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Incapable of making decisions

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#1 May 29 - 9PM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Incapable of making decisions

Does anyone else find it so hard to make simple decisions since leaving or being dumped by their Narc?

I realise that my decisions were always based on what the Narc thought was best or based on what was best for the relationship.

I feel like my ability to make simple decisions has totally dissapeared.

I am contemplating running away overseas at the moment. I feel like there is nothing left here for me. My Narc is involved in my career path and I can't even go to work without being reminded of the pain. But something is stopping me from booking that ticket....fear maybe of cutting all ties or fear of the unknown.

I have been contemplating leaving everything behind and starting fresh in a new country. I feel like this is running away, but the thought of hearing about my Narc and his successful life, and when he gets a new GF will push me over the edge. It feels like he has luck on his side and that karma never catches him. How is this possible?

I just wish I could have the courage to make a decision and move out of this misery. I feel stuck and like I can't move forward. All I have to do is book a ticket and leave. But I feel like why should I leave? This is my home, but staying here doesn't feel like a choice anymore.

May 30 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Puzzle

Put the pieces of the Puzzle back together first. Picking up and running away at this time is a very bad idea. You need to have 95% of the puzzle complete before you pack your things and split. Baby step, my friend. The last thing you want to do is move and add the stress of moving to your other problems. food for thought. In time you will feel better, Hang tight. Hunter
May 30 - 2AM
Bitter-sweet
Bitter-sweet's picture

Puzzle

Hi- I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment. I have suffered with making decisions in the past. It sounds as if your N was very controlling and got you used to giving in to his demands. If you are down, it is best not to make any big decisions which you might later regret. Take things a step at a time. You are better at making decisions than you think. After all, you made a decision to join the board and begin your healing. There is help for you here. Karma will catch up with him- maybe not immediately but he has already lost you and he is destined to a life of losing people.
May 29 - 9PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I was just like this for

I was just like this for awhile too. Its coming back to me , my confidence , my being me. I always felt like I needed to make the right decisions because he was going to tease me. Don't worry over time it goes away.
May 30 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
wiserwoman
wiserwoman's picture

it does come back

I too had problems making decisions after leaving-but remember,you've already made the most difficult one - you left. It's been about him for so long -and you always trying to keep him happy (unsuccessfully, of course) that you actually start forgetting what you like and dislike/ what your dreams were. You stop assessing whether or not you're headed in a direction that is good for you because you're so busy just surviving. Start by making small decisions - about your security. I think right now, you need to make yourself feel safe and grounded, not like you're floating around with no ties. I completely understand your desire to just take off and start fresh, but I fear you would end up alone and scared. Then you really might make some bad decisions. Familiar surroundings can be full of painful memories, but they are also comfortable. This sounds really corny, but why don't you give yourself six weeks to just sit and breathe and understand/cope with what the N has done to you. (not brood) Set yourself some achievable and enjoyable goals - like - in the next four weeks, I'm going to go out with my girlfriends twice. I'm going to save up for a massage and then treat myself. Do a plus/minus chart for your career - or investigate a new one. Make sure the focus is on YOU and start thinking about all those things that make you special and start highlighting them again. N's don't pick losers to hang out with, so I'm sure that you've got lots of talent and things to focus on. It's just that they've been shoved in the back of the closet because the N doesn't appreciate them. Lots of luck, big hug.
May 30 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
wiserwoman
wiserwoman's picture

just read your story

Well, just read your story, so my advice is not so helpful in this situation. I too, am a new teacher - and I know that it is stressful enough without having Mr Gloaty Pants walking in unexpectedly to see you suffering. Somehow SOMEHOW you have to make it through the next 3 weeks and then get the h*ll out of there even if they offer you more work. You won't be sane if you have to keep seeing him every day. My heart goes out to you hon, life is not fair, but three weeks WILL pass.
May 30 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Thank you wiserwoman. I just

Thank you wiserwoman. I just posted under Puzzle's story about what has been going on at school. It has been very difficult being a new teacher and trying to get my foot in the door, let alone having personal issues that are becoming more transparent at work. It is tough being a new teacher isn't it? I miss my office job at the moment. Being able to hide behind my desk with a coffee and cry. Teaching is such a juggling act and you need to have your wits about you. I feel like I need to be on the ball 7 hours of the day, and this emotional rollercoaster is not helping. It is testing my ability as a teacher. How are you finding your situation affecting your work?
May 30 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
wiserwoman
wiserwoman's picture

trying to work in chaos

This is my second year at teaching...well sort of. You see, N gave me such a hard time about going back to work (because I was ruining HIS job, not looking after the children properly, being selfish and not thinking of the family, a terrible teacher, running his business into the ground) that I actually had a nervous breakdown and had to take a term off work. My school was really understanding, fortunately, and as French teachers are in hot demand in Australia, I was immediately offered my position back. But N used to yell at me every morning so that I would be shaking before I went into class. My confidence was lacking and I got some help from my mentor teacher and other teachers who would occasionnally just 'pop into class and sort out the troublemakers'. They also helped me get conduct cards (to be filled out by every teacher in every class) for those kids and this helped me settle that particularly difficult class down. Also, I struck up a deal with some more experienced teachers to 'remove' kids for 15 min. at a time and put them in their classrooms. Other options? Make the whole class do one minute of silence before leaving for recess. Keep some kids in for 5 min. at recess. Keep ten minutes aside at the end of the day for a fun activity - and if the class screws it up, keep crossing off one minute of that fun time. Or - create reward system - student of the day, row of the day. My son's teacher has a bag of choc bars and gives one out every day to Student of The Day. Of course, these don't work as well with highschool, but you never know (are you primary or secondary?) But hope some of them help. The main thing is: avoid at all costs asking the N for help. N also used to tell me how damaging teachers are to children's self-esteem on many many occasions and would ALWAYS side with the child if I dared to speak about how I was having trouble at school. Eventually, he told me not to talk about my work at all as he "didn't find it interesting and didn't know my work colleagues from a bar of soap." I was DETERMINED to not let this b*&tard grind me down - and every day when i drove to work, I told myself: I am a new teacher, yes I will make mistakes, but I will learn from them. I will ask OTHER people for advice and not let my N know my struggles. When I return from work I will tell him that I had a great day and not discuss anything else. On the drive to work, I would do deep breathing (no kidding) and say to myself "I am a good teacher, at work I am professional and I will NOT think about all the sh*t at home. I am smart, I can do this. This is MY work. Then I would focus EVERYTHING on my job and the students. After a while, I found it therapeutic. To not be worried about him, to not be concerned with his opinion, was very refreshing. All my mental energy would go into my job, and it distracted me from my pain. And of course, I wised up to him eventually and got my ass out of the house. It sounds like you're at a really hard school. Whatever doesn't break you with the kids only makes you stronger. In some ways, it's good to start off at a disadvantaged school because when you get to a better school, you will have good strategies and have developed a toughness. Best of luck pumpkin - feel free to keep in touch. I know how hard this is for you. x