i'm a total failure.......i'm so depressed.......

one day he came in drunk..so drunk he was stumbling..and i was livid...and he put his hand on the head of Booger, the dog he claimed to love the most of all and said....'i swear on Booger's life i am not drunk'....fucking bastard!... then, when BEN got cancer...i said to him...'BEN is everything to me...and you are going to have to help me while he is sick..do you hear me?.'...and he said...'i have no intetntion of drinking while BEN is in need...i promise'.....and i said...'your promises aren't worth shit'...and he said....'then i a swear to it'.and i said..'i notice that when you make your solemn oaths you never seem to swear on your own miserable excuse for a life...why is that?'.....and he raised his hand toward heaven and said.....'i swear to God that have no plan to drink, and will not drink while BEN is sick and having cancer surgery...i swear to God on my own life and hope to die the most miserable death anyone can die if i am lying'.... and i said....'i believe God will call you out on that one, you son of a bitch'.....and HE did...of COURSE the bastard was lying....he was planning a little spree around my baby, as if he was planning a Carnival Cruise......he had already posted on the business website, without me knowing it, that he was going to be 'completely unavailable' for two weeks...caring for his beloved cancer stricken dog!...he'd already squirreled away money....he planned one of his little vacations from sanity around my baby....and swore to God that he hadn't..and i believe God took note of it... the psychopath himself...as he lay there dying...the one and only thing he ever said to me that even HINTED of sanity was ...'i remember swearing on my own life, and hoping to die a horrible death, that i would stay sober while BEN was sick...and i lied...i think that's why i'm here'......yeah..that's why he was there...that and lots of other broken oaths vows and promises...too many to count.....

just typing his name makes me cry....i've tried to blog about BEN.write tributes to him....but i slmost always end up erasing it..because nothing i write ever seems to convey how much he meant to me...or why.... i do know that he was an angel...that he was pure white light...that the first time i saw that poor scrawny bedraggled one eyed dog, i knew i was in the presence of someone, something better than me.....i was humbled to be in his presence, and that's the truth... i loved him more than anything and everything...i would have died for him..... the day the psychopath murdered BEN, on Valentine's Day 2007...he murdered me too..... BEN went somewhere else...but somehow i got left behind....i failed...i failed to protect an angel from a monster...and i am so afraid that i will be punished for that failure...and never be allowed to see my darling BEN again..... i wrote a couple of little things abut him....but they don't do him justice....i don't have the ability to put into words what BEN was...and what he means to me..i miss him and grieve for him as much today as the day the psychopath took him from me..and that the psychopath dying still wasn't enough..he could never die a horrible enough death..neve burn in Hell long enough for justice to be served..even God's vengeance fell short..failed to ease my heartache......i do know that every moment that BEN was in this world....that it was a better place...and every moment that he was in my life...i was a better person...and without him...i am lost..... http://trubblescatboxandotherabusive.blogspot.com/2010/02/to-my-valentine.html http://trubblescatboxandotherabusive.blogspot.com/2010/01/ghost.html http://trubblescatboxandotherabusive.blogspot.com/

Anybody who can love and care for animals the way you do and get through what you have is not a failure in any shape or form....your are a wonderful, caring and very brave person who is grieving for Ben and the aftermath of what you have been put through. This evil monster died hated and dispised and who knows what he will have to deal with on the other side....and quite frankly...who cares!!!! As you know, it can hit harder when it all stops because you are numb when you are going through it and when realization sets in it's an awful shock because you're not in overdrive having to deal with the N on a day to day basis anymore but the heartache of what they have done to you. All my love to you and big respect for your strength and the fact that you are still standing after what you have been through. Women are amazing...no doubt about that...X

I'm sorry, narcnarc. So, sorry. :(

Hey NarcNarc, There is so much pain in what you have written. I was wondering if you could share some of the good memories you have had with Ben. Don't know if you ever really had the chance to do that. I would love to read it.

