Idealization Phase List

The ex-Psych prof bookended our relation#hit with idealization. He was idealizing me in the beginning, comparing me to Sofia Tolstoy, various fictional female characters in "War and Peace"-and when he asked me during the final D&D why I liked him, I responded with a laundry list of positive qualities-then he responded by saying I was projecting my positive qualities onto him. He was the one who had idealized me in the first place... and in the end, he accused me of idealizing him. Surreal.

I never felt important in his eyes and he never made me a priority

because everyone else knows this list all too well. you've all heard it too?? i believed it. i thought it was exclusive to me. i thought we had something that no one else had. but they all do it, don't they? ouch :(

Did we date the same narc?? Oh Froglegs, that list is a shining example to all of us that they are all the same. Mine told me he loved me early in the idealization phase. * told me I was beautiful and successful * I held the key to his heart * He wanted to spend long days and nights in bed, just holding me and loving me * wanted to take me out with him on his arm in public to show me off.... My most favorite one that sticks out was when there was the potential of our relationship ending...and he told me he was uncomfortable at the thought of losing me, couldn't go on without me in his life. So many things he said and did. So many and never did I realized the red flags. Of course, he had all the great words of seduction. But when it came time to end it? Nothing. Not one word. Never heard from him. Ever. Coward!

This one shocks me: * Performed oral on the first sexual encounter, but refused to have intercourse and would not let me touch him (a very powerful baiting technique, ladies, so watch out for that one!). Your Narc is really OTT on seduction and controlling!! OMG!

*Trying to drive a wedge between you and friends/family in a very sneaky way

Yup every one, he was my knight in shining armor, kind, generous, always there for me and my kids, spent almost every day together, took me away, took my kids away, my Mom, did everything for us. Flew First Class everywhere and the flight attendants would call me Mrs XXX and he loved it. They would tell me how lucky I am to have such a great guy!! Told me he would take care of me forever..sick fuckers they are to mess with our minds like that!

You got just about all of it down....I'd add "mirroring." If I said I'd had a particular problem or interest or situation unique to my life, he amazingly had had ALL of the same experiences. I mean, like, only HE can understand me, right?

Im trying to add to your list, but I am having trouble cuz you basically summed it up for me, ok so let me think.. - Told me that : - I was the perfect Mother, and would only have kids with me. (thank god, I DIDNT!) -I completed him. -wouldnt have another relationship after me, cuz I was the "ONE" -he wanted to take an art class, to learn to draw me, so he could stare at my beauty all the time. (GAG!) -was traditional like his parents, and wanted to be "THE MAN" in the relationship, and to let him pay all the bills. (Sadly, I fell for this one but took me months, of his sulking and anger to make me agree, he said i wasnt allowing him to be a MAN!) -Touch me constantly, sexually in public -would do simply acts of kindness (YUCK!) , like make me coffee and bring it to me , and tell me he knew EXACTLY HOW to make my coffee, and no one else would know. -said he loved me on Date 2! -kept the flattering words (HONEYMOON PHASE) alive throughout to the last D&D, cuz he knew I loved romance. -Sent me a movie on valentines day, "THE NOTEBOOK" and said that was OUR story. -Was generous in bedroom, like an insatiable sick pervert (YUCK!) -Insisted on sex in the first week, to "BOND" and "Connect" -Called me his "Better Half" -Said I am his EVERYTHING. ( I told him that was unhealthy once, he raged) I will write more as I think of them, some are repeats of what you said cuz they are all ALIKE! Thanks for this post, this is a VERY good post- especially for us newbies like myself.