im so in need of help

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 4 - 5AM

indenial

im so in need of help

I thought I was doing ok. I thought I could do this. I feel strong just for him to knock me down. He got an angry reaction from me and I embarrassed myself in front of everyone. Made £yself look like the crazy woman. He really got my nut. No one understands. I feel so desperately alone. I'm feeling so traumatised. Please can anyone help me ?

#2 Sep 6 - 3AM

Journey

You can do this! It is hard

You can do this! It is hard and you have been traumatized... be easy on yourself, your reactions are understandable to us, even if not to others. We've all felt like the one losing our mind, but narcs bring this out in us with their projection and blame. You CAN do this, don't despair! (hugs) ox

Journey on...

#3 Sep 5 - 9PM

wisdomneeded

I am sorry

that you feel frustrated. They know exactly how to trigger us into acting out our anger. Please do not beat yourself up over an incident of frustration. My daughter experienced the same feelings of humiliation this summer over anger at the Narc. She overreacted and the Narc ended up looking like a saint. It has taken all summer to move forward, but I encourage you to keep on the Path Forward. My daughter LEARNED SO MANY lessons about herself as a result of the situation that I believe it took this volatile situation to actually begin the real healing she needed. She is truly moving forward and so will you...DO NOT GIVE UP. Blessings to you! WN

#4 Sep 5 - 11AM

Goldie

Hi Indenial

I just sent you another PM today. You are in my heart and prayers for YOU to get the strength to do what you know you need to do. God bless, Goldie

#5 Sep 5 - 7AM

Kitty02 (not verified)

Indenial

I don't know if you have been in touch with one of the organisation that can help with what domestic violence does to you but in case you haven't I have left some links on Arwens post.. Call the help line it is a start. They will refer you and advise you. xxx

#6 Sep 5 - 6AM

Kitty02 (not verified)

I know that feeling of how a

I know that feeling of how a violent man can make you feel sooooo exhausted and frighten. Yet believe me eight years down the line away from him and he doesn't look so scary although it is still in my head and made me wary of men. He hoovers me from time to time for even the smallest bit of supply and because of how he'd made me feel in/after the relationship I even got caught up with another narc after him such was the damage he done to me emotionally etc. but one day I just got up after pdman#2 done a D & D on me and thought I'm worth more then this and I haven't looked back since. I wish you had somewhere to go and stay and get away from it all. I know people say that running away from your problems doesn't work but you so need some you quiet time, some peaceful happy time and once you have a taste of this you will want it more and more and you will fight to keep it, NC becomes something you WANT not what you HAVE to do. I am in a good place now so believe me there is life after a violent relationship

#7 Sep 5 - 6AM

indenial

i just dont know what to do !

I don't seem to be able to keep the strength I feel. He is violent and scary and I am scared of what he will do. My head knows what I need to do but I'm so mentally and physically exhausted I can't do it. He's an intimidating bully and as far as I'm concerned you never show fear or bow down to a bully so I keep fighting back but this is so complicated. I end up feeling like crap ! He keeps ending it ! He keeps going silent on me but he comes back and I never know how he's going to come back so the unpredictability of it keeps me in a state of anxiety. I'm trying not to let him ruin my life but I think if I stand my ground and refuse to speak to him anymore what will he do next ! I don't want to think about what he might do when he finally realises he has no control over me. He's been acting indifferent towards me so I thought he's getting bored he's off trawling for new supply maybe so just focus on getting myself better but then he starts and I feel like I just end up pacifying him. Going through the motions. Yes its all my fault I'm too selfish difficult don't care enough whatever ! I feel I want to say look I don't want this anymore you're right. I need to move on and so do I but I feel that that will be like a red rag to a bull and he will do whatever it takes to keep a hold on me or hurt me. The lady from the domestic abuse centre told me that in his head it won't end until he says it will and on his terms and I fear his terms are when he's completely brokken me and left me isolated. I don't know what to do. Its been a hard few weeks trying to maintain NC and get myself feeling able to cope

#8 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #13)

Arwen

It's ok..you're very scared

It's ok..you're very scared right now and for very good reason. The woman at the domestic abuse center - did she offer help or suggestions? Mine would be to document any and every little thing that has happened to you that has been abusive from him, get a restraining order especially since he followed you home and demanded to speak to you, go to the authorities and tell them you are scared to death of him coming after you with even more vengeance if you really do cut him off completely. You must find practical ways right now of protecting yourself. He must not have any access to your car or house/atp. with keys, you must not be where he is, and you need an order of protection if he came on to your property without you knowing he was there. Please let me know what has been suggested to you in terms of protecting yourself. I am here we are all here you are going to get through this. Do you have any good close friends or family you can stay with for awhile? can you move?

