone.
May 1 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
dudette
dudette's picture

I guess I was lucky

to have internet access at this first time really. Whe EXW for my N told me about his behaviour behind closed doors, I could not believe what I was hearing....and my thoughts turned to " he sounds like a psychopath..." So I looked it up and there it was, a perfect illustration of what his EXW, myself and anoither OW had been subjected to over the last wo years.....