Identify Don't Compare & Defining Easy

On a side note, let me begin by saying it's my turn. Not smoking and pms let me rant in my head to him this morning. And even though I'd said all those things in person before, let me tell ya....this morning I REALLY told him! In my head. HA

I've noted something on the boards and in a conversation with one person yesterday that I've found true in myself.

I can take this back to an AA example as easily as I can use one here.

Here's how it works.

In my 20s, I walk into an AA meeting. I stick around a while. I can see the description of drinking careers and absolutely note that mine is the same.

But, you know, there are differences. There are SO many ways I am NOT like THEM. Things like....I still have a house, I still have a car, I still have a job.

I mean, really.
I'm not THAT bad.
Clearly, it must be something else.
Or maybe I'm just fine.

So what do I do?
I go back out and drink. For about 15 more years. At which point that whole thing about how I drank and what it felt like and what was fueling it underneath ALL sounds strangely familiar.

It turns out that I am EXACTLY like "those people"

This is my disease.
I am the alcoholic in my life.

Here's how this works here.

I can look around and say that one has been married 20 years, and that one was abused so much worse, and that one was an OW and that one was a girlfriend and that one was a wife. That one has money and that one clearly doesn't. That one has a career and that one is a mom.

He didn't do EXACTLY that thing or say exactly that thing or hit me exactly that many times. He wasn't THAT grandiose. He didn't use me THAT much. There were flickers when he SEEMED to care.

The details of my story are a LITTLE different.

So maybe he's not a Narc.
Maybe it's not that bad.

What happens if I think that way?

I go back.

Or maybe this....sometimes circumstances DO make it 'easier'

Mine went to jail.
And I thought, "Hallelujah! Praise God from whom all blessings flow it's OVER!"

Oh no it wasn't.

Letters came. Mommy Dearest tried to call.

And the letters? One day it was I was the love of his life. The next, the OW was SO much better than me and did SO much more for him. (Well duh. He only goes where he can GET the most)

And my head?
Spinning.
Spinning like a mad hatter perched on a spinning top.

It's him. It's me. What the hell. It's her. What does she have that I don't have.

It took me MONTHS to sort that out and to find this site.

Yes. There but for the grace of God....
I don't have children with this man.
It's easier not to do a drive by or call when I hit the hard moments. I am GRATEFUL for that.

But he will be back.
He WILL get out.

I'm doing the work like a mad thing in the meantime.

The lesson?

Identify.
Don't compare.

It's the underlying stuff.
It's the ways in which ALL our stories are the SAME.

That's what lets you know....you're in the right place.
This IS what you're facing and dealing with.

And this IS the way to heal and move on.

Love to all,
Grace