im so ashamed

my exnarc the last year we were together, asked me if he found a clean guy would i do it with him, he had just said how uptight i was earlier , so i said yes,if he would watch us, {I really would not}, he looked stunned at me and I said that to you,the narc, for the' shock value', he looked dumbfounded at me and never said said anything after that.It amazed him that i would take him up on the offer but like i said, I never could,maybe in my dreams.............they are all sex perverts, sad if i had ever done anythng like that,my narc would have done the same thing as yours did and use it against me as ammunition, and used the whore word...........

Oh goodness...I am so sorry for the pain and humiliation you suffered at the hands of this, this...I really cannot think of a word vile enough to use here. You are a brave and powerful woman to share this horror with us. Sadly, I have been there. Narc before last asked me to and I did...while he watched from the closet. The three of us were colleagues and on an out of town business trip. The guy was hitting on me all night, and when I told Narc about it, he was suddenly possessed with his plan and wouldn't let up. The man worked with us and didn't know that Narc was in the closet. I was crying throughout, but the guy didn't notice. Once he was done and left, Narc came out of the closet, said "meh...that wasn't as cool as I thought it would be" and proceeded to do his business with me. Tearstained face and all. That was the end of relationshit with the Narc. But the other guy kept coming after me. I eventually had to leave a job that I loved because of both of them. I am so ashamed that I did that and would never have shared it if you hadn't started the thread. I had to get up and go vomit while writing this down. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that you are not alone. Amazing to me now that this incident didn't bring me to my knees and six years later, I again let myself fall for another narc who was equally abusive, just in different ways. Big tight hug for you, Saphire. Lynn

We all have put up with unimaginable mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse, all in the name of LOVE and receiving just a shread of it back from these subhuman aliens. When I was in my "anger" "get real" stage. I would walk around my house, cleaning it, from HIS FILTH (he was an auto mechanic, and there was dirt, grime, and grease on everything). He wasn't one for cleaning up AFTER HIMSELF and over the months the house was FILTHY. I would get out cleaning fluids and start to spray EVERYTHING and then I would begin shouting at the top of my lungs; Fucking piece of shit. Fucking loser. Fucking dirty filthy disgusting evil devil man from hell. I cannot believe I let this human waste into my house, my life, my body. WTF was I thinking? I hate him, I want him out out out out of my life NEVER to return. He is the devil the devil the devil. GET AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACk, you evil disgusting, lying, cheating, drug addicted, cheese eating, black sambucca guzzling, junk food, junk minded, junk acting, smelly disgusting foul, stupid, fucking freak of nature. Anyway, I would clean, listening to music, shouting what he was and why did I put up with his BULLSHit and lack of LOVE, CARING, and ANY HELP WITH ANYTHING. Sometimes I would cry, and other times I would shout. This went on off and on for a few weeks and then I was done for the most part with the bulk of it. It came in waves after that and then ripples and then not much at all. That anger and sadness and basiic HORROR at our OWN selves for putting up with them all NEEDS to COME OUT. WE cannot keep it inside and allow it to poison us. If you cannot do it in your house the beach is a great place or inside of your car in a remote area or on the highway with the windows closed. If you think you are going to freak out pull over. Sometimes getting a bat and a pillow and pretending the pillow is him is a good one. or One day i threw a bunch of his shit into the driveway and watched it break, that was a good one, or course I had to go out and clean up the mess and the neighbors may have taken notice. I did not care at that point, it was either, get the anger and sadness out OR wind up in a psyche unit and I was not going to do that after all he put me through. We are all different yet all the same. I did not go through any sexual weirdness, yet he did almost destroy my home with his angry outbursts. Holes in the walls, dents in my car, and many broken things in my home. Also he shoved, me pushed me down, spit on me, threw me across the room, called me bad names. He lied to me, cheated on me, stole all my money, told people I was crazy, and left me with nothing, not even food for me or the dog. I was left in a heap on the floor with NOTHING but ME. How could this happen to someone who seemed to have a great life? HOW? I still had severe low self esteem issue's inside of me from years ago and he was able to bring them out in me. I went from severe anger at him to myself to crying to feeling numb and through it all I got all of these feeling out PLUS the old feelings of low self worth from childhood and I feel like a different person now. I AM a different person now. Believe it or not, I do not hate him anymore or wish any harm to to come his way. Don't get me wrong if harm did come his way, I would not care, lol. I just do not plan revenge or think about harming him anymore. I mostly do not think about him anyway. He is not my present or my future. He is ONLY someone that I USED TO KNOW and KNOW Is not even the right word. Maybe someone who I THOUGHT I KNEW. HE NO LONGER HAS ANY CONTROL OVER ME and it took GETTING IT OUT and letting GO of the SHAME. The wounds that bind us to our perpertrator can be LET GO of in time and by doing the work, it is a process and one day you wake up AND THEY ARE GONE. THEY NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD ON US. YOU will get there, Admitting what was done to you is a HUGE BIG STEP, GETTING IT OUT, is cleansing for us and you will benefit by sharing this, I promise you that and in time the rest will come. I will keep you in my prayers. You will feel better in time, he is NOT the important one here, YOU are and YOU will heal from this and the SUN will shine again. I KNOW, I saw it shinning on all of us YESTERDAY. God bless, Goldie P.S. our support group is starting very shortly and we still have a few openings. This what be fantasitc for anyone who is ready and serious about their recovery. You go to additional supports on the left of this page and sign up for the GOLD membership and you are ready to go. I will be there and I will help you walk through what you need to in order to recovery from this and GET YOUR LIFE BACK.....RECLAIM YOUR HEART AND SOUL. TOGETHER WE CAN DO WHAT WE CANNOT DO ALONE!!!