You are not a failure. You have a wonderful sense of humor and have lots of love to give. Your animals need and love you. You have a lot of insight to offer this board. Try to look forward not back. He's dead-close the door!

why couldn't the bastard have killed himself two years ago...when i had him insured for hundreds of thousands and could have had money to take care of the dogs and cats...or why couldn't he have done it before he murdered BEN...why couldn't he have done it years and years ago?.... i'm just so sad...about so many things....things are just flooding back..i loved my yard..even more than the house...the yard was beautiful...i worked so hard on it...i had bird houses and bird feeders everywhere...and there was this one red winged blackbird...he came back year after year...i knew it was the same one because he would sit right on the feeder while i was filling it...i could have reached out and touched him...he was beautiful..he used to sing all day long...i worry about him...if he's ok...if he's getting enough to eat...... and my dead babies...they're all here with me in urns...i couple of times i started to scatter their ashes there...where they were so happy...but somehow deep down inside i knew that someday it would be taken from me...so i kept them in the urns...and now there's no place to scatter them....no home.....no happy place..... all because of him...all because of him...i never thought i would hate him more dead than alive.....but i do...i keep thinking about him..whining to his father.....'she hates me dad..she wants me dead...i'm afraid of her..afraid she'll kill me...she wants me dead'.... if i can...i want to follow him into Hell....and stalk him there..if there is any way that my being there will make him more miserable....then it would be worth it...that's how much i hate him....... and i hate myself now....he's finally got me to the point where i hate myself....for not assisting him in his suicide years and years ago....

on the 5th of April...he was looking up online obituaries......not his parents, interestingly...but old school chums...people his own age...including one mutual friend of ours...a guy whose funeral he refused to attend a few years ago..... the psycho wasn't the sentimental type, as we all know...not one to be looking back on fallen comrades.....he'd even dished up 2.95 cents to look at the legacy guest book of some woman i'd never heard of.....who died last year...some old girlfriend probably....i'm sure he wasn't looking back on what he did to my babies.....the nasty bastard....... i think he decided to drink himself to death...but didn't get the desired result right away..i'm sure he was thinking of something along the lines of Leaving Las Vegas..one of his few favorite films.......instead he just got sick...then sicker and sicker and sicker.... there were empty vodka bottles stashed in a rubbermaid tub in his apartment.....i think he hid them the day he called me to come get him.......too sick to walk out the the trash he just stashed them there......

A very wise comrade sister of mine gave me this post card and i carry it in my bag ... it says .. "Because womens work is underpaid or unpaid and what we look like is more important than what we do and if we get raped it is our fault and if we love women its because we cant get a real man and if we expect community care for our familys we are selfish and if we stand up for our rights we are loud and if we dont we are typical weak females and if we want to get married we are out to trap a man and if we dont we are unnatural and because we arnt deemed responsible enough to decide if, when and how we give birth ....We are Feminists . Men are the enemy , thousands of years of sick oppression and we are still ment to be nice to them ? fuck that ! scoop x

i'm just drowning in them today...when he was laying in that hospital bed...all frail and orange and bleeding out...i wanted to snatch him up by his little flowered hospital gown...and shake him and slap him...the way he used to do me...and scream at him..'tell me you nasty motherfucker...tell me...why did you murder my baby?...tell me'....but i was afraid he'd start screaming...or call for the nurse...or someone would walk in and find me abusing a poor invalid drunkard........ now i'll never get another chance....to slap him...or kill him...or interrogate while torturing him...... he got away..he got away with it all.......

i'm just sick that i didn't pick up a knife and plunge it into him..on any given tuesday.... that i didn't put a pillow over HIS face and smother him to death while he was passed out on the sofa.... i'm also sick that i didn't bring booze into the house by the tanker truck full...serve him booze in a barmaid costume...put it in everything....it would have been Hell but maybe he would have been dead years ago.... i big trigger was that a guy he'd known for years, a doctor, said to me....... 'that derelict owed you his life.....he would have been dead years ago if not for you'....i found no comfort in that...it was like a punch to the gut.....