#9 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #14)

indenial

they suggested

Pretty much everything you've just said but I can't run away. I've been sick from my job for over six months and I just went back on friday which seems to have coincided with him getting worse again ! My children are teenagers and have their lives and their dad and family here. I won't let him drive me away or out of my comfort zone and away from my home and family and friends. I have to stay and fight. I thought the madness was stopping and I've not had to call the police for a while and the domestic abuse centre contacted me and said they would close my file cos they do after 6 months if you are ok. Well I'm only ok when things go quiet. Its like being back at square one again almost. He needs to let it go. I feel like I'm trying to fathom out the best way to get out with my life intact. What worries me is that the physical abuse doesn't seem to have an impact on me ! As long as he's directing it at me then he's not threatening my ex or my children. Phschologically I'm done in and that's what I need help with

#10 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #15)

Arwen

I know sweetie...read back

I know sweetie...read back you just wrote..Pshychologically I'm done in and that's what I need help with. Listen, I have been in a narc marriage for nineteen years with two little children now and I am in counseling with him twice a week. No he is not abusive in the classic sense, but I checked into a psych unit twice over the last two decades from the severe anxiety and depression the situation was causing me and it still does. Only now I take great medication and have a great therapist and my days are still very hard in this situation but I am able to cope one day at a time because I reached out. I am wishing for you the same exact thing..that you look at the title of your post which was "I so need help", and go take those words to a professional today and let a team of people or one person start to help you. Don't focus on anything else today but reaching out. Do you think you can do that?

#11 Sep 5 - 7AM (Reply to #16)

indenial

its not that easy to get help in the uk

I've seen my doctor for months and they know I'm struggling to get out of an abusive relationship but all they offer is medication which I'm terrified of and a few sessions with the practice counsellor. Can I ask you I hope you don't mind but why do you stay with him ?

#12 Sep 5 - 7AM (Reply to #18)

Arwen

My husband is UK as was his

My husband is UK as was his whole father's side and I worked there for years so I know how the health system works. The insurance they have simply will not cover any mental health as well as medication or would you have to pay out of your pocket for that???

#13 Sep 5 - 7AM (Reply to #17)

Arwen

Well I would be very happy to

Well I would be very happy to talk to you about my relationship, and it's a real long story, but my husband is not abusive as I mentioned in a way that's very obvious. He has depression and anxiety that stem from two of the very worst NPD parents I have ever met or will ever meet in my life - I am sure of it. So he suffers and I have no idea if he will be able to change, but he is a very, very good man and kind and a great father. His moods are a big problem, his lack of passion, his lack of true career ambition or the courage to go about it. So my situation is not the same as yours. I struggle terribly because he and I are very compatible and have been through a great deal together and there is a lot of love - but he cannot express it as I need and I often feel totally alone. He has changed drastically over the years in many ways I must credit him. But I do not know if it will be enough for me sadly. I am staying now because we have two children. I don't know if that answers your question. But what I want to say is that you must take the medication - it will not kill you, and you must be in counseling at least once if not twice a week or more. You know what you need to do. You are second-guessing yourself left and right, and now is the time to center and focus yourself on you, and get the exact help you need. You need to listen to your clinicians, take the meds they prescribe to you, tell them about your fears of the meds and tell them exactly how you are feeling today.

#14 Sep 5 - 6AM

Arwen

Indenial I don't know your

Indenial I don't know your whole story although I have always loved reading your posts so much here. I do seem to remember that you have done this before with him in public and I have been thinking about that for these past few minutes. Did you say that he backhanded a lip-splitting punch to your face?! Oh my dearest of friends, what you have endured is reason enough for you to want to KILL him let alone come at him a little with a drink in you. I don't even know this fucking coward but if I saw him I would strangle him for you if it were legal. I see what's happening...you want and need to hurt him as he hurt you which could not be more understandable, and you are safe hitting him back in public because you know he can't hurt you if there is security around. My huge fear was when you wrote that he was at your side at your place afterwards demanding to talk to you. Well GOOD FOR YOU for saying no, But but but...this is a very dangerous situation you are in. He might kill you the next time. I am serious, and you must take that seriously as well. You must NOT SEE THIS Man anymore, and if you know, as you did just this last time, that you will run into him, you must not enter into a place where you think he will be. You must make that priority in your life no matter how vengeful you are with COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING of that my dear. You must channel the anger to a therapist and a group and us, and you must save your life. MUCH LOVE

#15 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #10)

indenial

i dont know whats keeping me stuck

I still feel brainwashed by him. Maybe I should just say we need a break in order to get myself strong enough to deal with the aftermath of it truly being over between us. I'm up and down like a yo yo

#16 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #11)

Arwen

It does not matter what the

It does not matter what the core issues are right at this very moment that are keeping you stuck. What matters is that you get help for yourself and above all that you tell us all here that you know that you are acting in a very self-destructive manner that could get you pretty badly beaten or worse. I don't care if you have to go to an ER and check yourself into a psych unit. I have been there and was glad I did it. You are drinking, out of control, looking for him to come after you and hurt you (and he will if this continues), and you are very depressed and anxious. Right now, just concentrate on taking some slow, deep breaths, cry as much as you need to, and you must talk to someone TODAY. GO straight to a hospital or clinic today please. I know, I just know you are going to get better if you will ask for some help. Please.

