Babydoll. That's what you used to call me. Your best friend. Your love. Sweetheart. But baby doll--that was your favorite. And I thought it was so endearing. My God, how you hooked me, even with that cheesy, cheesy word.
We started in such an evil, horrible, disgusting place. I was on the verge of separating from my husband of 18 years, and your relentless pursuit of me pushed me right out the door and into the beginning of my divorce. You separated from your wife as our affair began, and I could somehow, in a very sick way, "justify" the beginning of our affair (we were both in unhappy marriages, we "needed" each other, blah blah blah) -- but I knew that my marriage was over. You had no intention of ending yours. And in fact, once your wife and kids moved back in with you after 5 months, you were determined to not let on to her that I was in the picture. You shoved me in the closet, so to speak, to keep her from knowing about me. By that time, I was so hooked. Addicted to evil, really. And even though I tried to end it 20, 30, 40 times, I always went back. :(
You told me you'd never cheated on your wife before. Well -- maybe a few smooches early on in your marriage. It wasn't until your wife finally discovered an email from you to me on your phone that you finally confessed to me that, yes--you had cheated. All. Through. Your. Marriage. How many, I asked?
I died in a little inside when you told me that. Gross, disgusting and so very sick. I called you Tiger Woods without the money. Sixteen other women throughout the course of a 10 year marriage. I am going to guess we could safely double that to be more accurate. And I was one of them. :( That is the biggest regret of my life and I don't believe I will ever forgive myself for allowing myself to go there.
I was burdened with guilt about our affair. I cried a river over what we had done--and you seemed slightly bothered by it, but passed it all off as 'well, she wasn't meeting my needs' or 'what's in the past is passed, why do you always have to bring it up??' You acknowledged that your "extra curricular activities" (as you called your cheating) was wrong, but in the same breath, you hold your ex wife partially responsible for your infidelity. "It takes two to tango," as you're so fond of saying.
Once you and I were both "free" to have a relationship with each other, I freaked out--because that meant that now I would become the primary woman in your life . . . and look at what you had just done to the last one.
In the beginning, you were like, "I'll wait for you to be ready for this, I'll wait for you to trust me, I'll be different, I love you, I'll wait, babydoll, I'll be patient . . . "
But when when it was obvious that I wasn't able to trust you wholeheartedly or love you the way you deemed you should be loved, then you started to get nasty. (Oh-- and did you ever think that if wasn't JUST your infidelity that cause me to distrust you?? Maybe the fact that you slept with me several times without warning me that you had herpes might have contributed to my lack of trust?? Ya think??)
Silent treatment. Degrading comments. Withdrawing, not responding, punishing me for not loving you the right way or for not trusting you . . . always, always trying to maintain control by shutting me out because you knew that being ignored is what pushed my buttons the most. And every single fucking time, I would grovel and come back and apologize because you would somehow lead me to believe that the silent treatment was my fault.
Remember that night when I came to greet you at the airport? After your flight in from DC? I stood there for 2 hours waiting for you to come through security and head to baggage claim. You were so pissed when you saw me . . . and first ignored me, acted like I was a crazy stalker, then spent the next 2 hours in my car, berating me, telling me I was abusive and venomous and mean, and I needed therapy and to deal with my issues. The whole evening was one big mind fuck and I felt like complete and total shit by the time it was all done.
And what did you tell me later? When I said it was humiliating and hurtful? "Sorry-- but you brought that all on yourself."
Just by being there. That's all it took. My physical presence at the airport was all it took for you to D&D me. In public, no less.
Two weeks later . . . . the I love you's and I miss you's sucked me back in and went back for more. More abuse, more manipulation, more sick and twisted fucked up "love."
You were fucking CHEAP. Willing to spend way more money to trick out your ridiculous car than to do anything with me.
Sex with you was exhausting! I couldn't make you orgasm for the life of me . . . and you would get limp and I'd be like, "What the fuck?? What does it take??" And finally I realized, it takes a freakin' porn star. Those are your lovers of choice. In fact, you told me once that if you could have sex with any woman in the world, it would be Jenna Jameson, because you wanted to see if you could satisfy a porn star. Fucking narcissist. Oh, and that sometimes you just preferred to "release" alone. Right. Because then the focus is all on your sorry little cock.
I lost myself in you. I'm still addicted to you. Even today, after 6 days of NC, I called and texted. Why? I have no fucking idea. Maybe it's because you haven't hoovered, and even though I don't want you, I still hate being ignored by you. You didn't respond and for that, I should be grateful because I'm not yet again sucked in with your lies and manipulation.
Back to square one tomorrow with NC and a renewed determination to get ME back. To fix what's broken in me and to heal, finally, after almost five fucking long years.
I will not give you another tear, another text, another anything . . . today is the day I claim independence from you, and I move Forward.
You suck. You are such an asshole, and what totally gets under my skin is all the people in the advertising world who think you are the absolute bomb. I gotta let that go. These people will never see the real you because you are a freakin' amazing actor. So there you go. You got that going for you.
Fuck you, JD. Fuck you for ever pursuing me, for ever saying you love me, for all the hurt and pain and lies and deceit and silent treatment over the years -- and most of all, fuck you for making me feel like all your bullshit was MY fault.
I'm done. It is time to find me--or better yet, rediscover me and learn from these five horrific years, knowing that I can be a better person from here forward.
But you--you will stay a sorry piece of shit narcissist and wallow in your own self-pity, lies, insecurities and mess. And there's no way out for you. Sucks to be you.