is ignoring them the only way to get them back

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#1 Oct 5 - 11PM

Anonymous (not verified)

is ignoring them the only way to get them back

as some know I have to still deal with mine due to this project that keeps getting delayed... anyway, I was doing fairly well just going along with things... the N was being nice... so all was well. then slam goes the axe and now things got really bad.

N went behind my back (no surprise) but his version of it ...was he was doing so at my wish to not involve me ( i think he seriously believes this he is that messed up)

he claims I rant (AKA i call him on his behaviour) I told him a friend wouldnt do such a thing and I was baffled.

which followed with three long emails from him... all about how he fears me now and cant trust me etc. I have to admit I did threaten him last week...with reporting his bad behaviour.

basically yesterday I told him we could only discuss the business stuff and keep it to that etc. Well i guess N didnt like this

so tonite I get blasted about that too and now he is telling me not to contact him.

meanwhile the project is now on hold because he changed the rules...again.

and No there is no one I can replace him with he is so involved...it just sux.

I can just see him sitting back though laughing at me...his fall back girl I am sure thinks i am nutzo.

I dont quite get her either...how she is treated so beyond well...and thinks this is all me. that I am the problem.

so now I have to obey the N and not contact him and when I do I better have a plan to proceed (wth!)

I'm just mad at myself for falling for the nice him... although I did pickup on a vibe that he was being overly nice to me. he even bought me a some food. (and now I dont know whether to send the money back to him... because he will hold that over me)

I dont know how to proceed other than to move to an island and work remotely.... as it is we arent face to face in an office...

from therapy sessions in the past I recognize my ego is taking a beating... and that is why I react... I need to remember what I learned back then... and just walk away... until I regroup. I was so good at it for a very very long time. Im just vulerable right now due to health issues (wonder why I feel so ill) stupid N. and he blames me for making him ill.

I know I am strong, I am better than this N... I just have to regain my control again and I will. he will come a creeping that I do knnow... he has it out for me.
he is scared of me now so much so he has his emails fwd to another acct so backup girl cant read them.

my name is destiny and I think I'm addicted to this drama and want it to end. but my ego keeps wanting to go back at him even now I want to just send him an email. he makes it that it is all me, I guess what I want is someone to tell me it isnt :/

#2 Oct 6 - 11AM

Used

destiny

No one is INDESPENSIBLE....they just tell us the are,and we buy into it....i am having trouble with my drains....yes.lol, this morning i thought i wish my exh was here....WTF...if he was here, he would have gone out and saud,you sort it used,you are good at that sort of thing!!!!! or if he was here, he would have kept them from the work...cos he talks for england and talks to anyone...i didnt ever need my exs, i just thought i did,b/c they convinced me i did....THEY NEEDED ME...They clung on to me LIKE LIMPETS, until the going got tough...so they got going...

#3 Oct 6 - 10AM

Goldie

Destiny

You are giving this man all of your power. He has power over your health, power over your business dealings, power over your actions and reactions. This needs to STOP or you are not going to be in any condition to make appropriate decisions regarding YOUR life and what is best for YOU. I have no idea what this "project" is, but the notion that he is the ONLY one who can do it with you is just not true. This is a lie that you are telling yourself so that you can keep this addiction alive and have a big excuse to continue to engage with this man who is clearly beginning to take you down. EVERYONE is replaceable in business. There are always many others waiting in the wings to help with a project, especially in this ecomomy. You put the job out there to others and I am sure that you will have other's interested in helping you who are not PD's whom will play mind games with you throughout the project. Plus how viable is this project anyway to you and your future, if it keeps getting put on hold? You do not have to pay someone back for giving you food, this is another excuse for you to continue to engage in this unhealthy insanity. WHY do you need to apologize or feel guilty for ranting at someone who is causing you undue stress and clearly manipulating you? You need to ask yourself the tough question right now. Is your health, peace of mind, and sanity worth continuing on ANY LEVEL with this man who is clearly not good or healthy for you? You owe him nothing and you owe yourself everything. This is about self nurture, self acceptance, and self acualization. You are putting ALL of the focus on him and what he thinks and what he might do. What about what YOU think and what would be the best decisions for you? You are important, you are worthy, your needs are important. You deserve much much much better than this and need to get the focus back on you and your life. If you are unable to break this addiction on your own then the time has come to call in a good therapist. What is it going to take to begin to love Destiny again and put her first? The following was posted on the board today and it seems appropriate for what you are describing here: "Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs Destiny, Let GO, this addiction and obsession is not your Destiny, your life can be so much better than this without this unhealthy element in your life. Begin the recovery process today by letting go of him for real and allowing the beauty of life back into your life without this toxic sick disordered man in your life on any level. You are in my heart and prayers today to put Destiny first and do what is best for her and let this man spew his toxic energy elsewhere. God bless, Goldie

