I'm really irritated with myself...

15 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 4 - 9PM

highlander

I'm really irritated with myself...

I'm really irritated with myself. I didn't officially break NC, but maybe I did. The thing about it is, nothing particular has happened, but I spent ALL day, and I mean all day, composing a response to my ExNW. After 10 months, I was mentally composing a FU email, just in case I heard from her. What a waste of time!!

A few days ago, I went to an amazing rock concert, with probably the best drummer out there today. My ex, former, what the hell ever he is now, step-son, has been taking drum lessons for years. I have taken him to a number of hard rock shows. His mom, my exNW, hates it, but it's what we do for our kids, right? So during this entire show, I was thinking about him, and how he would have loved to be there. I wish he was. What I DID do was to burn a copy of the CD and send it to him, at his mom's house, with a benign little note:

"I went to these guys concert last night. It was absolutely amazing. It’s serious hard rock, as you will here on this CD. As I was watching, I was wishing that I had brought you to see it. You would have loved it! The drummer was the best I have ever seen, and you know who I’ve seen, with an unbelievable kit. Just listen to what he is able to do! The guitar player and bassist are by far the best out there, right now. Enjoy this.
Are you still playing your drums? I hope so. You had the makings of a really good drummer. I hope you are doing well with your EMT training.

I miss you and love you, Pal, and your brother and sister as well…"

Benign, right? I realized that this was a way of breaking NC, and felt like an idiot. I was on a trip to a beautiful part of Washington State, and where was my mind the entire time? Wondering if he had received it, wondering if she had tossed it in the trash, read the note or what. Realizing that I may very well hear from her. I spent the whole damn day composing the FU email to her, saying things that I have been wanting to say for 9 months. It's been 9 months NC. Two of my very close confidants told me that I really screwed up, that I had ulterior motives, and I was still just keeping myself tied to her, albeit through her son. I think that they are right.

NC has been a double edged sword for me. On one hand, she knows nothing of me, at all, and I've broken my pattern of reaching out and repairing things. It's different now, as she had someone else waiting, but at least I didn't follow my pattern, and I left her be. On the other hand, all I am left with is constant guessing about her, speculation and wondering. I haven't a clue what is going on. You guys call it fantasy thinking, right Hunter? It's all what I make up in my mind. I am trying so hard to see her as PD, and I think that she is (after 5 years, many ups and downs, she blindsided me by dumping me with a text and an email), but since I know nothing, I'm just left with guessing. That's bad for me...

So, there you have it. I guess I did break NC. No, not with her, but I did put something under her nose. I feel so bad for the kids. They welcomed me to the family, became my kids too, then, ZIP...nothing. She has done this several times before with other men, and they have been forced to endure her changing the men in their lives.

The point here is how this minor(?) break in NC has made me feel. Not only am I still guessing and wondering about her, now I have to prepare myself for a possible contact from her. SHIT!!! Maybe, maybe not. Since I know nothing at all, anything is possible.

Thanks for listening. I know that I am a weak suck, but being here with you has illuminated many things, and I feel your concern. I will be so, so very glad when I don't give a shit anymore. It's coming and I feel it, but it's taking it's sweet time about doing it...

#2 Oct 5 - 7AM

Hunter

DUDE CHILL!!!

Geeze, cut yourself some slack!! I knew you broke NC in your last post, it's fine... You are hurt this is a child you feel for him and the damage your absence is causing him too!! That said, you are obsessing, you need to stop, you are creating drama in your head when there is non, sorry to break it to you buddy but she is not thinking about you for one minute! She sounds disordered, you need to think of her as such, non human, a robot, you are giving her way too much credit by humanizing her. I guess I sound cold, I've been there done that , still do it sometimes. As far as a fuck you letter, have at it, but DON'T send it to her!! Tell us. Look it's done, there is no closure you were involved with Mrs. Count Dracula, take it day by day,vent here and keep reading!! Happy Hump Day Hunter

#3 Oct 5 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

highlander

Hi Hunter - No, you don't

Hi Hunter - No, you don't sound cold, you sound like the voice of experience and reason. I know that I'm obsessing. Come on, it's 10 months already, and all along, I felt that she had her emotional bags packed by the door, so I shouldn't be surprised. It's like a song that you hate, that keeps running around in your head, and you can't make go away. I just need a better song, and it will evaporate. I won't hear from her, so it's a mute point, but the real point is how this minor breach of NC left me feeling. It just gave me a whole day of self-inflicted negativity. I posted here yesterday instead of writing that FU letter. That got it out of my system. I'm wasting no more time or energy thinking about that. Nothing good would have come from it, and the voices of reason, hear, help me to get beyond it. I know she's a vampire. I am still leaking a little blood from my woulds, but she is sucking someone else's blood (and spirit) right now, and he deserves what he gets. The kid thing has me bugged, I admit it!!!

