I want the fairytale

There is no such thing as perfection. There is no fairytale. Santa's a fake, and there is no Tooth Fairy. :o) Even "the perfect marriage" has it's up and downs. That's just part of being human, and dealing with other people. No two people are exactly the same, so of course there is bound to be discord of some type, somewhere. Not to get all preachy. I love my alone time, because I don't have to deal with any outside craziness from anyone else. If you can't sit alone with yourself, who can you be with? You're all you have. You have to learn how to be totally okay completely on your own, before you can really be happy with anyone else. You don't need to be with anyone else to make yourself whole. You are already complete as you are. When you care about yourself, and love yourself, first, you raise your standards of what you will accept from others. When that happens, you end up filtering a lot more bad apples out of your way, and can focus on finding someone who complements you. We complete ourselves. Be wary of anyone who tells you differently, as they are likely trying to get you to buy into the fairytale lie.

I like your thinking, I'm learning all about presence right now its really helping me. I didn't know I wanted a fairytale until I got one. Now I realise the beauty of mundane reality. I have never wanted marriage and kids but the narc surfaced deep emotional needs I can now resolve, so I guess I'm grateful for my strength now.

As a different spin, but with the same outcome..I never longed for marriage, fairy tales, etc. I had two 'relationships in my life' the first one dysfunctional and not an N. The second one mirrors many tales told here. When I was a teenager I lusted after this guy. My persistance 'paid off' and I was with him for fifteen years and had one child with him. It was a relationship in the sense I never doubted or questioned his love, appreciation or value of me. In retrospect, if we got counseling, the relationship could have been saved. But I don't dwell on it. It is what it is. I met my N soon after. The same old same old....'soul mates', 'best person ever'. etc, etc, blah, blah. After a year of us being together every single day I helped him buy a house (and I had reservations even then). Now, 4 years later I still live with him. I have gone from being his 'best friend' to some whose attitude 'he hates', who 'doesn't help him grow'...blah blah blah... No, I never wanted a fairy tale marriage, realtionship, etc. I never wanted to be domesticated. But their personalities pull out the BEST in us, initially...then whenever they decide to D & D oyu...it bring out our worst, in the most extreme way. I never wanted a prince, just a intuitive person that wanted to be on the same page as me, for both our benefit...not just his...

I also wanted the "fairytale." And it took me a lot of reading and learning before I realized there IS no fairytale. The "fairytale" is something we have created in our own minds based on fictional things we have seen on TV, read in books, etc. How many REAL couples have you come across that are actually living this fairytale? You may have come across a handful that APPEAR so, but I guarantee you that any healthy, successful relationship requires continual work on both sides. Compromise, understanding, compassion, respect, etc., is all happening in the background. The idea of there being someone out there for each of us that we just "click" with, where it all just falls into place without any effort, is truly just a MYTH. The N experience certainly confirms this. Gotta let the fairytale go. Having said all this, I certainly believe there are quality guys (ands gals) out there. But we have to do the work on ourselves first, including (like Sparrow said) learning to be happy by yourself and, most importantly, freeing ourselves from the "fairytale." Only once we have done the work on ourselves and are in a healthy place, will we attract better things in our lives. It doesn't happen overnight, and there is no shortcut (as much as we all wish there was). Patience and perseverance is the only way. Sending you a big hug, I Am Free... =)

Yes, I get it. I too wanted the fairy tale. Thought I had found it. I have decided that I'm redefining the fairy tale for me. I'm going to give myself all of the things I need including unconditional love, understanding & buying myself gifts. I am surrounding myself with my awesome Friends who love me unconditionally too.

My ego lies to me, and I have spent too many years listening to it. I need this, I need that. I now know I have everything I need right now. In this moment all is well. The ego uses time to keep us distracted from the truth, the past and the future are used by the ego to keep us off balance and living in our emotions. We can find the miracle of the present, the right now, where all is well. It is in my mind where all the disturbance exists. My reactions and opinions keep me unfocused and scared. What if this and what if that, blah blah blah. I find a quiet place to read my books, and to get centered in the moment, and then I experience peace and tranquility. And the ironic thing is the more I do this the more I attract peaceful and tranquil people around me. What a concept. Recovery is fun sometimes. If I condition my happiness on an outside circumstance, then I am really saying that right now I am unsatisfied and unhappy. I am saying that something in the future will make me happy. And that is a lie. Because no one else can "make" me happy. I always had the ability to be fine right now, but I just didn't know how to do it. Now I do, and it is wonderful. It takes no drugs or no woman, but only presence in the now. I breathe in and out, and listen and observe, and a quiet safe peaceful feeling overcomes me and fills my consciousness with awe and feelings of love and the perfectness of everything. We are all connected through spirit, and the spirit exresses itself in the present moment. I was always attracted to the statement "Be still and know that I am God", and today I know why. Because in the stillness of this moment, and this moment only, I am perfect. And tomorrow when I do my meditation again it will all be with me again, as it always is, under the surface, below the waves and wind and rain. My ego has kept me dancing and distracted from what has always been, perfect peace when our souls are encountered. ds

I thought I wanted a fairy tale. Many of those have gothic/horror moments however - the witch trying to eat Hansel/Gretel and being burned alive for instance! I may have had someone in my life but every cell in my body was buzzing with fear 24 hours/day for almost 10 years. I am really enjoying being alone/single now very much - it brings great peace and comes without stress/fear. I've decided to take a year away from intimate relationships and become my own firm foundation first.

That's a very good question. An important one that you need to find the answers to. With the help of a therapist, you will learn those answers and start addressing them. I had the same exact question and found the answers. I am forging forward every day to make the necassary adjustments needed in order to never have this happen to me again. It sucks to have to go through this, but the things you learn in the process are s very helpful and life changing! I never use the word "alone" any more. I say "by myself". Alone is depressing, many good things can be done by myself. :) Just a little positive spin on words makes a big difference!