I'm an a-hole

When will I learn?

I looked G and what appears to be the OW he settled on (the Brazillian, for those of you keeping track). Damn you, social media. This time it was instagram. I'm such an a-hole. Anyway, there they are all smiley and happy and pictures of their apartment-" home sweet home". Barf. And she has this stupid runty midget dog with a damn bow in its hair. No offense to anyone with a tiny dog, I'm sure yours is lovely. But seriously, how many times did he tell me he hated dogs smaller than a football??? Oh, and he DYED his hair!!! No more salt-n-Peppa for our narc! No way! He dyed it this unnatural dark color. Looks awful. And it appears that he's whitened his teeth. Which of course you'd have to do, right? Of course.

Smiling ear to ear. So happy together.

He picked her. He did. You can all tell me again that he hasn't changed but it appears he has. And I know it shouldn't matter. But tonight it does. He picked her. And as F'ed up as it is, it makes me feel inadequate or "less than" her. He. Picked. Her.

And really, if we're going to get all cyber-therapy (as we should at 1:30am), it's really NOT about him. ((sigh)) Not at all. Today should have been my 10th wedding anniversary w my (non-narc) exhusband. And that's why I'm sad. Because my life, while it is wonderful and special and fullfilling in so many ways, did not turn out the way I expected it would. And if ex-h and I hadn't gotten divorced (it's mostly amicable & fell apart over stress of our daughters health problems), I never would have met G. I never would have gone through this. I would be celebrating 10 years and maybe have had more babies. I woulda shoulda coulda....

G was the first time I seriously entertained being w someone long term post-divorce. And it turns out that I wasn't what he wanted afterall. And he hurt me in the process of figuring that out. Maybe he just realized I wasn't the one, and didn't know how to get out of it? Maybe I misunderstood him when he said he loved me, I was the only one, I was the mother of his future children, I was his heart? Maybe he said it because he knew it was what I wanted to hear. Maybe he didn't mean to hurt me. Maybe he just fell in love with her and didn't know how to tell me. You any help who you love. Maybe it was my fault.

But that can't be, can it? Can I have misconstrued EVERYTHING so badly? I always thought I was fairly smart. But sometimes I just question eveything. Still. I play it all back in my head. I try to see it as objectively as possible. And I get so confused. Was it even real? Or am I just a basket case that fabricated every moment? Maybe I'm just a woman who had my heart broken. Maybe I'm just a bitter ex? Maybe I've lost my mind?

It had been 8 months, 1 week since I got that last email that confirmed the nightmare was real. Aside from him trying to friend me on FB 3 months ago, and me being an a-hole tonight, there had been no contact. Will I always have nights like this? Is it like grief, when someone dies? It gets better but doesn't go away? If that's the case, this is hell. Will I always question?

I know there is nothing new to be said here. I know there's no magic revelation that will clarify any of this for me. I think I'm just venting. Thanks for listening & as always for te support.

S.