I'm back.......

I’m back…..I’m sure some of you remember my story about my relationship with exN, 7 years together, a son, a business, family, etc…..who left and married a complete stranger 5 weeks after we split and got her pregnant. He and I are civil now because of our son, we even chat from time to time, and I have no feelings toward him besides the bond we have for our son. ExN has been getting hit with Karma big time, however this no longer affects me, I am indifferent to him….Indifferent because I thought I found a wonderful distraction.
I am back, and I don’t know how to feel about what is going on with my life now. I met a guy in March, at work, we would stare at each other for months before this, neither one of us making any contact. One day back in March we started talking on a break outside, and the connection began. We have not been able to stay away from each other since then. It has been almost 5 months, and I am back on the emotional rollercoaster, totally my fault. After we had our first conversation, he immediately asked for a date, which happened that night. We were up and out til 8 in the morning, talking only. The connection was amazing. We had so much in common and lived parallel lives. He is handsome, smart, amazing….but of course a typical bad boy covered from fingers to legs with tattoo’s, and he is a tattoo artist on the side. I came to find out on our 1st date that he lived with an ex because of financial reasons, that they broke up months before and she knew that it was over. We would see each other daily, have weekends together, lunches, dinners, bar hopping on weekends. It all seemed so normal, and I was very happy. I thought she was clear about their relationship. Clearly I was wrong, because as time went on, I found out she is still trying to get back together.
So here is my issue….he has a really really really f’d up past, mother a heroin addict, lived from house to house, did not go to high school, etc. I don’t know what happened, but I felt so close to him, and wanted to show him what a real family and love was all about. He has always been amazing to me, in fact, every day he tries to show and prove how much I mean to him. He has told me things that nobody knows, and I am talking deep dark bad things about himself. However he has rage…rage at work and strangers and friends, never me…but I am waiting for the shoe to drop. I did trust him in the beginning, and now I just don’t and can’t trust him. I know he is wrong for me, but I just can’t walk away from him. He knows everything about me and my past and my ex and just everything. He trusts me 100%, but I can’t do the same in return.
He is financially a mess, going through a bankruptcy, owes lots of child support, has a terrible credit score so he can’t get a car or a different apartment to get away from his ex (this ex he lives with is not his son’s mother, his son’s mother has been out of the picture for 4 years, and they only handle visitation) Not once has he asked me for anything financially, he only asks for advice, which he always takes. He has jumped through hoops to prove to me that he is changing and I have made him alive and open up again. He was depressed for the last 2 years until I came along. Since we met, he actually has gotten off the couch and gone out, socialized with my friends and our co-workers, he is doing better today because of me (this is what he says).
I love him to pieces, but I just don’t understand why I cannot trust him. I have had such an issue with men, stems from my fear of abandonment from my father, and had continued to get worse. I know this guy isn’t in the best place, and I am here for him, just as he is here for me, but I just can’t shake this feeling and this pit in my stomach.
We waited to have sex as well. We both wanted this relationship to start different, and not in bed. We wanted to get to know each other first before things became physical, because we have been told to get to truly know someone before you jump into bed. He tells me daily that I am his best friend, that he would be devastated if he lost me, he is in love with me, and wants to get married.
I have been so jaded in the past by men, and he knows this. He tells me all the time he will do what he can to protect my heart, so why do I think all men are narc’s?? Because my father was, my ex was, and so many men before him…..