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I'm a shell

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#1 Jun 3 - 4AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

I'm a shell

I am a shell of who I used to be.
4 years I ago I had dreams, ambitions, a sense of humour.
This man took everything and left me an empty shell, a shadow of who I once was.
I know what he is and that he can't help it , but that doesn't stop the hurt.
I've been sick this week so taking steps to get out of the house has been hard, plus I have a baby.
How do I get passed this?
My entire value for the last 4 years has revolved around him, it's hard to break the cycle.
Sorry if this is a pity party, I'm just feeling really low.
It's so hard facing the reality that the person I was going to marry and had a baby with can treat me with such disregard and has never loved me at all..

Jun 3 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Littleone

Early on, this takes you down, I had a similar reaction and I think most of us have. For a month I could not speak. I also understand you have a little one. I wrote in one of my blogs what the early experience was like...I've been there. Take it slowly, understand this is a normal reaction and part of the process. If you don't have a threapist/counselor now would be a good time to try to find one but if not you do have the forum although we cannot substitute or profess to be a replacement for medical advice. I suggest you get a pair of sunglasses just in case your eyes are puffy and try to force yourself out of the house ONCE a day. What I did was switch to Iced Coffee so I had to walk two blocks daily to get it. I fought, I screamed, I kicked, I dreaded it but I forced myself out it was as if I was clinging for dear life. I too felt like a shell. When you get to the other side you feel much better but the early days are hard. My son's dad, I'm not sure what he is, but he had high tendencies. I was abandoned at two months pregnant BUT I say this...that baby is yours forever, that baby is the one who will love you no matter what if you do things right...and that baby is a blessing and a gift...focus on the beauty of that...I really feel for you hun...but I've been there too - alone raising a baby...literally alone after a week of giving birth sleep deprived c-section and all...you can and will survive...be kind to yourself...it is you and that baby against the world. Hugs!
Jun 3 - 6AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Littleone

read my post" Im UPSET" Its time to get you back. Babysteps, He is a deal evil soul, hopeless. Just go day to day and soon you will get your groove back. Hunter
Jun 3 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

I have hunter. I most

I have hunter. I most definately have. Almost made me cry this morning. And yes it most certainly put things into perspective this morning. It's been almost three months but it's still relatively fresh, and I go up and down. I guess I feel im mourning a death too, not anywhere near the level of that poor woman, but a death all the same. It saddens me that my son has a father who does not love him and only wants him to fulfil his own needs- image etc. Look at it from the other side, I am eternally grateful that we have escaped. But unfortunately due to the laws here, my son will be exposed to this evil creature and there's not a Damm thing I can do about it.
Jun 3 - 6AM
Littleone
Littleone's picture

Thankyou both so much. Your

Thankyou both so much. Your comments are so spot on. I like that you called him an 'it'. That is what he is. It's incredible and scary that there is such evil in the world. It is a much darker place than I ever thought possible. I'm trying so hard to work on my feelings. But have CD bigtime. I guess part of the human nature is to hope, but there really is no hope for these creatures. He doesn't love me and he doesnt love his own son, he demonstrated it time and time again when we were together. It's so sad! How can someone not love their own child? Be jealous of the attention I give that child?! It's insane. I think I just answered my own question- he's insane. Hugs to you Xox
Jun 3 - 5AM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

It's the only way out of the cognitive hell

It's the only way out of the hell your in is to admit in your heart, not just your head, that it never loved you. I know it hurts. It hurts like no other pain. It hurts on so many levels. We were betrayed, lied too, abused. I had to fight for my sanity. I had to admit that I betrayed myself. I had to forgive myself, not him. Walk through the pain. We are here to help you, support you. Once you get through it, the truth, that you were nothing but supply. You start to heal. Love Jen
Jun 3 - 5AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Littleone you will feel like

Littleone you will feel like this for a while and its is important to have a "pity party " that is what you need right now , its part of the realization that you have been in an abusive relationship and you where conned by an eveil psycopath .Its time to wrap youre self in a blanket and do what you like to do when you feel like doing it , lots of hot baths , good movies and youre girlfriends and the board close by . Nothing can prepair you for the grief and disbelieve which hits us after a narc dose his "nice knowing you see ya " act , it is mind bending that he will switch off from you as easy as changing a channel on the TV ... We are here for you .. read all you can twise , three times over and in time it will make sence .. Big hugs Scoop xx