I'm trying to keep it together...

I'm having a moment of crazy. I've been doing really well but today it's so much work to keep my head and heart out of Narcville.

Several people have told ms that they saw him with the OW. I've said to them: yes, I know they are together. It's better for me they are together because he stays away.

I actually told him to please be with this woman. Please. Go away, I said and be happy. Leave me alone.

He's a terrible person. He's a grifter. He is abusive to me and the children. He is dishonest in business and with money. He loves triangulation; has one or two going all the time. He loves drama and living on the edge of the law.

I don't like him. I don't want to be with him or around him. I don't want to be his friend.

And then why does it hurt to know he's out having a good time spending money on his new girlfriend while I have no money and all the children?! Am I jealous? He's disgusting.

He keeps dropping by. I told him, "Stop dropping by. Make a schedule and stick to it. He children need consistency. They have a bedtime. They need to know what is happening in their life." he drops by and expects everyone to drop everything and give him an audience. He does nothing for the kids and nothing with them but wants to use them for show to show people what a great dad he is.

He then texts at 9 pm asking to come over and read them books. I tell him that they are in bed and repeat everything that I just said. He then asks if I'm hungry and want something, he's getting something to eat.

No, I text back. Then he says he can take them all to school in the morning. The therapist said to give him that if he wants it. So I say ok.

Then he texts: I am gay. My teenage daugter sees my phone beep on the table (iPhone) and reads it. I say: he's so funny! Haha! Then I text: I figured.

Why he said that I don't know. What's the manipulation? Is he trying for triangulation with me again, hoping I beleive he's gay and not really 'with' this woman. Is he just joking? Trying to get me to laugh? He's done that before.

Anyway, I'm worn down. I'm tired of this life.

He just texted again saying: he wants peace with me, he'll go and do anything because we need help to create peace between us. He said he knows that we love each other.

And who is he now?

I'm confused and lost and feeling hopeless. I need to snap out of it.

Thanks for listening.