I'm medicating and feel hopeless

I have been doing all the right things. I decided instead of reading on his disorder, I would stop and start putting the focus on me and MY issues of what MY problem is that I would allow myself to be abused repeatedly even after I had a pretty good idea of what this person was.

I have taken the steps to go no contact. I made a decision that he will never be allowed to hurt me again, I'm angry, I know I deserve love, not abuse. I have been reading the books.....i have been reaching out to God.

I just found out that my car is shot, I am going to have to struggle in major ways in order to get another one, and I have a deadline. I need therapy, but I cannot afford to spend a dime right now.

I'm doing the right things, after reading that book yesterday,i realize this is a trauma bond, and I understand what that means....but it does not change the fact that I feel BONDED to this man. I feel as if I am being HAUNTED at all times and that the connection is still very real, even though he's far away and knee deep in supply,i cannot get him out of my h ead tonight. I have tried doing meditation cds, prayer, begging god for relief, you name it. For a moment I thought of giving him supply...just pouring my heart out in an email, knowing how much he would love that and get off on my pain.....i guess this is truly withdrawal.....and I was so desperate for relief that I am drinking right now, this pain is unbearable,i cannot accept that I will never see him again, it feels unreal because every time I thought this before,i always ended up seeing him again, but this time he is gone, literally he is on the other side of the country, and to be honest,it is unbearable. I want these chains broken....but they are not breaking. He's out with new whores, and I'm sitting home on a friday night drinking in despair over him. If he knew this he would be ecstatic. Its not fair, I want to recover,im doing what I know to do, and getting nowhere. I miss him. I want contact. But I won't. Never. Its a pride thing now. I told him off and my word is all I have left. Im fucking dying inside.