I took an arrow to the chest!

She finally, after 10 months, emailed me. I always knew that she would. Thanks to you guys, and you know who you are, I kept NC, and feel great about that. Out of the blue, I got an email saying how she has been talking to people who know me, and how unbecoming it is of me to only be giving them one side of the story and for me to villainize her, and how she doesn't like always being the bad guy. She said that she never loved me and how happy and peaceful she was now. She saw that I had called her out on NPD, and it must have really hit a nerve! She reached out of the darkness just to send me an email that would hurt me as much as possible. I communicated with one of the moderators, here, who kept me cool, and helped me read between the lines, which I'm terrible at doing.

I was floored at first. Who the hell had she been talking to? I KNOW, for sure, that none of our mutual friends can stand her or would give her the time of day, but I was still baffled, until I realized what she had done! She is SO busted!! She quoted a term "Cluster B Personality Disorder" (she knows that I think she is a Narc!!) . I realized that, I had only used that term one time, ever. That was in an email to my old therapist, from back home, the day before. It became obvious that she had my email password, and had been reading my emails!! Just like we cracked the Japanese code before the Battle of Midway, I cracked her's. I was so on to her. The thing is, this is the same email, although much shorter estrangement and there was no OM, that she sent me a few years ago that ended with many emails back and fourth between us and resulted in us getting back together. I ALWAYS respond, and try to fix things. She KNOWS that about me. I fix it, even if it means making a door mat of myself. I loved her and was in it for the long term, thick and thin.

I had 3 choices. 1) Respond point by point, showing how everything she was saying was a lie. I'm SURE that's what she was expecting. 2) I could send an email, knowing that she would read it, outlining what I really thought of her, how skanky she is, what a bad mother she has been, how lousy she is in bed, and what ever else I could think of. That would have been playing her game, and forced more communication, so I opted out. or 3) merely change my email password. I don't remember giving it to her, but I am not the guy who would have ever hidden anything from her, so I just might have. The beauty of this option, to me is that the next time she typed in the password, it would say "password not valid" in red. She would know that I was on to her, and knew that she had been hacking me. This is what I did. I have chuckled at how she must have reacted to seeing that i had done that! She wanted me to engage, and I didn't!! She got no satisfaction from any of this.

My male ego has been bruised at just how easily I was replaced, and I had visions of her blissfully happy with the FNG, and after 5 years, I wasn't given one thought. This wasn't the act of a happy person. Why, if you were SO happy and in love, would you hack your ex? No, there's trouble in paradise. I HAVE to remain NC!!! I now know that I could withstand her onslaught and stay strong!!! She get's to lie in the bed that she made for herself and like it! I am not here to save her from her bad choices anymore and fix things. She get's to stew in her juice and figure it out for herself!! I know that there will be more from her. She broke NC with me. She blinked, I didn't! I feel victorious in that. Small victory, yes, but I'll take it.

Whether she has been reading my emails from the beginning, I'll never know. Part of my resolve to remain NC, was to break my pattern, and let her know that I am GONE this time! If she has been reading them all along, she now knows that's not true, and I seriously mourned her loss. She knows that I still loved her, and tried to make sense of it with some people who were there for me. I guess I'm busted too.

Lisa changed my name from B.R.A.M.S.T to Highlander. I realized that if she was cyber-stalking, she could have Googled my nickname, which she knows very well, and see my posts here. That just won't do. So, I am now the Highlander.

I was shot in the chest with an arrow, but, you know what? She missed my heart! I was wounded severely but not killed, AND I live on to fight another day!! I am a wounded warrior, but ALWAYS a warrior nonetheless. I think that we are all wounded warriors here. Various wounds and various degrees, and we will all walk with a bit of a limp from this, but it will take more than a pathetic PD person to do us in!!

Fight on!!
B