I want you to STAY

Below you will find the link to Rihanna's new song "Stay" this is a beautiful song which has triggered so many emotions recently and has caused me to take another long hard look at myself, at my situation with N and my current life.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nef_x-vmD6

"All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer"

This was me, a hot-headed believer...after everything I have read, all the research, hours, hours, months and months, years of reading...I was a believer, hot headed believer. First I believed (I knew) I was beautiful, attractive, smart, sexy, intelligent woman. Financially stable, physically attractive, confident, secure, the life of any party...."who would not want to be with me ?". Second "i believed that I was different to him". The qualities I had were so different from the women of his past "surely he saw it". Lastly, I have never allowed any man access to me except the man I married 20 years ago.( I was a challenge) The charm was thick, the manipulation heavy, the brainwashing subtle. "he wanted a chance with a women like me".....I believed it.

"I threw my hands in the air I said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer"

I allowed him in....there was a frightening sensation, a dangerous, mysterious element I couldn't wrap my head around. It was intoxicating, exciting, exhilarating, challenging....I wanted more....but the warning signs, despite having awareness that something was so very wrong....I went in a little closer.

"Round and around and around and around we go"

Nothing, Nothing could stop the cycle, I was so brainwashed, I was so intoxicated, so addicted....I wanted more of him, I wanted "HIM"....sadly to say at all cost. Every time I went back, the stakes were increasing, I had more and more to loose but more importantly I was loosing my mental state, my health.......so round and around and around we went.

"Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know"

Yes, I recently went back....He texted saying he "HAD" to talk to me..... he is a "changed man"- "he is in Therapy"- "he learned his lesson"- "he understands how important honesty, truth and trust are in a relationship"- " he respects me"- "he loves me" - "he misses me"- "i am the only one who can help him"- "he needs me"- "he has never stopped thinking about me" - " I consume him" - "he will never stop loving me, despite the circumstances" - "I understand him"-"I know him better than anyone" - "I will always be in his heart, no matter what" - he is a changed man !!! - "CAN"T WE JUST BE FRIENDS ?" - HIS WEAPON IS HIS STEALTH MOUTH.....HIS WORDS......

Ummmm, I know him well, I get his disorder, I am stronger and smarter....Of Course we could just be friends !! Right ? He needs me, only I can help him, besides I like him and he is fun to be around...my intuition is screaming at me ! The writing on the wall is CLEAR !

"Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way"

Not sure how I feel about this....but maybe we could be friends.....WOW !!!! NOTHING HAS CHANGED...EVERYTHING IS THE SAME....SAME NARC, DIFFERENT DAY, ANOTHER CHANCE FOR HIM TO TAKE ME INTO OBLIVION, ONLY NOW IT WOULD BE A TOTAL DISASTER ! My marriage would not survive this, my kids would be lost, my beautiful life...UPSIDE DOWN......... So why do I want him to....... "STAY" ?

"It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given"

There is nothing in his life that parallels mine, I hate his life, we are world's apart but yet again I yearn for his presence in my life. A month in....the anxiety.... BUILDING up, the FEAR ....setting in, my body FIGHTING for survival.....my heart POUNDING "danger". If.... my guard ever went down and I fell into bed with him one day..... It would be the cocktail, the final "hit" to take me to hell. I would loose everything... EVERYTHING !!!
Why the risk ??

"I want you to stay, stay"

WHY DO I WANT HIM STILL ??

"Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone"

I have learned from this wonderful forum that there is still a "HOLE" somewhere within me that still needs work. There is something within me that equates "PAIN" with "LOVE". There is a reason why I cannot accept the unconditional love of the man that truly has exhibited "true love" for me. His understanding of this sitiuation and unconditional support is proof of that.....Why that love is not enough and I still seek the adventure, excitement, torture, highs and lows of this toxic sociopath ? Is that I like the challenge ? Is it that I like adventure ? I need to find the answers.

"Funny you're the broken one but i'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the lights it's hard to know which one of us is caving"

I am the one who needs saving....I AM !! HE is the broken one....There is "NO SAVING" him...it is impossible...I know that today more then ever....He still lied, he still tried to manupilate, and his string of women...STILL THERE !!!. I WAS TOO GONNA BE PART OF HIS HAREM...PROVIDING A DIFFERENT HIGH FOR HIM.....

I have never done the steps as recommended so today I will begin my journey to save ME !! I know Lisa and the mods knew exactly what they were saying and to this day it has all been "TRUE". Why I thought I could do this myself without the steps, is beyond me. I was NC for 13 months, I took the friendship bait....TRUST ME PLEASE....IT DOESN'T WORK !! Even if you think you know too much to be subjected to the lies and manipulation, you will cave, this is what they are good at. If you think your STRONG....THEY ARE STRONGER !! IF you think you can outsmart them...YOU CAN'T. If you think you can give them a taste of their own medicine..YOU CAN'T....If you thing you are one step ahead of them...YOUR NOT !!! If you think you will "WIN"....You will "LOOSE"

So the steps, 1-6 must work and had I done them, maybe I would not still be here !!! But I am here and will approach Step 1. I have not yet shared my story,in fear that someone will find out my identity but I MUST take a different approach.... Subtly, he is sinking me in, first it was simple "hello's" which lead to days and days of texting. Then we started on the phone conversation. It was days of "apologies" of how wrong he was for hurting me (very authentic in his deliver). He piled more apologies and how he needs to look at himself and his abandonment issues etc. How he is in therapy now and is doing the work. Then it was lunch, then a day at the park, then he wanted to have dinner, then he offered a place to stay if I couldn't drive home...huh ? we were just friends....there was no sexual engagement (he made sure I knew he was respecting me )PUKE !!! GET THE PICTURE ?

I realized, I was digging my own grave...he knew the more time he spent with me via phone, text and seeing him....ONE DAY, I would certainly be caught engaging and would loose the life I spent 2 years rebuilding with my husband, I would hurt the man the man who stood by me through all of this beyond repair this time. He is what "love" is all about. My kids would NEVER forgive me and NO one would believe it was a "friendship" this time around. IT IS TIME TO GET REAL.

Thank you for listening, I have started to "GET IT OUT"- please do not judge me ! I am still working on my childhood issues, I know that landed me here. The Path Forward....thank you for educating me so that my eyes are wide open and I see that I cannot continue this and I need to GET OUT NOW !! For the wonderful people who have shared your stories, thank you for your courage....I have learned much and MODS...I am forever grateful....your "tough love" has really guided me and I know I have not recovered although, I thought I had.

hugs to all