#4 Oct 5 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

Hunter

BRAMST

Its been ten long months for you. The reality is it took you 10 months to figure out her problem. it took me twenty years and several rounds of abuse. Give yourself a little credit. The thing is once you figure this Narc stuff out its easier to move forward and there will be a bigger brighter narc free future. Again they cause a major distuptiion in our lives with only us left to clean up a big mess. I had one big sloppy mess to clean up. Im still not past the anger stage myself. Hunter

#5 Oct 5 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

highlander

It's weird, Hunter, I feel

It's weird, Hunter, I feel like a dope for letting this ghost infest my spirit for 10 months. I've been through break-ups in the past, and they just didn't affect me like this, or persist like this one has. I've spent time thinking about it. I, too, was in a 25 year relationship. I was married to her for 20. She had a bad case of clinical depression, that I ended up not being able to deal with. We are good friends now. What strikes me is this. When I met my recent exN, we had so much fun together, she wasn't depressed and I thought that THAT was what it was supposed to be like. We were SO close, that I thought I had finally found what I was looking for in a partner. Yeah, I ignored her meltdowns and red flags, believing it was menopause based, and we were strong enough to get through. Obviously, I was wrong, but since I believed so much in our tremendous connection, it has been much tougher this time. Fine, so be it. You are a big help, Hunter. You see through bullshit, and call a spade a spade, and I really do appreciate it. I will get there... B

#6 Oct 5 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Hunter

Just because I cut to the

Just because I cut to the chase doesn't mean it doesn't hurt! I still hurt, at this point ,why bother.. It's time to go forward.. Yes, you'll get there. Hunter

#7 Oct 5 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

highlander

Yes I will. I feel it

Yes I will. I feel it coming. Thanks for being there, Hunter!

#8 Oct 5 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

Crazy Train

I love the Robot analogy.

I love the Robot analogy. That has actually worked well for me. My narc even had movements like a friggin robot. But he said it was because he has cervical damage in his back, hence his taking pain killers.....on which he is addicted. His stare is completely blank when he looks at something. Almost like his pupils are just a black, open hole to no where. Very weird.

#9 Oct 4 - 11PM

Caligirl

Bramst, your irritation with yourself is a good sign bc

it means you are seeing the futility of your thoughts and actions perhaps. Fantasy thinking at play here, yes, but a whole lot of obsession going on (sounds like an Elvis song, haha). The fact that you missed all that beautiful country in Washington is indicative of that (I've flown to Seattle a few times and it is one of my favorite cities). As for the letter with the CD, it was lengthy and sounds like you are trying too hard, ulterior motives? Maybe. I think what you really want is validation from her, especially bc of the way she ended it. I so relate, but you need to find your own validation from within, and then you will get closer to indifference. The way these Ns discard us is disgraceful, but we can't change them or get them to see the light. They're so blanketed by darkness, it's impossible for even a sliver of light to reach them. There would be nothing wrong if you were to have a friendship with the son, if he also wanted that, but it will keep you connected, as you well know and admit. My exN had a teenage son I was also fond of, we bonded and had a trusting r/s. He wants to someday leave his hometown even. I cut all ties bc it was best, but we weren't married or together long. It's sad to lose the other r/s's as well. Hopefully, you won't hear from your ex, but even if you do, you should not send a letter. I know how tempting it is to want to unload, but they only see it as supply, won't understand it, use it against you to say your "crazy" or "cruel," and use it to reinforce themselves that they were right. My exN is always the aspriring country musician. Even went to that famous country city __ to try and make it, said someone stole his song (his poor me/pity me story I think). He left empty handed. I've read the music industry is riddled with Ns. Wish I would have known beforehand. I think you should focus on yourself and not what she is doing. I will never know what happens with my ex, but he's out of my life now, so I don't think about that. Whatever he is doing and with whom doesn't concern or interest me anymore. He isn't hurting me anymore and whoever he is with will only experience more of the shabby treatment I got...eventually. He can't sustain what I got in the idealization phase, that fantasy, he is disordered, an empty shell. I want more. Hang in there! Focusing on YOU will help you get ready for someone new who is normal and who may be just around the corner!! Chin up.

