Since going NC just before Christmas, I'm going pretty darn good. My senses have gotten the better of me. I still have a few regrets and wonder "what if..." but I'm not going back.
I've read nearly all the posts on this forum in the past few weeks. I think I've also figured out what it is that makes us pine away for the very person that was so terrible for us to begin with. The thing is, it's easy to rationalize that this almost nearly perfect person, has 100 wonderful traits and only 1 bad one. That 1 bad one, of course, is that he or she is a narcissist. So we think that if we could only trim that single bad trait; get rid of the narcissist behavior, we'd be left with the 100 other good traits!
But that's the problem - those 100 other good traits we thought the N had, didn't really exist. It was an illusion. An act. Smoke and mirrors. All that really existed was the single bad trait - the narcissism.
The N provided the relationship that every human hopes for. It's almost perfect except for that little, single thing - the narcissism. How can you toss away such near perfection in the face of such a little, single thing. But again, that little single thing was really all there was to begin with. The "good stuff" was never more than a nighttime dream. It wasn't really there. It never existed.