He is dead and you are alive . Alive for many many years to come and where there is life there is hope . I plan to be mad old cat lady who takes my cats for a walk in a shopping trolly , its not much of a future but it is a future , you can come and join me if you like x Scoop x

narcnarc - I think about you so often. I do not want this to be the end of you. I know how incredibly painful your life must be. I know how it is to have no hope and be depressed beyond belief. During my darkest days, the only things that kept me going were my daughter and my furry daughter - I did not want to let those two down. You have to start where you are at - you have your beloved pets. You have not failed them, without you they may not be alive - they could have been sent to a shelter and put to sleep. I'm sure you give them joy everyday. You did the best you could at the time. You cannot allow the well worn groove in your brain to take control. You cannot undue the past - you cannot continue to beat yourself up for his abuse. It happened and if you knew better at the time, you would have done things differently, but you didn't and you did learn from the experience. Your Narc wanted to beat you into the ground. Do not allow him even in his death to do this to you. You can survive. You need to realize that you do have something to offer this world - otherwise you wouldn't be in it. Your narc did not - that is why he is dead. He is dead, not you. You have a gift for writing. Write. Go on elance and check out the writing jobs available - there are 828 of them currently. If you could write one article a day - you would not only be helping someone who needs your talents, but you would be helping yourself to build a new life. You can do all this from your home. It is overwhelming to think of starting over. You can't think about how much energy it will take - or you will not even take the first step. Do one tiny thing for yourself today. Even if that is just thinking for one moment that things might get better - or looking at your furry kids and feeling joy for a second that you have them. I am not one of those feel good no matter what people. I recognize one cannot feel gratitude when everything feels like sh*t. I just want you to know, I think the world is a better place because you are in it. Also, I doubt your N had anything of value, but maybe something in his apartment is worth selling. You can list anything on craigslist for free. It is amazing - people will pay 25 bucks for a couch or a bed or a table. If you want to email me, you can get my address from Barbara. I am pulling for you and include you in my prayers because I want you to win. I don't want the Narc to win. You are too good of a person and have too much to offer the world. Take care of you!

when i think about all the people who enabled him to abuse me for years and years......people who would bristle at being called enablers....sanctimonious twits who would claim sainthood...... it makes me sick to think about how easy it is for all these bastards to find enablers....people to help them..prop them up...let them continue on with their wickedness.... while we all sit here...in a virtual online leper's colony...ostracized...for......WHAT exactly?......

I'm not going to give you a pep talk. I'm all out of unicorns and rainbows here too. Just want to say that I hear you, and I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. none of us do.

YOU are not a failure! If YOU are, then all of us here on this forum are, and you know and I know that not to be true! I sometimes beat myself up too, but it does no good at all. We did our best, and with good intent..... Look into your doggies eyes, the same way that I look into my sons' eyes sometimes........ I feel so much tremendous guilt for bringing that psycho into our lives, so he could destroy our lives, then move on without looking back. Tremendous guilt doesn't even begin to touch on what I feel..... But they love me, and so far, I've protected them from knowing the complete truth, and will fight like Hell to keep them knowing this horrible evil even exists. Don't think for one minute, that those dogs don't love you and need you just as badly as my boys do me. They are the opposite of Mike. They are there to love you and protect you, and you them...except they are worthy of it. Hang in there...get my email from Barbara if you want......Love you!!

i've talked to people who were around him the last few months...and the more i talk to them, the more i'm sure that he drank himself to death on purpose... the psycho was a PRO...he never did anything that wasn't of carefully calculated optimum benefit to him.... how cunning of him....for the first time ever he failed to rise from the ashes of his incinerated victims, and soar off to a new and better life.... this time he singed his own wings in the raging bonfire he made of my life...and he just couldn't rise above the heat and flames.... he couldn't find a new victim to give him back all the things of mine he'd destroyed....all his schemes failed...it was no fun to have driven me and the dogs and cats into poverty if he was stuck there too.... so he decided to get himself out of it...in a way that would make him a sainted martyr...not a monster, but the VICTIM of alcoholism....just a poor tortured soul...who never meant anyone any harm.... how fucking convenient....