impulse to stalk

Hi All,

I have the urge to internet stalk or do a drive around. As many of you know, this is my last piece of NC to stop. It's going on about 4 months since i've stopped this behavior. I used to do it for hours at a time and waste energy looking for him. He D&D me almost 2 years ago in May and I haven't seen him since Jan. He did some weird hoover or mistake call in July. I NEVER gave into any part of the call...never called him back or acknowledged that i knew it was him. And today, this evening, BAM, the impulse and urge to stalk came on full force. I folded the laundry, washed my face with water, sent a message to a safe person, and now I am posting here. My intention is to lessen the impulse of this crap. I plan or rewarding my self with sushi and rice if i can stop. I have no money, but i figure the 20.00 bucks is worth it to stop the bull shit in the head. and try to uncoil the cluster fuck that is going on inside there. I am so self absorbed and tightly wound inside the head right now that I can't even get out of myself for one min to help someone else. i am only thinking about me me me and my cluster fuck. nice isn't it. I have tools and am fighting using them. The rebel inside me that is beating the shit out of the healthier part of me from shining is at war right now. I know it won't last forever and that it will pass. It's just when I get into it...boy it feels like a tightly wound ticking time bomb. The anxiety is a symptom of something i am running from....but what is it this time? thanks for letting me rant...and try to work my way back to calm.

ttr