#17 Sep 4 - 6PM

7yeaeritch

You are being too hard on

You are being too hard on yourself. Please be kind to you. Can you get your hands on a book entitled "The Feel Good Book" by David Burns (if you're interested)? It's such a great book for helping you stop expecting more of yourself than you can give right now. I don't know what you did -- except you feel you made a mistake; evidently, you feel you made a big one. We all do. You have so much company. I love the quote from somewhere that (unless you're disordered)"Almost everyone does the best can with what they know and understand at any given moment in time". You did what felt best at that moment. And you will breathe one breath at a time, and it may not feel like it now, but you will heal (or get so close, there's just a scar reminding you of directions not to go in in the future). Hugs to you. Hug yourself.

#18 Sep 5 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

indenial

thankyou

Ill try and get hold of a copy. I think I worry too much what other people think

#19 Sep 4 - 5PM

Hunter

Darn,, explain??? Do you see

Darn,, explain??? Do you see a therapist ?? Next time call me instead! Hunter

#20 Sep 5 - 5AM (Reply to #5)

indenial

i should have called you :(

I've been trying to not break NC but he keeps turning up etc so I've just been giving no emotional reaction whatsoever because I can really see that he wants me to be suffering and missing him and not coping with life without him and although I am struggling I won't let him think that for a minute ! Anyway it was a friends birthday at the weekend I was in two minds whether to go out because he will make sure I see him and with alcohol my resolve weakens. Anyway I went out with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and true to form all of the above happened ! He was about so I saw him I was drunk so I let him get my head spinning and I lost it ! Punched him kicked him had the doormen carry me out while he stood there loving the attention and playing the martyr saying to the doormen don't hurt her ! He loved it ! Made me look crazy ! I felt awful and ashamed of myself the next morning but resolved to hold my head up high. I know the truth and I've taken more than enough abuse from him. Anyway the next day I was sitting outside my house in my car and he suddenly turns up and opens my car door( I didn't see him coming). He says we need to talk after last night. I said no we don't I don't care and I don't care what anyone thinks so don't waste your time trying to make me feel bad and he gave me a backhander right in the face and split my lip open and what did I do ? Nothing ! I composed myself and said to him I'm not scared of you hit me if it makes you feel better but you will never break me. I then walked in my house. Its awful. I'm so tired. I can't fight him.

#21 Sep 5 - 10AM (Reply to #6)

Hunter

Indenial

He's a fucker!! I hate him for you ! I think if the Dr suggests medication, take it! I'm not a pill popper but I needed it and it helped! You don't get a tooth drilled without nova cane (sp). Look they did go thru years of school they must know more than you. Next, your head is telling you he's bad for you and that's a good thing! You are getting better even thought you don't think so. You see how ignoring him is working? Now he is working harder to beat you down, don't let this idiot win. Pick yourself and start over! You will win!! Hunter

#22 Sep 4 - 11AM

58 and going strong

The others already said it:

The others already said it: You are o.k., it happened and cannot be undone, but don't give him the power of controlling your life, your thoughts so much right now. Try to be with someone you trust, family or a friend, or an emergency therapist - just lean on and try to forgive yourself: forgive and you shall be forgiven! We have all been there, and it will pass. Not sure about your story right now - do you have to see/meet him at all? If not, NC, NC, NC - they know how to push our buttons. Learn what your buttons are and shut/cut them off. Big hug to you. You are loved!

#23 Sep 4 - 6AM

Anabelle

it's ok

You went crazy. Ok. so what? I hope you hit him hard. Because he hit really hard your heart as well. Don't even think a minute of him. This outburst shows you how deeply hurt you are and that you have the power to stand up for yourself. Do you have anybody to hang out with? It would be great if you could talk to someone who is there to hug you... or you can ask for professional help. When I was at the end, I went to the critical psychology service to a hospital, because I was so desperate...it helped me a lot. maybe an option for you :)

#24 Sep 4 - 5AM

Sparrow

Indenial

You are being WAY too hard on yourself. There is nothing you can do to turn back time and change what happened. You did it, you snapped, and you became violent towards him. All the things he wanted you to do. Don't give him the power that you are giving him right now! It's done and over with and you have to let go of it, otherwise he will continue to win. Find a way to convince yourself that it wasn't as bad as you think. It probably wasn't......... Hang in there! Stay strong and continue to fight the fight!

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