A impossible situation with NO escape!!

That is how I feel right now!! I have been so devalued and degraded. I have tolerated situations that in the past I never would have tolerated. I leave and the pain and suffering is so great and I go back and the pain and suffering is so great!! I AM NOT ENJOYING any of this, by any means, and I am very serious about wanting this asshole out of my life, however, I can't break free. His hooks are in so deep, and I have come to play along that it's easier to go back then to deal with everything if I don't.
I know many people on here are much stronger than me and have followed through with NC. Sometimes though, a person's set of circumstances is so bad, that it takes them longer than most to do the right thing. Does that mean I am any less serious?? Does that mean that I am enjoying any of this pain and suffering.......NO IT DOES NOT!!!
My husband's ex-girlfriend from about 4 years ago contacted me yesterday (I had contacted her last April when I left my husband for the first time). She said that my husband showed up at her church the other day, about 2 weeks ago (he has been going to many different churches to find new "supply"). She was contacting me so that a restraining order could be delivered to him and wanted to know his address. All he did was SHOW UP....I guess he said hi to her and she called the police and they escorted him out.....he did not harass her or anything, but what she told me was that he so destroyed her life 4 years ago that she does not EVER WANT HIM AROUND HER , CONTACTING HER, TALKING TO HER, ETC, ETC.....and she took it to a judge last week and they granted the order. Imagine that....a person caused so much pain and destruction in another persons life that the very site of him freaked her out enough to get a restraining order. She told me there was physical, emotional and some sexual abuse.
So, I guess I am not the only one that has had their live turned upside down by this asshole. My biggest problem is this.....at this point, I seem to care so little about myself that I have reached a point that I can no longer stand up for what I know is right. I'm sitting here crying right now because I feel so trapped and there does not seem to be a way out!! I know what I need to do, but can't seem to do it. Things go so well for a few days, and then he manipulates the situation to reverse the blame on me. Example, he said that if I come back (this was a few weeks ago) that he would stop seeing all OW and work on our marriage. After I did come back, any time I would ask if he stopped contact, he would say that I am creating chaos and he does not want to be with a person that is so "unstable".....he just flat out tells me that he is not seeing her right now, he is trying to work on our marriage (but won't tell her that), but he won't break it off completly until I PROVE THAT I AM STABLE!! He puts it all back on me. I know that on so many levels this is so wrong of him....it is so absurb, and when I even say it out loud to anyone, they look at me like I am crazy for putting up with all of this. I know in my head that I am, I just don't seem to care anymore...either that or somehow I think it will change.
So, I keep praying for strength to do what I need to do. I go back to work tomorrow and will be back again full time next week. I know that I am not doing anything like I should.....I know, I guess at some gut level that what he is doing is wrong, but I question myself constantly and wonder if this is all me.......I am serious about wanting this pain to stop, but I guess we all go about things in different ways.
It helps to post on here to see how out of line he is.....I actually start to think to myself that if I just try and be "happy and cheerful", just try and get along, not cause problems that it will all work out. I question myself.
It's strange, because it's not like I need this shit......I am fairly attractive (at least that what people tell me), I am educated and have a good job, I normally have a pretty good, friendly outgoing personality.....I have a lot going for me....
Anyway, thanks again for reading my ramblings.....I am just venting. I feel like I am so trapped and I can't break free......what an AWFUL place to be in!!!
Joy