#4 Oct 6 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

destiny (not verified)

thanks Goldie- you are 100%

thanks Goldie- you are 100% right...exactly what do I need and want? I expressed that to this Narc and he changed up the plan. I didnt rant at him that is the thing.... he sees everything as a rant... anytime I speak up. Others dont really care for him either... but yet I find myself saying does he treat everyone this way? I do have to make some hard decisions.... I just may have to find someonelse for this project.... he is saving me money (of course a carrot to make me want to keep him on the project by offering a steep discount) Im thinking I need to check back in with my therapist....who probably wont believe I have yet again found another one of these N's In a way I feel like a failure and my therapist is going to think less of me. so I dont make the appointment and then something like this happens...and I wish I was in therapy. not sure why I worry what my therapist thinks of me... he was able to get me thru a very difficult time with my Nxbf I am very vulenrable right now due to many things in my life....and this Narc was always there.... that is what I find hard to believe.... im either going to have someonelse deal with him or just have no choice but to find someonelse..... looking back he has manipulated this to the end.and then some... caused delays..manifested fights so he didnt have to produce something. lays on his couch day in and day out. but why is backup girl treated so well? and she stays with him and thinks it is me - like I am the crazy one. how can she not see it is him. anyone that reads the emails can see it. for over 10 years she has stuck with him. why am I different. It is a nice day today and Im going to get out for awhile...I also need to get a grip on my health and choose me or there is going to be no me left. for now baby steps my goal is 2 week no contact. I can do this. No matter how many times he tries to contact me. thanks again Goldie.

#5 Oct 6 - 3AM

jackguy

by ignoring the narc

By ignoring the narc you send him/her a message that you are not buying into anything he says or does anymore and you block one of the routes for them to attempt manipulation. You also send yourself a clear message, that you are entitled to reasonable not deranged behaviour. On another level in my case it has helped to realise that if I listen to the narc I am still kidding myself that he/she isn't ill. Blanking her (in my case) has improved my self-esteem + sanity. I am demonstrating my own dignity and sanity.

#6 Oct 6 - 3AM

freaked

Hey Destiny

i hope you will be able to avoid that narc. they are truly powerful emotional vampires.

#7 Oct 6 - 12AM

lillymarch

Destiny, I think you are

Destiny, I think you are right. You are addicted to the drama. And so am I. Half of what goes on with my exNh is in my head! It's the torture I put myself through, the obsessive thinking, all of the questioning, and my own sadness. I have no advice but what I keep telling myself: run, get away, maintain as little contact as I have to and DREAM. Everyday, I'm dreaming my future! I love it! My future and my wishes, my moments everyday, do not include the Narc- consciously. I'm working very hard at this. I hope you can move forward and away from the crazy guy. Love to you

#8 Oct 6 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

lillymarch

PS

You don't want him back! Remember?

#9 Oct 6 - 12AM (Reply to #3)

destiny (not verified)

oh i didnt mean it that way

oh i didnt mean it that way to get him back I meant to kind of make him pay for the way he treated me. i still am hung up on him saying i ranted at him.... he even told someone this... and I did not rant. that really hurts... im crying tonite...and keep saying im not a bad person :/ I need to get a serious grip, I know im not bad Narc is also pissed because he felt me pulling away from him.... fearless is my new motto.... this is just so tough. and painful. knowing he is sitting there laughing. i found this quote just now - i really like taylor swift “And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop belieiving them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry" and walk away.” ― Taylor Swift

#10 Oct 6 - 2AM (Reply to #4)

destiny (not verified)

i think I am all cried out...

i think I am all cried out... i just had a brief moment of anger.. wanting to just kick his azz....but now I am feeling this calm come over me... the anxiety is lifting. I dont have to wonder if and when he will jerk me around...send a late nite text or a drunk email. ironic that I asked him for this break just yesterday... because I could not deal with him....and now he is giving me this... I see this now as a blessing...and Im going to try my best not to cry and let him take up my head space...and live...free...not jump when the phone rings or a text comes in as I know it wont be him. not have to wonder if he is playing me against the new OW, or someonelse we both have contact with or the backup girl (who is so clueless) that is why I asked for the break to begin with because I know how peaceful it is and how in control I am. now I am taking MY break.... the project is on hold... joke is on him if he thinks I am going to contact him next week. my guess is he will try and quit again.... after I dont try to reach out like I usually do. maybe I will be able to regain some of my health and weight back...and be able to sleep. I have to resolve myself to never react to him again.. he is just a loser! a mini N vacation...

#11 Oct 6 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

lillymarch

You're doing great! Just read

You're doing great! Just read what you wrote. You're working it out as your going through it. You are a strong woman! My therapist calls it my adult voice. When I get into the hurt and pain, the questioning and the self doubt, that's my child voice or my critical parent voice. Once I'm being my healthy adult I can see that I'm done with this drama and I will be ok. And that my future is clear and exciting. (and no I'm not a split personality!) it's just my little girl inside ms says things like: he promised to never leave me! Then the adult voice says: he didn't leave you! You are leaving him cause he's a twit!! You are finding the peace that you so much deserve. Thanks for letting me get in on your post and learn some things about me!

#12 Oct 6 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

Goldie

I love it

Great response Lillymarch. You are leaving him because he is a twit, lol. God bless, Goldie

#13 Oct 7 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

destiny (not verified)

a twit is exactly what these

a twit is exactly what these Narcs are... so after him telling ME to leave HIM alone he sends me out the email forward today... not a joke forward.. but something that is sent out every week... yet today he decides to forward it. he has sent the same fwd to me in the past...but usually just to me...today he puts it on BCC.... I wanted to reply to please leave me alone and dont fwd me anything... but I will just continue to ignore him like he doesnt exist. the reason for the fwd was the quote at the end of it.. he is so transparent. all I want is emails regarding the project...oh that is right he put that back in my court. seriously- Narcs are so dumb... a person who wants to be left alone doesnt send out a fwd email. I dont know why but this pissed me off!

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