i'm having a terrible day

He gave you a car so soon and all the other things so that he could hook you and make you less likely to want to leave. We hear all about rich couples where the husband treats her like dirt yet she doesnt leave because she got used to having such nice things and not worrying about paying for her dinner...or anything else she needs. Its a powerful drug, and these N's know it. They use that $$$, if they have any, to look generous and make you feel like you are a greedy money grubbing ungrateful whore when you leave them. Geez, you are NOT too old to start over. And ifyou really want to get married and start a family, you can have that, too. God/Universe wants you to be happy....its not always about pain thru lessons, etc. When you are healed and ready, and WISER, then it will happen. Keep the faith, girl.

The ex-Psych professor's colleagues were concerned about my involvement with him. Once, I made a comment to a friend about how my professors were so caring and encouraging, and my friend said, "It's because Mr. T--- is always tearing you down." 99% of my college professors were excellent. The ex-P was the 1%. Did I feel hurt after the D&D? I did. Did I feel like a loser? Yes. My professors didn't like how he treated me... so the fact I didn't end up marrying him was probably a big sigh of relief to them! Not to mention the fact some of them didn't trust me because I was with him. I remember that quote about how Ns/Ps only keep enablers, gossips and bullies close to them... so that rejection was a gift in disguise.

coulda, woulda, shouda wow if that narc ex of yours read this post, because making you doubt yourself is what his goal was and is. And making you financially dependant on him was his best tool. I too have a narc with a job who pays the bills. Big bloody deal!!! so he should for the bullshit ive had to tolerate. sorry to put a big pin in your selfpity bubble but I dont think hes ready or deserving of spawning children now even if ge still was with you. watching your children beaten like you were, thats soul killing, so call it what it is ABUSE and stop selfblaming, if you carry on like this ge may come back for a visit and knock you up just to keep you down and pregnant with his poison seed. well done to our ladies who called him on his horseshit, now you do the same my dear YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL Fierflei xx A

You did nothing wrong. You were a victim. Educate yourself and read all you can get your hands on. What you are going through is the deprogramming phase of recovery. It is normal and expected. Yes you will survive. No one has ever died from this although we have felt like it. We survived and you will too!!! This idea of dating should be the last worry right now fierfly. Restoring your sanity should be first priority so you can function in a semi normal state. Worry about dating when you get to that point. You have plenty of time for that but your loosing precious time for yourself right now. Work on YOU! xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

You say, "I know, i know, 18 months. but what is going to change is the dating world at that time? the guys will still be the same." Yes they will. But YOU will be different.

Fierflie... I don't know if ya ever listened to or embraced the post I posted awhile back. ~And here it is again... just for u :) ---->> see the "PS" bellow b4 listening

Fierflie...listen to Nancy, Jen, Vulcan and Shortway AND I am going to add my two cents: Just recently, I spoke to a friend that has been married for twenty years. She has three children. They seemed like a fairly functional couple. She is very spiritual/religious but doesn't push it down anyone's throat. Actually, from some of the things she does, you'd never know it...but she has a firm foundation on the principals of the word. I'm setting this up for you hun. HE also seemed to have the same values. They appeared to have a good understanding of one another. They made me wish I had their kind of relationship. Just last week, she shared with me, that they had been having problems. She yearned for them to spend more quality time together. She expressed she was "tortured" by his silence. He said to her: I pay the bills, you have the kids to worry about - end of story he thought as long as he provided, she had no say so. She again, presented her case and said she was lonely. He beat the crap outta her. Whats the lesson here? You don't want to be my friend twenty years from now. Stop beating yourself up and look at the information that is being presented. You did not do this. Yes, self examination is vital; however, not to the extent where you feel you could have bent more to make someone else happy. You are who you are and next time around, you will just try harder to find someone who is more in tune with your needs. There is a shoe for every foot. AND 31 is young. Hugs

if i could have somehow made it work, i could have gotten anything i wanted. Let me finish this for you If I was prettier If I was smarter If I was sexier If i had just done everything he wanted when HE wanted How HE wanted...him him him. Do you see where this is going? To him honey, you were bought and paid for. You were his property to do with whatever he wished. You were just a possession, not a person in your own right. You would never have gotten anything you wanted, because your needs do not and will never count to him. Sure there are promises, but they don't materialize because you can be sure at the eleventh hour, YOU did something wrong. On and on it goes. Finances are nothing to them but a tool. Whether they are taking ours, or using it as a means of control, it is still just a tool. 31? You still have it all in front of you. Ok you have left your 20s behind, and are going to come out of this much much stronger and wiser. Nothing to panic about. At 31, I had just left my 2nd N relationship. I stayed alone for about 3 to 4 years just getting my head right again. Unfortunately nobody told me about Narcs so I unwittingly waltzed right into another one at 35. I often wish I could hit the rewind button knowing what I know now, but that is not to be. I can only look forward. Point is, as you come to believe in yourself again, and rid yourself of the poison he has infected you with, you are not going to let another one of these men into your life again. There are still plenty of nice guys out there, and a lucky guy is already out there waiting just for you. But you don't need to find him just yet, first you must nurture YOU.

you make a big mistake here. That he provided you with money and gifts doesnt mean, that he is a decent guy and YOU just brought out the devil in him. Giving you money means just that - giving you money. I worked 6 years for a total pedophile, psycho, utter pig BOSS, his tactic was always the same, find a lost young soul, that is in need for help, that has no good parents who protect her, help her out with money and give her attention like crazy, idealize her - and then expect her to do the things, you want her to do for you. I did this with me, with at least 3 others I know about. Then when the victim didnt do what he wanted, he started the D&D, I just stayed so long cause I needed the job for my studies. It doesnt mean anything, that he gave you money or a car, it just means he is a psycho narc, who gave you a car and money...and nothing more and nothing less. Please dont lose your faith, I know its hard, I am 31 too, and sometimes I think I'll never find someone to found a family with....but we still have time...and we need to find strength in us. Me too, I have to learn now to be on my own...we will do it hun!

Yes we all know there are ups and downs, but sometimes we would just like to have several ups in a row! You are only 31, that is still quite young. You will find someone else, but right now you are better off taking time for yourself. Work on getting over that fear of being alone. It really can be empowering when you get past that fear. Besides, it's good for you to be picky about who you have a relationship with. You deserve no less than the best! Your relationship with your N did not fail because of anything you did. This is a really hard part to get past. You keep doubting that he really is a N, and feel like you should have been nicer, meaner, older, younger, taller, shorter, whatever and it could have worked. The truth is, you were in a game where you didn't know the rules. And as you figured out the rules, they changed. The ante was always upped, keeping you thinking the problem was you. You did not fail. HE FAILED YOU!! You will get your life back, and you are not a loser. And you will realize that no material possessions can equal your mental health.