horribly shameful day for me to talk about...so hopefully it will help you feel not so alone! Anyway, that crazy guy i was just talking about---Well him and i were both on meth at the time. One morning, after being up for 4 nights, i returned to his apt after staying away for a night because of him turning mean on me. So i get in the door and he starts calling me names right away, assuming i was with a man, etc. I was not emotionally stable at all and did something really stupid. I grabbed a pair of scizzors and slit my arm out of rage, and self-hate. It was meant to be just a tactic to get his pity, and to make him feel bad , little did i know he had no concience.Alao i had no idea the scizzors were that sharp! Blood spurted out almost to the ceiling, and i yelled at him to hand me a towel which he did. He was afraid of getting in trouble of course, so didnt want me to die in his apt, but as soon as he could see i was going to be okay, he started yelling again. He forced me to do something really sick and degrading, with my arm like that. He said if i didnt do it that he would hurt my arm, which was already requiring stitches and hurt too much to even move. So I didnt make it out of that house without him getting his sick thrills first. I was wearing a white shirt, now with blood all down the front of it. I had actually picked that shirt and bought it a day or 2 before because of it bieng white. It looked so clean, and i wanted to feel clean (but didnt, because of this stuff that i kept putting myself through). Further humiliation came when a couple cops out of the bunch that were called for me came, and were actually mocking me for my hysterical crying. Even before this incident, i felt shame which is why i went back to the apt of that mean crazy guy, because i couldnt face society. I know this story is a little extreem, but YES i understand shame. Don't worry. Those things you did was NOT the true person you are inside. Its not wasted pain. I dont regret the past. When we make mistakes and go through things, it makes us more compassionate and more understanding. Forgive yourself.

you wanted to be loved & were with someone who exploited that desire. You just hold your head up with pride.

He was really whacked out. Drugs was a part of this though in my case. This was years ago. Anyway, the guy used to keep nagging me to make up stories of me being with other men. I'de keep refusing at first and insisting that Im not going to say it because I didnt do it. Then his nagging would wear me down, and Ide finally go along with it and tell him stories about what I supposedly did with other men....then he'd get upset and call me a slut, etc. It was really wierd and confusing. Its not just you. I know how it feels to be worn-down emotionally and / or physically by men like him, to the point of doing things that is NOT the real "you". I too have done things with certain men that I never wanted to for alot of unhealthy reasons, including just trying to be loved. Thats what you wanted, just to be loved.

He's got some serious demented issues!!!! My exN tried to get me to have sex with one of his friends in front of him when we first started seeing each other. I remember sitting on the couch and him on the other couch trying to get me to do it while his friend was trying to take my clothes off. I remember starting to get emotionally upset and it didn't even faze him, he just kept telling me to go along with it. When the tears started flowing out of my eyes and down my cheeks was when he stopped his friend. After that I remember him telling me, "I wouldn't have gotten mad if you did it with him, but I have alot of respect for you." At that time, I didn't know what he was and only thought that I had earned his respect. Now I know so differently! I've figured out that he was doing that for several reasons: 1. Testing to see how loyal I was to him and how far he could push me. 2. Trying on some level to make himself feel less guilty about him screwing around on me behind my back. That make sense??