#10 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

highlander

Hi Caligirl, Thanks. Yeah, I

Hi Caligirl, Thanks. Yeah, I really hope this passes without incident. I had a ripping good tell-off letter all ready to go!! I'll certainly be able to stay NC if she does get in touch. It's crappy that we have to give up the kids too, as well as my kitty and the dogs, among other things. You're so right about just how disgracefully she ended things. Unbelievable, really. People here have said that in itself, is proof of her NPD. That does explain things, a bit. It just proves that we were always going to be here. I saw the red flags, but ignored them. Those are the last red flags I will ever ignore... B

#11 Oct 5 - 2AM (Reply to #7)

Caligirl

Bramst, you're welcome

Glad to hear you'll be able to maintain n/c, even though it sounds like you were prepared with a good letter. Yes, I think about his son often. We played music together and were pretty close. His mother did not encourage his music, and he once told me how he talks to me like he could never talk with her. Once, I was talking to my dog, and he said how motherly I am, and sounded like a real mom. He was relaxed with me and nervous around his dad, having spilled 3 cokes at dinner once on accident. He yearns for unconditional love. His father is always gone. I'm rambling. Anyway, at least you got the feelings out with the letter. I sometimes write those kinds of F U letters in my head, haha. I also had to say good-bye to his farm dog and 5 cats (1 favorite which followed me everywhere). So sad. He doesn't show them much affection or attention. I do have my own dog still:) Sorry about the loss of your kitty and dog. I left my exN, but endings with a PSI are rarely nice and neat. Closure is next to impossible really. They don't allow it, and IT IS a sign of the disorder. The confusion we feel is a sign. The ease with which they cut us off is a sign. They've done it before, and they'll do it again. It takes US time to get over it, bc we're NORMAL, and we THOUGHT we were having a normal r/s. Looking back, I missed the red flags, and yes, I will be so much more aware of them next time, but we should not be hard on ourselves. I had hope that I found real love, as he said "soulmates," something I hadn't thought of in years. It had gone by the wayside. He was charming, talking about finding each other so late in life and treasuring a beautiful love. They even fool therapists, so we should really go easy on ourselves. Yes, I'm so talking to myself here!!! Ugg. I guess this is what it took for me to learn the red flags and HEED them. Good luck, B!

#12 Oct 4 - 11PM

TNR1

Welcome Bramst....I think

Welcome Bramst....I think we've all found ways to break NC that we considered benign...but in fact, is any break in NC benign? What stinks is that you can't have a normal relationship with her kids. You can't send her son a CD and not have it somehow be supply for her. That is what is messed up...not you. Another horrible aspect of breaking NC is what ends up happening to our psyche. We start to feel the same way we did when we were with the N, off balance and in constant fight/flight mode. At least you figured out that you were breaking NC and now you can prepare yourself in the event that she does try to contact you and you can start again with NC. It's definately not an easy road, but it's truly the only road.

#13 Oct 5 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

highlander

Yeah, no response or hate

Yeah, no response or hate mail from me, if she does get in touch. I hate the idea that I may have provided her more "supply"! The kid thing really does suck. As I am number 4 or 5, I think that they are used to it. Not a very good example for any of them. I think that her daughter, who I love, may be on the same path as her mom, and that makes me sick...

#14 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Bramst

You, keep saying if she comes back.... That's your hope, then what? Go back? If she comes back you are going to IGNORE and Delete! Hunter

#15 Oct 5 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

Crazy Train

B, listen to Hunter. She is

B, listen to Hunter. She is right. I used to secretly hope the N would even TRY to contact me as some kind of validation that he really did love me. That never happened, with the exception of one blank text he sent. Otherwise, he's been silent. Probably still thinks he's punishing me for calling him out on his bs and breaking up with him. You will feel better with each passing day. Just focus on one day at a time. It's a slow process, so be patient with yourself :)

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